My 13 year old hates me

[theworldsbiggestcrocodile]

I have two DD's 16 and 13. dd2 has for the last year become quite depressed. It started around the time the first lockdown did, which coincided with her turning 13. She took to her room and wouldn't come out no matter what dd1 and I did to try and persuade her.
I encouraged her to go and see a counsellor which about 3 months ago she agreed to. She revealed in counselling that she had attempted suicide in March last year.

In subsequent sessions she has spoken about the causes for this which have ranged from issues around her dad and I's divorce, her relationship with him and his new girlfriend and more latterly issues with me, but she won't specifically say what.
She has told some quite far fetched lies about me during counselling (and then gave the counsellor permission to share what she had said).
She stated I'd told her she was forbidden to have a relationship with her dads new girlfriend...that I never have any food in the house-that I stand pretending to cry outside her room so that I'm the victim in all of this-that dd1 and I deliberately leave her out of things. All of that is totally untrue. She has stated that she and I don't have a good relationship and that she would like it to be better. When asked she can't specifically say what she would like to change.

Any conversations with her about this end with her just saying 'we don't have a good relationship' but again when asked how this can be improved she has no suggestions.
Her behaviour is not great. She is rude and can often be very unkind to me. But will then at other times flip and we see a bit of the girl she was before this.
Last night she told me I was the only reason she was depressed. (Having said at counselling the previous week that actually our relationship was getting better and we were fine).
I don't know what I've done to her to make her feel this way.
My head is a total mess and I can't stop crying today.

The counsellor has said she thinks there are some residual feelings there about the divorce, but also that this is just her being 13 combined with lockdown effects and that both her Father and I should be stricter with her in terms of calling out her behaviour. But that's easier said than done as she doesn't really respond to any consequences.

I really don't know what to do anymore and I'm actually starting to dread going home at night.
Any advice or experience of this that anyone has would be gratefully received...
I'm starting to wonder if she should just go and live at her dads for a bit as if I'm making her miserable if rather her be happy elsewhere if there's a chance of that. I love her so much and I can't understand how we've got here really.

I think that most 13 years olds feel sad/confused/angry due to the hormones and spend a lot of time trying to figure out why.

I suspect the lies she told the counsellor are the things she feels rather than things you have said/done. The fact that she told the counsellor to tell you makes me think that they are topics that need to be discussed.

This is not on the same level, but my DD is struggling with lockdown and she (although younger) needs a safe space to be negative. To talk about how rubbish it is and how bad she feels.

She also has questions, some of them require grown up answers, but I've realised she needs more explanation then I had previously thought. It's taking time and effort but I think we are, in bits and pieces, working our way through the problems together by allowing her to be negative and to talk about the hard stuff.

The divorce will have involved events that only you know about, but your DD won't understand some of the things that relate to her, the new girlfriend and her status.

She may need to understand that you were hurt by the friend (she's old enough to understand that), and that you were very upset, and talk about how your feelings have changed over time.

She might need that in order to give herself permission to get along with the girlfriend.

Kids know that adults feel sadness and pain, and I think they need to know that those feelings change over time.

Learning to sit with sadness and pain is an important life skill, so is realising that there is a way out of sadness, even if the reason for the sadness (divorce) cannot be fixed.

Keep up with the counselling, maybe get some for yourself, and talk to her about the topics she raises with her counsellor.

You haven't made her unhappy, lots of kids aren't happy at that age, and sending her away us not the right thing to do.

That's exactly what I've said to her to the divorce-that I was hurt by the Friend, that it was hard for a while but that it's now fine and I've moved on. And if she wants to have a relationship with her then that's fine.

Not much more to be said about it at this stage really-or anything I can think of that will be useful at least.
I had a lot of counselling at the time and this has in some ways dredged up some of the feelings about it again (or at least put me in mind of when I felt really low) which I'm struggling with a bit and I need to get a lid on.

@theworldsbiggestcrocodile

That's exactly what I've said to her to the divorce-that I was hurt by the Friend, that it was hard for a while but that it's now fine and I've moved on. And if she wants to have a relationship with her then that's fine. Not much more to be said about it at this stage really-or anything I can think of that will be useful at least. I had a lot of counselling at the time and this has in some ways dredged up some of the feelings about it again (or at least put me in mind of when I felt really low) which I'm struggling with a bit and I need to get a lid on.

Some of this is superficial, minimising and emotionally dismissive which may come across as disingenuous and confusing to your DD.

I very much doubt “it’s fine” that your friend broke up your family. Some emotional honesty is helpful.

The reality is that your DH and her DF tore you all to shreds.

Maybe that needs exploring / acknowledgement rather than focus on the “friend”. I think there may not be much more to be said by YOU but your DD unique perspective and lived experience needs to be heard and validated. She is needing you to listen compassionately to HER experience.

That’s tough for you because it’s still unresolved, repressed and raw to some extent whether you are aware of it or not.

You don’t need to put a lid on it - you need to deal with it because it is easily triggered and the understandable pain, shock, anger, contempt is leaking out into your family and rendering you unable to support your DD in the most effective way.

That’s not a criticism of you - you have been through hell - just a nudge to take care of yourself so that you have the emotional capacity to care for your DD by seeing and respecting her needs as well as giving you well deserved inner peace.

It's fine because there isn't another option. Obviously it's not ideal and it certainly wasn't back then-but we are 5 years on. I've acknowledged that it was horrendous for DD-I was upset, the girls were upset, it caused weirdness for them at school, basically it was a really bad time-and for the first time her Dad has also a knowledges that to her in recent weeks which has helped their relationship seemingly, but sadly not mine and hers.

The Girlfriend isn't going anywhere so the counsellors view is that DD is going to have to learn to put up With it and my role in that is to reassure her that I've moved on and I won't be upset by it (which I actually truly won't-I will be carry on being honest as I have been and say that I don't think the woman and I will
Ever be friends again, but outside of that whatever happens with Dads girlfriend and DD is not going to affect me or my relationship with Dd or her sister).

I get that she feels torn because she isn't stupid and knows that it's always going to be a bit awkward-but there really isn't another option for any of us except to get on with it. The counsellor will work on that with DD.
But it still doesn't help with the utter hatred she seems to have for me right now I guess.