How to handle different values in a friendship?

[garlic305]

I’m in my mid twenties, as is this friend.

Known from school, we were very close, but have gone on different paths in life. I moved away abroad (I’m temporarily back due to the pandemic and studying, but my future will likely be abroad again for my work), she has stayed in our home town since school, has a serious partner, own home.

I love her but I struggle at times. I want to seek the views of other women on here. This friend constantly drops in money or material things into the conversation. It’s always about the price of her next holiday, her phone contract, the price of her garden stuff, the price of the new car she wants. She has to have the newest of everything and will do anything to avoid public transport. She mostly likes to talk about her achievements instead of engaging in a 2-sided conservation where we mutually share our success/hopes/failures/views/feelings. She has this knack of making you feel like her time is more important than yours. She always makes a point of saying again and again how busy she is, how she’ll have to ‘look in the diary’ to ‘squeeze you in’. It’s like trying to arrange an appointment with a Fortune 500 CEO at times to go to the local pub for a drink. I dread asking her because I know we will have to go through this whole performance where she shouts about how incredibly busy she is and implicitly everyone else is expected to accommodate and fit around her schedule. None of my other mates are like this, all work full time too. And, no, she doesn’t have children.

I want to maintain this friendship, I value it in many ways and respect it, but I find the above such hard work that I even started to decline invites to spend time together. I’m not really materialistic. It doesn’t impress me. I’d rather talk to a friend about interests or politics/pop culture or ask how they’re doing etc. The materialistic stuff is too draining for me, not what I value in friendship, and feels competitive.

Any advice on how to tread here? I am so conflicted. Is this just part of growing apart as we get older? Is it a phase? I really do appreciate this friend, but these issues are difficult for me.I’m in my mid twenties, as is this friend.

You’ve grown apart. It’s natural and no ones fault. Your 20s can be a painful time as your friendships shake down into a smaller core group.Go and enjoy your future abroad, think of all the interesting people you’ll meet

she sounds insecure and like she needs to validate her life. Go low contact for now. She might mature in a few years' time and you can pick up the friendship

Why would you want to keep this friendship? She sounds awful.

You no longer like her — understandably, as she sounds a tiresome bore — and are only wanting to continue the friendship out of some strange nostalgia, or habit.

This isn’t about ‘different values’, it’s about why on earth you’d want to stay friends with someone (a) this awful and who (b) doesn’t appear to want to see you.

I really do appreciate this friend

What do you appreciate about her?

The thing is you don't have to like her or want to spend time with her. It is absolutely OK to have friendship boundaries.

I know two people who regularly talk about how busy they are. Both don’t work, have no young children and have no hobbies. I think it’s an insecurity thing. She sounds insecure too.

When people talk about the cost of everything it’s because they’re trying to impress you and think for whatever reason that impressing others with how much money they have is the way to go about it. Again, insecurity.

If you no longer have common interests and enjoy talking with her I’d let the friendship fizzle out. Stop suggesting meeting up.

I agree with what SatNightFever said.
You've gone on different pathways, and, at the moment your lives are very different.
Many, many friendships are 'of a time' or 'or a place' or 'of a shared interest' (or even because you commute together).
Nothing wrong with that.
No need to do anything dramatic, just stop asking her. IF she is so busy then she won't even notice. If she wants to work at the friendship then she will get in touch.
It may well be that when you come home again in a few years time, you reconnect, or it might just be that your friendship was lovely when it lasted and now you've gone different ways.

I don't think you need to 'do' anything particularly, except phone ther friends when you want to go for a local drink.

Thanks for the replies. I think the insecurity analysis is bang on. A need for validation. The busy bragging stuff is particularly exhausting. When I realised that none of my other friends did that, the penny dropped.

Working out my own boundaries/creating space seems a good way forward.

These changes in your twenties aren't talked about enough. The natural drift from established friends can be tough to navigate.

Out of interest have you ever gently brought up that she does this? Is she part of a friendship group with similar values to hers?

I'm afraid I have nothing to add, sorry. It's quite sad when friendships drift but pretty common.

You’ve known her a long time. Rather than just drop the friendship how about sending her a letter or email explaining how you feel? Just be honest. Say that her trying to squeeze you in is putting you off. It’s worth a try?

I disagree with stoopider.
Not sure what would be gained by writing a letter to someone to point out why you have gone off them.
Just stop chasing her. If she values your friendship then she will get in touch. You can still meet up occasionally for a lunch or something without it being a regular thing.

I have a friend somewhat like this. She’s a lovely woman and has done well professionally , originally though from not a particularly ‘nice’ area, and I think she feels she has to mention her earning capacity and purchases at every opportunity. It’s a bit odd, but I’ve seen it lots of times

I am in my late forties now and have several friends from childhood who I am still friends with, and my advice would be not to hold on too tight to them. People change and grow apart for a while, and then change again and grow back together. My long term friends and I have had periods of several years with little contact, and then periods where we are regularly in touch. Unless you actually want to end the friendship, don't make an issue of it, don't write letters about it. Just spend less time together, focus on other friends and maybe you will reconnect more closely down the line again.

She isn't a friend, she is a energy vampire. Someone who has to constantly bring things back to her her her is a narcissist. Take this as a life lesson in spotting when ppl close to you are toxic and learning to protect yourself and your energy from them. By walking away.