Do you feel taken for granted in your relationship? And what does that look like?

[ItscoldinAlaska]

I am just trying to figure out if I am taken for granted by DP, he says he doesn't take me for granted, but I just gave this gut feeling he does. I find it hard to establish because 6 years ago I was in a marriage where I was left with broken bones. So sometimes I wonder if I put up with crap that I shouldn't because DP is an angel in comparison to ex H. I have done the freedom project, had counselling etc. But don't fully trust my judgement. If people could give me concrete examples that would be great!

I know exactly what you mean about not trusting your own judgement. It's very hard to try to re-establish whats normal when you've left an abusive relationship.

However, there is a world of difference between being in an abusive relationship and being with someone who takes you for granted, which is really just thoughtlessness. Can you give us a few examples of how you feel taken for granted?

I know, it feels like a massively different relationship. I am not controlled, coerced or physically hurt. I have nobody checking petrol in my car, putting key loggers on phones and computers etc. So I am glad BUT I don't want to tolerate thoughtlessness either really. Which is what DP is.

So for example - he does not initiate sex and isn't affectionate. This makes me feel rubbish tbh. He knows this but he says that's just how he is. Also, because he has been stressed at work and finishing off a project he has really slacked off contributing in the house. I did all the cleaning, sorting for selling our house, did all the viewings, instructed solicitors, sorted out the EA. Whilst working FT and looking after my 3DC (not his). That kind of thing?

'Looking after' makes them sound young. Sorting out is prob more accurate, youngest is 9.

I think the slacking off when busy at work could be you being taken for granted but if the roles were reversed and you were busy with work would he have stepped up?

The lack of affection and initiation of sex is not about being taken for granted.
Some people are naturally not affectionate.
How was he when you first met?
Has it gone down the longer you've known him?
How long have you been together?

He has told you he isn't affectionate and isnt willing to change so only you can decide what to do.
Clearly you are not happy but he's not going to change so you either put up with it or you split.

I did in my previous LTR. He never thanked me for meals or other effort I went to for him, never apologised for being late or otherwise inconveniencing me - which he did often. He never praised anything I did, but would tut over things I'd done wrong. For example, he'd frown over how I folded his clothes, rather than just folding them himself, if he didnt like my method. He also stopped cooking entirely when the kids were small - if he was supposed to cook, he'd come home or start cooking so late that everyone was unhappy, and in the end I stopped asking.

Current bf thanks me for things, rarely inconcenviences me, and apologises if he does. He also does a fair share of cooking etc.
At the moment he is stressed at work so I've been trying to cheer him up; he notices and thanks me for making him feel better.

We have been together 3 years. Yes, it has significantly reduced. There are a few conditions that he puts on sex (nobody else in the house, no noise, only in a bed etc) that have kind of meant that the opportunity is greatly reduced. It could just be that he feels uncomfortable, but it also means we are not very bonded IYSWIM.

He does cook etc but only if things are going smoothly in his life - otherwise he is totally absorbed in work/project etc.

Did it change because you moved in together?
Has he always been a workaholic or did he have more time for you initially, and has now slid back into old habits?

@ItscoldinAlaska Blinkin' heck the sex criteria sounds very strict.
Has it always been like that?
If the affection was more at the start then I think he was giving the best version of himself and this is really who he is.

Do you have the house to yourself much if you have 3 kids there as well?

He had way more time for me at the start! We just dated for a year and a half. He lived in a house share. He was funny about sex and noise then. The first night we slept together he almost talked me out of going round due to noise! I forgot that.

He has said others have called him cold too. He is very verbal - says 'I love you, I am committed to this' then is really physically rejecting. I didn't initiate sex as an experiment - it was over two weeks. Which is fine, nobody should have sex when they don't want to but the lack of passion is killing my already low self esteem.

We have the house to ourselves very rarely. So last night we did...nothing. He was working on his project until 9, came to bed and nothing. Had a headache. He is 7 years younger than me. Maybe I am just a fat, unattractive old goat.

Nah, sounds like you're just not very well suited. He sounds like a typical workaholic and someone who doesn't need or want much physical affection.
It's only been three years; sounds like you're just working out what he's really like now.

Its great that he is verbal but for some people they need the physical actions as well.

Have you done the love languages test?
I think his highest is likely to be words of affirmation and yours physical touch.
The problem with love languages is you act how you see love so he is happy with his words because its what he needs to feel loved but isnt what you need.
Sometimes peopke can change but I think he has made it clear he won't.

Does he have low self esteem? I wonder why he doesn't initiate, have you asked him?

What made you live together?

I know that working late can be a priority but if its the only time alone for weeks you would think he could make some effort.
Does he need to work late or is he a workaholic?

He is absolutely a workaholic. We work at the same place and he insists on a 7am start and often works way past 5pm so I have started driving in separately to him, when I need to be in as I was often doing 10 hour days when really I didn't need to.

He moved in because he was about to buy a flat, it fell through and he then said it doesn't feel right buying somewhere alone I'd rather buy with you.

Not done the love languages test. Maybe we need to?

He moved in because he was about to buy a flat, it fell through and he then said it doesn't feel right buying somewhere alone I'd rather buy with you.

I'm sorry to be so blunt and I'm only going by what you've said on here obviously, but it sounds like you're convenient for him, he doesn't sound that into you. Especially with his sex rules.

What are his good points?

So it wasnt a joint decision really, more his idea that you went along with?
I think 18 months is quite soon to live with someone especislly if you have kids.

Did you bring a lot of of your marriage in terms of assets?
Did you discuss how living together would work in terms of finances, housework, kids?
Do you think you are in this relationship (which isn't 100% great) because its so much better than your marriage rather than you actually being in it because you want to be?

Its like you've settled into an old age married couple situation where he works and does nothing else while you work and do everything else. Doesnt seem fair to me and doesn't seem like he needs to do all those hours bit it gets him out of housework, cooking and sex - how convenient.

Well talking to him about it blew up in my face. He literally bellowed at me, told me I was making everything up and I am fucking stupid and has disappeared since 6pm. He hates me basically. Contempt has clearly set in.

You weren't supposed to ever realise he was taking you for granted - that wasn't in his plan which is why he has bellowed at you.

He is happy with his life and was hoping you would be too.

Any loving partner would take your concerns on board and sit down to discuss things.
His reaction says it all☹

Oh dear. Sounds like your gut feeling is better than you expected.

Oh, Itscold, that's horrible . How are you now? Is it your house?