At breaking point - can't win no matter what I say

[Freshair85]

Just need to rant more than anything.

If I ask for help around the house I'm told I'm always moaning at him, he says he will do things when he feels like it (months later). If I dare bring up how much I am doing and feel under appreciated I get told I don't appreciate he works all day and then cooks dinner (I'm on maternity leave and while he cooks dinner I'm putting the baby to bed).

If I then (now) reach breaking point and point out his flaws (laziness, never cleaning or helping around the house) I just get told "yeah cause you're always right" he's said this around 10 times today - I pointed out the fact that by saying this and nothing else it actually means he can never be wrong and just get a "yeah course" with a smirk.

Is there anything I can say to get through to him or should I cut my losses.

Background: not married, together 6 years, 1 DD. I'm currently on maternity leave and do all housework and most parenting (he'll occasionally do some washing up or take the bins out if I ask)

@Aquamarine1029 this is at the forefront of me thinking this is now the time to leave, I would never want my daughter to think it's normal to be treated this way or be in a relationship where you weren't equals.

If this is true, then you know what you need to do. There's nothing else to think about and you have the financial resources needed in order to leave quickly. Please do it.

Thanks everyone it really rings true what I need to do, I will have an honest conversation with him but I know he won't take anything on board and it will just be me moaning again!

I didn't realise it was so common for men to behave awfully once you have a child, how naive of me! And what pricks!

Sounds just like my ex husband who also would have a lie in both days of every weekend and every day of annual leave and if it got to around 10 and I asked him to get up to help with the kids /give me a break he'd just stay in bed a couple of extra hours. He won't change.

I agree with the PP about them only doing things they get something out of /enjoy. My ex actually said to me once "surely no one does anything unless it benefits them personally??"!!

My ex actually said to me once "surely no one does anything unless it benefits them personally??"!!

For FUCK'S SAKE. What an absolute idiot. So we don't feed our children then? Thank fuck you left him.

Skip the convo then and just tell him you're done and to pack his shite and sod off/that you're moving out. It's not like anything will be gained by talking with him other than him gaslighting you.

Full time work plus cooks dinner every night and does the occasional washing up and putting bins out? That would be enough for me although the attitude may well have me leaving.

Some men think maternity leave is paid holiday and as the hard working bread winner they are more than fulfilling their part of the contract. Once they've become convinced of that anything "domestic" is down to you.

You have a new baby!! His baby and he should be helping you out more and not making you feel miserable.

He's refusing to listen to you and calling you a nag so its Couples counselling or consider if you are at breaking point now if you want to be your DP's personal assistant and housekeeper for the next 20 years

[quote Freshair85]@bettertimesarecomingnow your last part made me smile, I found myself thinking the other day wouldn't it be nice when he made himself a drink to offer or make me one [/quote]
Did I read that right?

He won't even make you a drink when he's getting himself one? Jesus. What a c**t.

@MiddlesexGirl

Full time work plus cooks dinner every night and does the occasional washing up and putting bins out? That would be enough for me although the attitude may well have me leaving.

I appreciate this is enough for some, (albeit it's half the week he cooks dinner not every night as he does shift work), but I will be returning to work full time and I know he won't pick up any extra responsibilities!

OP,
There definitely is a man type out there that sees a pregnant woman more vulnerable, with less options to reject his lazy, selfish behaviour.

Unfortunately your child's father was already a lazy, selfish waster.

They very rarely step up.
This is who they are.

That he doesn't so much as bring you a drink is shocking.

Don't rush to action if you are dependent financially on him at the moment and it suits you.

Let him pay.

Keep your savings and make your plans with as much in your bank account as possible.

Take your time to find a home without being under immediate pressure.

Reach out to family and friends for support at this time.

Stop doing anything like laundry that benefits him solely.

Focus on minding yourself and your baby.

I was going to pretty much say what @billy1966 said!

How much longer do you have left on mat leave? Assuming you are not in danger I would take my time and make plans for when it suited me.

Would it be easier for you to get back to work first? Could you stay with family in the short term until you are back at work?

Arrange everything to suit you (childcare etc - this will no doubt be left to you to sort out anyway) and then just go when you're ready.

Have you looked into benefits/child maintenance entitlement? Is the child benefit paid to you? If not I would get that sorted.

Best of luck!

Not all men are the same.

Do you honestly think he will miraculously change? It is doubtful given what you have said. What does you relationship look like in 5-years?

@Aquamarine1029 I know! Now he is someone else's problem (should probably feel sorry for her, but since they started their relationship before ours ended, I'd say they deserve each other 😂)

How are things today OP?

This is one of the reasons why I left my ex. He used to say, just ask me if you want me to do something. It used to infuriate me as you shouldn't have to spell out what needs doing. I remember him saying "that's your job in the week" when I asked him to help with washing at the weekend, whilst I was busy doing other things. He was an old fashioned toss pot.

He expected me to lift heavy things etc when I was pregnant and used to accuse me of allsorts including turning the oven up and burnin his cake.

Lots of reasons I left him, but if it's things that you can't tolerate and he won't change, it's time to rethink your relationship definitely! He will only got worse and more defiant.

@Freshair85

Thanks everyone it really rings true what I need to do, I will have an honest conversation with him but I know he won't take anything on board and it will just be me moaning again!

I didn't realise it was so common for men to behave awfully once you have a child, how naive of me! And what pricks!

Stop having these conversations with him. He is not interested in honesty or maturity or behaving like an adult. He doesn't care!

Find a place to rent. Leave. This will never get better.

Work a long time on yourself and your self worth. Because any guy who's messy you dump. They don't improve and women are not rehab centres for crap men.

since I got pregnant weirdly.

I absolutely do not understand why but it seems to be very common certainly on MN that as soon as you are 'trapped' the behaviour deteriorated.

What osbert said.

Don’t waste more of your breath trying to get him to behave with any bare minimum decency, you’ve already done that. Stop doing anything for him and get yourself a home. Never accept such a low value male again.

(There’ll be tantrums, threats, fake tears, he’ll pretend he will want ‘full custody’, he’ll call you names, then fake some tears, blah blah, like clockwork these stupid pricks all do the same thing. Ignore it all, give him no response, get a house for yourself and get away from your shit boyfriend)

Get rid. He sounds like a lazy, disrespectful arsehole