Male Point of View please.....

[whatstheworsethatcanhappen]

So my relationship has been pretty poor over the last couple of years (lack of communication and affection) things have got worse this year - I think Covid highlighting what is missing. I have to say we have never been a romantic couple (but I don't think romance and closeness are the same things) but i'm pretty sure we did use to talk a lot more (compared to barely anything now).
Finally bit the bullet and we attended a couples counselling session yesterday. I found the counsellor abit harsh (towards me) yet not towards my partner which has left me wondering if what I'm after is ridiculous / unachievable? I've left the session more confused than before.
I basically said I wanted my partner to show an interest in my life, my work etc and to talk to me more as a person (at the moment, all we talk about is the kids). I said we are lacking physical intimacy as I feel like we are like strangers with each other and I lack self esteem.
Counsellors point is that my partner hasn't particularly changed but my needs have ( I don't completely disagree with this). Partner's excuse is that he finds talking draining / tiring.....
I'd like a male point of view on whether what I'm asking for is too much?

about our favourite memories together, how he/she shows appreciation, and how we value each other - feeling very stuck on it! The two memories that come to mind straight away (just involving the two of us) are pre kids when we were walking on the beach and he thought it would be funny to throw a jelly fish at me ... hilarious for him, not me. And the next one is when he gave me mouldy toast to eat when I was pregnant (because I wasn't well, but he couldn't be arsed making food - he hates cooking). I'm sure there are happier memories somewhere because I don't think he's a complete nob, but really struggling to find any good ones at the moment

This is a really bad sign. Read '7 principles of a successful marriage'. Its written by a guy who has dedicated his life to proper research about what makes a successful relationship. He says couples who cannot remember good times together or what they enjoyed doing together are in a bad way. He says its like the negativity in their relationships is like a cancer that has grown and eaten all the memories of why they got together.

I found it a really useful book to understand why I had stayed in a shit relationship so long. You are meant to do it as a couple, as therapy, but I just read the book myself.

I have to say I really think that your relationship sounds dire. I am struggling to see why you would want to stay with someone who has no interest in talking with you (unless there are practical obstacles to splitting). Where is the friendship?

@AaSaat I agree, I don't see why you have to put your life on hold. He does enjoy watching the kids do their sports etc but I don't see why you can't still do other things that don't revolve around the kids. I think it's his excuse to not have to do anything else. Truth is, he puts soo much time and energy in to work, then the kids, that there's not much else left for anything else. I have told him numerous times that work is too much, but I think it's the easier option.

@Dontcallmewifey yep, it doesn't look good. And to be honest I can't and wont stay if things don't change. I'm pretty sure there are some good memories, but like you said they've been eaten away. At the moment, I don't really have any feeling towards him, I don't hate him although I'm obviously annoyed about how things are at the moment. I don't love him, and I really can't remember the last time I did feel love towards him. Practical obstacles aren't as much of an issue now ( my work has increased as kids are bit older (10 & 9) and as I'm freelance I have the ability to earn more money by doing more hours. Financially it will be hard but I'd rather be skint than stay living like this. Also, I don't think its fair for our kids to grow up and think that this is a normal relationship, as it's really not.

[quote whatstheworsethatcanhappen]@JustAnotherOldMan to be fair I too ferry the kids around, most of the childcare is my responsibility. He said he’s happy to put his life on hold for the kids ... I have tried to encourage him to do things, go out more but he doesn’t want to. He’s not said he’s unhappy (I’ve asked him this previously) I think he genuinely enjoys working (60hr week - his choice, not mine) and running kids round.[/quote]
60 hours a week ! Christ that’s almost 50% more then me., no wonder you never talk, no time for it,
Knock that on the head and get some together time in

@whatstheworsethatcanhappen
Your DH sounds a bit like me. I now know that I'm most likely on the autistic spectrum (aren't we all!), and that I have problems with empathy, reading signals, and showing emotion etc.

I'm working on all that, but I've been this way for a loooong time...

However, I mention it because I know I acted the same way with my XW. She often accused me of ignoring her, or not listening etc etc, and it wasn't deliberate on my part - I was (usually) just focused on something else (not football in my case - yuck..)

I was also accused of "looking angry" on occasion, and I wasn't, I just didn't know how to deal with the situation at hand, and my blank panicked look looks like I'm angry..

It certainly fed into why we divorced. (there were other issues as well) Fortunately, we are still friends, and talk about our old relationship, as I'm trying to understand what I did wrong, and why. I've found a lot out about myself in the last couple of years, not all of it pretty.

The question is, do you want to stay with him? I'd say my XW is happier, and we get along a lot better than we did when married (sigh), but if you are going to stay, then I'd suggest that your DH needs to perhaps do his own counseling.

@JustAnotherOldMan ha! I know, but he doesn't want to work less and if he spends more time at home he's still working which I find even more annoying. It's a common piss take from me and others that he loves being at work.

@AverageGuy I have said many times that I think he may have Aspergers or something along those lines and tbh I was surprised the Counsellor didn't highlight it. As he did say that he doesn't feel emotions, doesn't get excited or sad about things etc. Although he does lose his shit at things, so I think it's a bit of an exaggeration to say he feels no emotion....
I do think we could remain friends if we do split up, there isn't any ill feeling between us at the moment, just a lot of frustration and I know that if this does carry on then I will start to resent him. At the moment I don't want us to be together, and I'm not sure we can save the relationship. I feel like I should at least try before chucking the towel in.

[quote whatstheworsethatcanhappen]@JustAnotherOldMan to be fair I too ferry the kids around, most of the childcare is my responsibility. He said he’s happy to put his life on hold for the kids ... I have tried to encourage him to do things, go out more but he doesn’t want to. He’s not said he’s unhappy (I’ve asked him this previously) I think he genuinely enjoys working (60hr week - his choice, not mine) and running kids round.[/quote]
What is it with relationships and work, or hobbies and English relationships.
All work and no play makes jack a dull boy. And you too are bored with each other and life.
Personally I think you're both focusing either on business interests, college, kids and his job hrs are far too long. Where's the relationship in all this. What do you do together.

I was in a marriage like this, every night/weekend was about her job, colleagues etc, my brothers wife is the same. Drowning in work obligations with unimaginative conversations, everyday. Groundhog day.
It's okay striving for individuality however, one turns around one day and neither have anything in common. Your growing apart.

@Hrpuffnstuff1 completely agree. I do other things beside work and kids, I think it's really important to make the most of time / days off. Unfortunately my partner isn't interested in anything other than work and kids. I've suggested the usual meals out etc. I asked if he'd join me running as I used to do canicross with one of the dogs, I've suggested open water swimming .... nothing, he doesn't want to do anything. Thankfully I still go with friends but yeh, it's not right.

[quote whatstheworsethatcanhappen]@Hrpuffnstuff1 completely agree. I do other things beside work and kids, I think it's really important to make the most of time / days off. Unfortunately my partner isn't interested in anything other than work and kids. I've suggested the usual meals out etc. I asked if he'd join me running as I used to do canicross with one of the dogs, I've suggested open water swimming .... nothing, he doesn't want to do anything. Thankfully I still go with friends but yeh, it's not right.[/quote]
Has he always been like this?

@Hrpuffnstuff1 pretty much, so I can't blame him and say he's changed as such. But I'm sure we did do things together before having kids. I think we've always been busy though, 3 house moves and 2 home renovations over that last 10yrs (plus two kids). He used to play football and go out with friends, but that all stopped a few years ago. He doesn't like drinking anymore (fair enough) but I don't know why he can't still go out and not drink. He's definitely more introverted now than when we first got together... so actually, he has changed too