I want to separate but don’t feel strong enough

[Newmumoct20]

A few of you might have seen other threads. In summary I’m with an emotionally abusive partner and I have a small baby.

We live in my home, he has no financial attachment and despite promising me every week things will be better they never are.

He drinks too much, getting into such a state he wants nothing to do with the baby albeit he always goes on about how he is such a good father.

He takes the mickey out of my mental health problems, I have anxiety and depression caused by our relationship problems, and postnatal depression albeit I love my baby and I do the best I can under the circumstances.

I’m broken, sad and upset, things have got so bad I don’t want to tell anyone what’s actually happening because I feel ashamed and worry my son will be taken off me.

I want him to go... every time I pluck up the courage to tell him, something in me snaps and I cry and beg him to stay, I feel so lost in myself and this situation.

My partner dislikes me, says I’m not a proper woman cos I don’t cook or look after him. But what upsets me more is he doesn’t want to spend time with his baby, his other children with his ex are more important and he’d rather drink, shout at me and belittle me than laugh and play with his baby.

Our little baby is perfect and innocent and I feel the worst guilt for the environment I’m putting baby in, sometimes I feel like I don’t want to be here anymore, I just want to run away with the baby and start over or that the baby would be better with my parents.

Any advice would be appreciated and that push to leave x

So sorry you're in this tough situation, op. Your last para has potentially got the solution in it, but not in the way you wrote it. Can you go to your parents with your baby temporarily? Would they support you? You don't even have to have the "I'm leaving" conversation if it's too hard or you're afraid of what he might do when drunk, just say you're not doing well and you need to go for a break.

You sound completely worn down and you have a new baby. Once you make that step of taking you and your little one out of this situation you will start to feel stronger. You and your baby are the priority. You need protection and a safe place. Can you go to your parents?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

It seems that this man has no right at all to remain in what is after all your home. I presume by your writing he has no financial attachment means that he is neither on a mortgage or any tenancy agreement. I would not hesitate also to call the police to remove him from your home now particularly if he kicks off.

Abuse like described thrives on secrecy so you have taken a small but important step in writing about this on here. You need to keep talking to others and Women’s Aid would also be of great help to you. I would also suggest that you look at the Freedom Programme.

The shame here is all his, not yours.
Your son will not be removed from you particularly if you get your abuser out of your day to day lives. How supportive are your parents here?

Sometimes in life the daily struggle is simply overwhelming and we get too exhausted, scared or weak to try to resolve it. Firstly, you have to totally make up your mind that you definitely want to end this relationship. When you cry and beg him to stay you are inadvertently telling him he can abuse you but its ok. It can be totally overwhelming to change our lifstyle but you know, in your heart that you must. Can you go away to your parents for a few days, get a little headspace. Try and start the Freedom programme....see what other help is available to help you gain the strength to separate from this person who is causing you so much harm. Look towards the long term goal....the one where your baby and yourself are happy. Speak to your doctor about your anxiety/depression..you may be referred to some sort of Talking Therapy....you may not think you are strong enough to change your life...but you ARE..so start believing it and start believing in yourself. Good luck...

The perceived pain of kicking him out will be temporary. He doesn’t deserve you or your baby.

That short term pain is better than countless years of feeling how you are now.

Summon your courage and get him as far out of your lives as possible.

@MMadness has nailed it. Short-term pain now vs the long-term benefit of not having to share your life with a nasty man. And the huge benefit to your baby of having a happy mum. Of course you’re depressed and anxious being in a relationship with this man. He’s probably contributed to your PND also.

Could one or both of your parents come to stay and help get him out? It’s a domestic abuse situation so normal restrictions don’t apply.