Don't know what to do. I want to leave I think.

[lonel]

I don't know whether I am being ridiculous or reasonable. I have been married almost twenty years, with teenage children. DH is ten years older than me and is not going to change. I just feel so lonely in the marriage. We barely talk about anything personal. I have tried and tried to chat. It always ends up with him lecturing me on something or telling me where I am going wrong. It's like he doesn't really know how to talk to people.

Yesterday we went to a shop to buy something in particular for me and I was talking to the sales staff and he was constantly interrupting to ask questions or talk about himself. He talks very loudly and has no idea how he comes across (I, on the other hand, am very aware that people find him jarring - he's just so loud). I have tried to talk to him about it but he just doesn't get it and it seems to be getting worse. Several people have told me they find him aggressive in the way he speaks - it's like everything is a debate that he has to win.

I think this is the sort of thing that if he were more attentive in other ways I could probably overlook - but he isn't. I just feel so lonely and I feel that the rest of my life will be me making excuses for him and trying to mitigate the way he makes other people feel while feeling less and less like I exist.

It sounds like you don’t like him very much so you know what you need to do

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
You have obviously been in your marriage a long time and made things work so far.
I would make a list of the likes and dislikes and see if it’s something you can turn a bling eye to. We all have annoying things that we do & it depends if the positive and your love supersedes this rude habit.
My partner is similar but with myself mainly, always has to be right etc it can become annoying.
If you decide to stay maybe try cutting the conversation short or walking away?
I hope you manage to come to a decision xXx

*blind eye 🤦🏼‍♀️

If you feel you want to leave then that’s what you should do. If your not happy only you can do something about that, you only have one life.

I am so sorry you feel like this, it’s so difficult isn’t it?

Marriage doesn't have to be a life sentence.

It doesn't sound like you like him much any more and if you're not getting your needs met then maybe it's time to make the leap.

Thank you. I feel so desperately sad about it. He wants to stay married but apparently isn't willing to change even a tiny bit. I can't imagine growing old together. I feel so lonely now - what will it be like when the kids leave?

It doesn't sound like you like him much any more
You're right unfortunately. My heart sinks when I hear his key in the door.

If your heart sinks when he gets home there is your answer , you can't live like that. If you dont leave him you will look back in years to come and be annoyed with yourself , those are years that could be spent being happy not so fed up you can't bare him coming home .

He probably thinks of himself as happily married. There's a joke about a man who said "I was very happily married for 20 years, until my wife decided she wanted to be happy too."

If he's not prepared to reflect on his behaviour and your relationship, and make necessary changes/compromises, then really you're wasting precious time.

There's a joke about a man who said "I was very happily married for 20 years, until my wife decided she wanted to be happy too."
So true. When we have talked in the past he has said everything is fine. Of course it's fine for him. He has made really big family decisions without even consulting me. My feelings never count. I have always said we need to work as a team but we never have.

How is this only a problem now, after 20 years? Was he not like this when you met?

No, he wasn't. Or at least he hid it better.

@Suewiththegreenlights

How is this only a problem now, after 20 years? Was he not like this when you met?

Have you never got to a stage you needed to reassess your life? Has nothing ever got more and more of a problem as it goes on, for you?

Really not unusual when your kids are getting to the age they'll be flying the nest, to realise you're facing a life on your own with that guy.

Op, I would have a chat with a solicitor, just an initial conversation, to see what splitting looks like.

I think your reaction to the sound of his key in the door says it all. Life is too short to be unhappy. Would you make plans to leave once kids fly the nest?

It sounds like you know you want a divorce but just want validation that it’s the right thing for you which is probably is given your updates