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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A question that will annoy people

21 replies

AcornAutumn · 12/04/2021 21:22

There seems to be a type who attracts a lot of offers of help

Whether it's volunteers shopping, friends who do practical stuff for you etc.

MN is full of posters saying "I do this for someone and I don't know how to stop".

How do people attract those willing to PA and run errands etc? What am I missing and where do people find these friends?

I'm always happy to help people in need but some people seem to attract them. I mostly attract people who like to talk about their problems and think I have a "kind" face.

What am I doing wrong? I don't want to be the person the random drunk on the train chats to, I want to be the person who gets a msg saying "I'm popping to the shops, do you want anything?"

OP posts:

Kat6901 · 12/04/2021 21:24

I’m a bit like this, have firmer boundaries and say you are busy or keep moving.x

SassenachWitch · 12/04/2021 21:26

I’m one of those people that seems to do everything for others, and no one does anything for me.

I have martyred myself though if I’m honest, I won’t ask for help and on the odd occasion it’s been offered, I’ve declined on the basis that I’m fine, when really I’m sinking in every aspect of my life, my kids, my job, my house. So, it’s probably my own fault 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster

AcornAutumn · 12/04/2021 21:29

Sassenach "I’m one of those people that seems to do everything for others, and no one does anything for me. "

Why do you do it and how do I find such people? I am very happy to do things in return, i'm not a total arse 😂

Just that I don't ever attract these people.

OP posts:

Mistystar99 · 12/04/2021 21:36

Lol, are you trying to find a slave? Just by the fact you are asking advice on how to do it, you are not a natural slavemaster.
Go back to base, and think again. You can submit them to your will if you try hard enough. And good luck!

Original poster

AcornAutumn · 12/04/2021 21:39

@Mistystar99

Lol, are you trying to find a slave? Just by the fact you are asking advice on how to do it, you are not a natural slavemaster. Go back to base, and think again. You can submit them to your will if you try hard enough. And good luck!

I'm trying to think again, hence the question.

The only people who seem to offer are men who are looking for one thing...how to take them up on it and keep them as a friend? Which now has the horrible term "friendzone" even though if they needed me to take them to A&E at 4am, I would, as I would any friend.

OP posts:

Changingwiththetimes · 12/04/2021 21:43

Why on earth do you want to be a needy, helpless person? If you need help with something, just ask. I find people who can't seem to do the most basic things ridiculous.

Original poster

AcornAutumn · 12/04/2021 21:45

@Changingwiththetimes

Why on earth do you want to be a needy, helpless person? If you need help with something, just ask. I find people who can't seem to do the most basic things ridiculous.

I am very independent

That might be the problem?

People often want me to help with things but rarely offer.

OP posts:

Mistystar99 · 12/04/2021 21:58

The type of men who offer probably aren't looking for a friend, so don't worry too much about offending them by refusal. Are you after women who'd do as much/more for you, or men who'd help (without agenda) or are you just knackered of doing too much for others and fancy a bit of reciprocal from anyone??

Original poster

AcornAutumn · 12/04/2021 21:58

Actually, I just thought to add...

I'm now likely to need help changing light bulbs! I have developed a problem with vertigo. Last time it caught me unawares, I thought it had gone but when I looked up to remove a light bulb, I fell off the bloody ladder!

OP posts:

BobbidyBob · 12/04/2021 22:01

How do people attract those willing to PA and run errands etc

What a truly bizarre question. Do you really not know? Think about who you would do those jobs for.

someone vulnerable who you know would struggle
a good friend, not someone who just wants to be pals in exchange for something

Are you either of those things? Why do you need the help? There are charities you can ask for help if you need it, or people you can pay if you’re in a position to.

Original poster

AcornAutumn · 12/04/2021 22:07

@Mistystar99

Ideally women

Sadly, I have not had great experiences trying to be friends with men but I'm willing to give it another go

I am not doing a lot because of lockdown, but I care for mum and give practical help to a couple of her elderly friends. I also helped a neighbour with probate recently but feel that was a mistake as she now wants to talk about widowhood - on the phone - and also she has her adult DD living with her who has asked for a couple of favours. I did them because she lost her dad, but I've since been warned by other neighbours that she often asks for things.

I'd like to be more like that adult DD tbh. But also I notice, some people are just givers. I don't have those in my life. I do in terms of people to help mum, but not to help me.

Even if they just see me coming back from work and say "I'm going to the shop, do you want anything" - between work, care for mum, I would soooo appreciate that.

My cousin, who sort of has more health problems, has quite a few friends who want to help him with stuff. It depends what you consider a health problem I guess. He puts himself across as being very helpless though and it seems to work on women in particular.

OP posts:

Original poster

AcornAutumn · 12/04/2021 22:08

@BobbidyBob

How do people attract those willing to PA and run errands etc

What a truly bizarre question. Do you really not know? Think about who you would do those jobs for.

someone vulnerable who you know would struggle
a good friend, not someone who just wants to be pals in exchange for something

Are you either of those things? Why do you need the help? There are charities you can ask for help if you need it, or people you can pay if you’re in a position to.

Arguably both. I can manage, i'd just really like support.

OP posts:

snowdropsandcrocuses · 12/04/2021 22:18

@AcornAutumn my OH is extremely kind. He will turn out for anyone. In fact he turned out this evening to help an acquaintance with car problems (he is not a mechanic but is good with practical things). He will text the neighbour or friends to ask if they need anything when he's going to the shops. He will turn up on a job with bacon rolls for the workers. I used to think he gets abused and to be honest over the years I've encouraged him to tone it down a little as he used to have exes and all kinds of user types ringing.

But here's what is interesting. He has a chronic injury this year which has completely shafted us. We moved house and he is definitely struggling because of this injury. And you know what? We've had no less than ten people turn up for us at different times to help with digging, labouring, fixing and moving heavy stuff. They weren't my friends. They were all his. Each of them turning up to do horrible jobs with a smile on their face because he has done a good turn for all of them.

So, in the absence of vulnerability I would say it really does get paid forward but you have to ask. Be nice. Put yourself out for others. And when you really need it, ask. You'll be surprised how many people will turn out to help you.

Original poster

AcornAutumn · 12/04/2021 22:23

Snowdrops "So, in the absence of vulnerability I would say it really does get paid forward but you have to ask. Be nice. Put yourself out for others. And when you really need it, ask. You'll be surprised how many people will turn out to help you."

I do. I have. I have mostly been abandoned due to lockdown, before that, people finding partners etc.

As I said, I could be considered vulnerable. I won't put my long list of issues here but I was lucky not to get a shielding letter.

I had three neighbours who were helpful but all have left London. Combined with lockdown, I feel horribly lonely and like no one gives a shit. So when I can get out and make new friends, I need to think how I approach it.

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 12/04/2021 22:30

Men offering to help for one reason do not want to be your friend. And you wouldn't want to be accepting offers off men like that.

Nice people who are good friends with you longterm may make offers like that but the emphasis is on 'nice people'. You have them in your life or you don't. And most of them will need to be more longterm friends as people with good boundaries don't tend to offer favors early on because you might turn out to be a big old energy vampire.

Be careful of any new person who is too free with favors. They may be lovely and just taking mad risks or they may be the sort who gives in order to take.

Original poster

AcornAutumn · 12/04/2021 22:34

Wander "Men offering to help for one reason do not want to be your friend. And you wouldn't want to be accepting offers off men like that. "

Or have I been thinking the worst? I just don't know any more.

OP posts:

again2020 · 13/04/2021 12:38

I'm a do-er for others, I'll literally bend over backwards to do things for others and tie myself in knots to keep the peace, even for people who do not deserve it. My only explanation is I learnt from my DM and hate confrontations/arguements.

Case in point, I'm taking MIL to two separate hospital appointments on Thursday with DD (in different towns) as MIL is scared to drive there. This is just a week after she told me how I failed DD when she was a baby (I had MH issues) ...but I need to keep her 'on side' as she is my childcare for when I go to work and to not make things difficult for my partner.

It's a mugs game!
I've always wanted to have one of these men who will do anything for me 😂
I know plenty of friends who have them. I'm clearly doing doing something wrong 😂

twittwoowho · 13/04/2021 13:15

I'm the person who runs around for a friend doing it all for her. I feel like her PA and I don't enjoy it. I don't know why I do it and my friend always has a way of manipulating me and makes it hard for me to say no. Then if I say no I sound like a bitch eg I can pop to the shop on the way to hers as I am passing the shop (but I don't want to) I can give her a lift as I live 5 mins away and I'm not doing anything else (but I don't want to).

She has a lot of people running around for her, I think its because she has a lot of front and is not afraid to ask anyone to do anything. She is v cheeky with her asks. Lately, I don't tell her anything about where I am going/what I am doing because she will ask for help eg if I go to the shop she will ask me to get her something and then I will have to drop it off at hers (and she has a car she can get to the shop as easy as I can). If the item costs £1ish she wont pay me as she argues that £1 is nothing. I'm not fussed by £1 but when it's all the time the pounds soon add up. Her other friend gives her loads of stuff, quite ££ too. I don't know why, its never for anything specific, she just gives it all to her, I think this friend is trying to buy the other woman's friendship.

I NEVER volunteer for any of the favours - I have a house/kids/job of my own and I am totally exhausted by her and her asks.

twittwoowho · 13/04/2021 13:16

@again2020ain I'm a do-er for others, I'll literally bend over backwards to do things for others and tie myself in knots to keep the peace, even for people who do not deserve it.
//////\ This totally

Onelifeonly · 13/04/2021 13:30

I'm more the self sufficient type that will turn down unsolicited offers of help. I have to tell myself that it is ok to need help and that even if I don't actually want it, that others like to be appreciated. I am happy to help others but don't go out of my way to do so usually - life is busy anyway.

You probably come over as self sufficient and competent- there's nothing wrong with that. I think if you need support, you should ask for it from the right people - decent people won't mind as long as you don't take them for granted.

People who offer all the time have their own reasons and possibly need to be needed. That may be something others appreciate, but isn't necessarily a good quality as when a PP said she has to avoid her friend in order not to be manipulated into doing things for her.

Original poster

AcornAutumn · 14/04/2021 18:16

"I know plenty of friends who have them. I'm clearly doing doing something wrong"

I've only dated men who do all the...everything.

Cba with men though.

I think a combination of people moving away, then lockdown with some friends becoming Covhysterics, who probably won't leave the house for 5 years etc, hasn't helped.

I am very much going on a mission to meet new people when it's possible and if anyone offers anything, even a lift when I don't need it, I'm just going to say yes.

OP posts:

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