Looking for a woman’s advice!

[Libertyornot]

Hi Mumsnetters,

I’m a 28 year old man, my girlfriend is 27, we both live apart (same area though, greater Manchester) and have been together for 8 months. I’m an accountant and she’s a geologist.

We have a really good relationship on the whole and I’m totally besotted and adore her. This is my first real ‘proper’ relationship and would love things to go further and develop.

One thing I’m worried about is my ‘sulky’ behaviour Ive recently discovered in myself. I find myself on occasions slipping into a quiet, somewhat “off” attitude subconsciously seeking re-assurance or some form of affection. (Please don’t shoot me down, I am admitting it and want to do something about it!!!) we both are physical with each other but I think it comes down to wanting her to ask for a hug, hold my hand, says she misses me on occasions, want her to cuddle up to me and ‘touch’ me on her own accord. I’ve tried not doing it as much to see if it makes a difference and I’m definitely not OTT with it or smothering. She tells me she loves affection and physical contact.

This is a bit of a brain dump so apologies but I’m keen to know from a women’s point of view if my behaviour is irrational?

Thanks!

I’d speak to her about it. Tell her you really love when she seeks affection from you and tell her how it makes you feel. She maybe doesn’t know!

Hard to tell what the issue is by what you say. I can only say that I love giving and receiving hugs and affection, but if after a while, if I come to realise that I'm the

Read up on love languages.

I think it is great that you are becoming aware of your own needs and reflecting about how you both interact with each other. No one is a mind reader and most of us aren't that great about talking about emotions - male or female in my experience.

Sulking though is negative and I think if you can disengage from the emotion behind this sulking you might be able to find the words to discuss your feelings. Feeling wanted and needed by your partner is normal and being in a relationship where you feel the opposite is painful. There is a book called the 5 languages of love that might be of interest.

(Oh FFS, I didn't even hit post!) ....if I'm the only one giving, after a while, I'll stand off and see if it will be reciprocated. Hopefully, the other person will notice and show some in return or make it known that it's missed. But if not, they could be just not that way inclined, which long term, I would class as incompatible.

My ex was like your gf. Very unaffectionate. He showed his affection by fixing my car, putting in a light bulb, or paying for my dinner. That was great but it wasn’t enough for me, especially after I tried to let him know what I wanted. Eventually I resented him and we ended the relationship.

So she may love you but may not be very big into physical affection.

Hi
It sounds like your talking about connection. Your attempts to gain affection etc is just a need for connection.

At this point in your relationship (8 months), id say its possibly normal that real life comes back into the forefront and attention gets pulled away from the relationship. Its just 'life' and 'your relationship' adjusting and intertwining. Its said to happen anywhere from 6 months to 18 months into a new relationship. Its not a bad sign...its a sign to possibly find a new common goal, activity (new one), common interest....to anchor your connection...that way when you BOTH or one or the other are more focused on real day to day churn and life...you both have the shared goal, interest to draw on.

Find out your love languages

Speak to her but do it in a positive way...i.e
Check in with her to make sure she's alright. Tell her that you love you have a connection that allows you both to speak openly and how much you value and trust that if she ever has so.ething on her mind to come speak to you.
Tell her how your looking forward to doing more things together now that covid has lifted and ask what she'd like to do...then share the things youd like to do.

Be aware that sulking is counterproductive and can be unintentionaly toxic...its an act of withdrawing...not good for a connection. If you have to withdraw...let her know that your feeling a bit blue and that you may not be yourself, so not to worry..and that it may be an idea to do something together thats nice.

Hope this helps

First of all, awareness of a difficulty and not blaming another party is the first step to putting something right. So well done on that score.

Are you bold enough (not sure that bold is quite the right word!) to ask her to point out to you when she thinks you are sulking? Might this work? Remember here that although you have sought a woman’s advice, we are not a herd. We can try and make helpful suggestions but there is no one size fits all. x

Look at Craig Kenneth on YouTube or Spotify. Loads of great advice on relationships and working on yourself to be the best option you can be.

You've already done the first and biggest step i.e reflected on your behaviour and shown some self awareness and willingness to improve.

Some people are simply more tactile than others. It may be that your “not OTT with it” is for her. We can’t possibly tell, you’d have to talk with her to see. I am not as tactile as DH, and he’s learned to check first before going for a hug. He usually picks a bad time to go for affection like when I’m busy. By checking it helps me understand he would like some affection and also he knows whether I am ok with it or not. I’m making this sound more transactional than it plays out in reality. And I also find I need time to myself and rather than withdraw I say I need an evening to myself, DH has got his head around this not being about him at all, I just sometimes need to be left alone for a bit having had lots of meetings at work and then constant conversation from DC the rest of the day.