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Original poster

What would you do?

9 replies

Highheeljunkie · 11/04/2021 19:45

A bit of support and different opinions needed please. I am in the process of separation, we are still living together for now but I will will moving out with the DC later in the year.

Previously when my DH upset the DC (13,8) they would come to me to sort it out. I have decided as we are separating to take a step back and have said to them if something is upsetting them they need to have a discussion with that person to try and work things out. I am not always going to be there to mediate.

My eldest was upset with a couple of things that have happened over the week and decided to have a discussion and they seemed to have resolved it, DH apologised etc. I had gone out for an hour to clear my head, very difficult time for all.

My DH has explained what had happened, no argument or anything. I did say during the discussion I agree with DD, he could have been more sensitive. I have not said this to DD as do not want to be taking sides. Part of us splitting up is his not recognising other people’s needs within the home, very lonely. I have decided enough is enough.

So my question is, do you think I am doing the right thing? Having discussions and trying to enable the children to be more independent and problem solve? Or should I be getting involved a little more (not shouting or arguing) just supporting the DC? My head is a mess, it may be obvious but with everything going on and trying to stay neutral and have a happy relaxed home is very exhausting at this time.

OP posts:
Jesskir89 · 11/04/2021 23:36

It depends what it is op. If its small things, I think you're right to show them independence as this will help when they visit their dad on his days. If its bigger things then you need to put a stop to it

Original poster
Highheeljunkie · 12/04/2021 07:48

It’s thoughtless day to day stuff that he just doesn’t seem to think about. Ie DD organised a cinema / film afternoon and he went out! Not updating on important family information, not including the children in important family information etc etc. Anything big I would discuss because he is crap

OP posts:
Aprilx · 12/04/2021 08:34

What does “not updating on important family information” and “not including the children in important family information” actually cover?

On the little information you have provided it is hard to have an opinion. But I do wonder if you and DH simply have different personalities, different styles and you are sometimes taking sides with the children against him. Sounds like they sorted the latest issue out without you, so your new approach of leaving them to it sounds fine.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/04/2021 08:45

Perhaps you could let the 13yo sort more things out for herself, but still support the younger? I think 8 is a bit young to realise your dad is a thoughtless shit :(

Was it the younger who organised the film activity?

I remember when my H and I were separating, it was fathers day and I had of course taken DS out to buy a card and gift. He would have been 10, nearly 11. He came down in the morning and held it out to his dad, who grunted "yeah whatever" and went into his "study" and slammed the door in DS's face. My heart nearly broke in two. I didn't even have a row with H about it after, it was just one more nail in the coffin for our marriage.

MazekeenSmith · 12/04/2021 08:47

Part of us splitting up is his not recognising other people’s needs within the home, very lonely

So your solution is to check out of supporting the children when their father does something thoughtless and leave them to deal with it themselves? No I don't think you are doing the right thing at all

Original poster
Highheeljunkie · 12/04/2021 09:02

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Perhaps you could let the 13yo sort more things out for herself, but still support the younger? I think 8 is a bit young to realise your dad is a thoughtless shit :(

Was it the younger who organised the film activity?

I remember when my H and I were separating, it was fathers day and I had of course taken DS out to buy a card and gift. He would have been 10, nearly 11. He came down in the morning and held it out to his dad, who grunted "yeah whatever" and went into his "study" and slammed the door in DS's face. My heart nearly broke in two. I didn't even have a row with H about it after, it was just one more nail in the coffin for our marriage.

I am picking my arguments otherwise it would be a very miserable place at the minute. The issues and upset to be fairs the oldest, she over heard my husband on the phone as grandparent unwell. He hadn’t thought to talk this through with the children
OP posts:
Original poster
Highheeljunkie · 12/04/2021 09:06

@MazekeenSmith

Part of us splitting up is his not recognising other people’s needs within the home, very lonely

So your solution is to check out of supporting the children when their father does something thoughtless and leave them to deal with it themselves? No I don't think you are doing the right thing at all

I was actually home to reassure and comfort the children, my daughter chose to raise the issue herself. My question is do I raise everything with DH or do I leave the children to learn to discuss problems and deal with some smaller issues independently?
OP posts:
Original poster
Highheeljunkie · 12/04/2021 09:07

@Aprilx

What does “not updating on important family information” and “not including the children in important family information” actually cover?

On the little information you have provided it is hard to have an opinion. But I do wonder if you and DH simply have different personalities, different styles and you are sometimes taking sides with the children against him. Sounds like they sorted the latest issue out without you, so your new approach of leaving them to it sounds fine.

I agree we do have different styles and this can cause some conflict. I have done my best to stay neutral and if the children find something upsetting whether that be something I have done or something DH, they feel comfortable to be able to discuss that with us. No body is perfect, we all have our flaws
OP posts:
ButterflyHoneyPot · 12/04/2021 09:12

Well I can understand not telling the children their grandparent is unwell, why needlessly worry them? Unless it’s terminal, that’s a different story. Going out on a cinema afternoon, do you mean they were going to watch movies together? Bit shit to disappear if they’d had plans but he could have forgot.

Nothing you’ve mentioned screams thoughtless bastard, and yes you should let your children discuss their issues with their dad. Don’t understand why you’d get in the middle of that even if you were a happily married couple Hmm

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