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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fine line between showing interest but coming over too keen?

5 replies

orzo15 · 12/04/2021 08:56

So back in September I went on a couple dates with a really lovely guy. He was quite shy initially but then we got on great second date. However, I was going through so much and had recently moved to the city and realised I needed some time to myself. So I messaged after the second date to say I thought we genuinely was great but I just wasn't ready for a relationship, and he was lovely and understood as I told him some of the stuff that had gone on.

Any fast forward to last week and I was on the dating apps again and I saw his profile. I had always had a hint of regret about telling him that but I felt it was fair. But i've had some time to myself, invested myself in new friendships etc and feel like I am in a better place now. I sent him a message asking how he was and thought well if he isn't interested he could just ignore me but he replied and I asked if he'd like to meet up again and he was enthuastic and so last week we met up for a walk. We chatted for a couple hours and it was really nice but the end was awkward as we had already kissed but this felt like a first date again? So we just hugged (should add here we are not in the UK).

I sent a follow up message that night because he seemed like he maybe wanted to kiss and I didn't want him to thnk I wasn't interested, just a bit awkward after a walk date, so I said I had a nice time and would be nice to meet up again if he fancies it, and he said yeah me too that'd be great. Then we messaged for a bit just chit chat that night and said good night. I haven't heard from him since then, and I'm torn between wanting to message to ask about his weekend to let him know I am interested because I understand he is probably cautious, but also not wanting to constantly initiate?

What do you think? The first time round, we messaged probably every other but he initiated most of it. But I do get that if I was him I'd feel a bit like hesitant to put lots of effort in in case I did the same thing again. But I also don't want him to get scared away by me messaging constantly!

OP posts:
Shooshybobs · 12/04/2021 09:24

I would message on this occasion and all going well, let him contact you after that. This shows you are keen this time, but it should be 50/50 not just always one person perusing

orzo15 · 12/04/2021 09:28

Thank you, yeah thats what my friend said. I will send a message later today then asking about his weekend, but leave it to him to ask maybe about the next date? Does that seem fair?

OP posts:
PrincessPea11 · 12/04/2021 09:54

I agree with contacting him. I get you don't want to chase but given that you had already broken things off once (albeit in the right way), and the end of the last date was a bit awkward, theres a good chance he might just be hanging back, either to give you space or to not get too invested.

I would get in touch, but ask about his weekend AND suggest another date (as in a place and time) this week, then see what he comes back with. The good thing is that if youre in the UK, places are reopening so you can use that as a bit of a context.

Make it clear you'd like to see him again but then if he doesn't respond enthusiastically (suggesting another time if he can't make this week), then I would just leave it.

You did the right thing in ending things to concentrate on yourself last time but if he's got any sense he won't do the running just yet. If he accepts this date, then let it become more even handed in who initiates contact afterwards but as you liked him, I think give it a push.

seensome · 12/04/2021 09:54

I wouldn't ask about his weekend as he's on a dating app and he could of been dating Confused but you could start the conversation again about something you previously spoke about or just get to the point of asking when he'll like to meet again, he might be apprehensive after what happened last time.

orzo15 · 12/04/2021 09:58

Thank you! Definitely makes sense and I appreciate the way I could be coming across in his eyes. I certainly dont want to be seen as someone who just messaged out of boredom and options because that isn't the case.

I've asked about his weekend because he told me his plans, meeting friends and some activity thing so doesnt feel awkward in case he was out dating. Which he might have been but he knows I know he was doing other stuff as well. Thanks for the advice! Good to get some perspective 😊

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