Has anyone got love and physical attraction back?

[BreakupPending]

I recently started a thread about my husband wanting a trial separation.

That started but we're also going through marriage counselling. Our communication is already better, but it's led to my husband telling me he doesn't love me anymore and isn't physically attracted to me. He told me not feeling wanted (I was going through reliving a rape and was in the denial stage but now getting help) led to him no longer loving me. There's no anger or hatred. He just feels nothing, like his feelings for me are dead.

Has anyone been through this and got to the attraction and love back? I'm trying to give him space but then I keep thinking space is going to led to the gap growing between us. He says part of him wants this to work but he is on the fence right now.

I know the idea of always being in love is a lie. This isn't about why we got to this point; we're working on that. It's about whether there is hope in that it's possible to get the feelings back.

[Dustmotes]

In my case I think it is. We've been together 11 years and our sex life took a dive about 4 years ago (finally dealing with with impact of childhood sexual abuse and mental health issues on my side, physical health issues and not knowing how to deal with my mental health issues and treating me with kid gloves on his) and it started feeling like we were more roomates but I couldn't imagine my life without him.
My love for him never went away but the physical desire did then it hit me one day, we'd not kissed in months, we'd pecked but not properly kissed. So I just walked up to him and took matters into my own hands because he had told me before that he was both scared of rejection and didn't want to push any boundaries with me due to what happened when I was a child. I think it ignited something in us both and we're back to being flirty again and it's almost like those first few months when we first met.
It's been hard work with lots of tears on both sides but with lots of honest communication and taking the initiative rather than always waiting for him to make the first move, we're back on the same page.

[BreakupPending]

Thanks @Dustmotes

He's the one that's fallen out of love with me and has said he doesn't want much physically right now. I want to respect his needs but fear this distance will keep growing while I don't try something.

But thanks for some hope. Maybe something will start changing for the better. I'm trying to focus on positives and he's at least making couples counselling a priority and I think that is a good thing.

[Notworking123]

I really, really disliked my husband for a while. I wanted to leave him and felt disdain and annoyance whenever I was around him. I definitely did not fancy him. Now I think he's a raging hottie and I absolutely adore him. He's my best friend and I just want to be with him all the time. It can happen so don't give up hope.

[BreakupPending]

Thanks @Notworking123 good to hear another positive story.

I'm struggling with what to do right now, especially being the one whose feelings haven't changed.

[Faerysmoke]

I haven't read it but it might be worth checking out Esther Perel's book Mating in Captivity. I've just finished her book on infidelity and it's the best thing I've read this year hands down so I'm sure her other book is great too.

[HCHY4]

I would listen to him to be honest. I think when a man says that to you then he means it. I would say it’s over.

[nonsenceagain]

He's annoyed that you didn't make him feel wanted while you were trying to come to terms with with being raped in the past? That's truly appalling.

I'm really sorry for all that you've been through and are going through now, but he should be the one begging for forgiveness and another chance.

[BreakupPending]

He's annoyed that you didn't make him feel wanted while you were trying to come to terms with with being raped in the past? That's truly appalling.

He was also dealing with grief. Someone very close to him passed away just after Christmas. It was a shock to both of us and he didn't deal very well with it. It didn't help that I didn't tell him what was going on in my head, so by the time I did, it may have just been a little too late. We have both definitely handled things badly and we have both owned up to what we've done badly.

Thanks for the book suggestion Faery. I'll definitely check that out.

[ExitChasedByAnImposter]

It’s good to keep the doors of communication open. You were both going through grief and trauma so it’s natural to sometimes feel that drift. Do you think it’s too little to late? Does he?

Our communication is already better, but it's led to my husband telling me he doesn't love me anymore and isn't physically attracted to me.

Was this before or after you started marriage counselling? Even if he felt unsupported through his grief, and he was dealing with it badly, what he said was very hurtful and extremely selfish. I’m not sure how old you both are, but it seems like a very immature response. Surely he knew what you went through? May I ask how recent the incident was as you said you were reliving this traumatic incident? Did you also feel unsupported? I’m not sure why he’s focusing on how unwanted he felt when he should be trying to support you in getting the help you needed. I’m not sure what words were exchanged between the two of you, but since you both owned up to what you did badly, hopefully if you both feel that this can be salvaged then maybe you can move past this with a fresh start. I’d hope, he would go out of his way to reassure you that he didn’t mean what he said though.

[BreakupPending]

@ExitChasedByAnImposter

I don't think it's too late but I fear he might. We're both in our 30s but he has a bad habit of running from his problems. He admits that and that's why we both agreed a trial separation would be best with marriage counselling.

He told me he didn't love me before marriage counselling started. It wasn't in a hurry, mean way. He was very apologetic about it. But he also says he doesn't really know how he feels, which is where my doubt comes from. He also says he's scared this will happen again so he doesn't know if he wants to want me again.

We talk on the phone each night and we text during the day, and not just about the kids and dogs. And it's not just me insisting on this. He initiated the texts today and checks in with me that I want to talk last night.

Very mixed messages, right?

The rape happened 16 years ago and was never dealt with. I bottled it up, pretended it didn't happen, and mostly just tried to get on with my life. Wearing masks brought back a lot that I was running from to the point of not being able to handle it all.

I'm now seeing a therapist personally who specialises in trauma, PTSD etc and also in a sexual assault victims support group. Both of which are already helping me figure out what to do when the trauma comes back and hope to cope with my heightened anxiety.

There were initially heated words, but the anger has gone. We've both admitted that trust has gone but can be built back up and maybe that's where we start.

Sorry, that was longer than I thought. Just thanks for reading, 'listening,' and allowing me to share that.

[ExitChasedByAnImposter]

That must have been difficult I’m glad that you’re getting the help you need now. Have you brought up the trial separation with the marriage counsellor? It seems an odd combination trial separation and marriage counselling, he sounds confused like he doesn’t really know what he wants.

Hopefully if you both feel like this can be salvaged, you might not have exactly what you had before but it might be stronger after overcoming everything together. He does need to make up his mind because he seems to sending mixed messages.

[BreakupPending]

You've got it right on him not knowing what he wants. He admitted in the first counselling session that he's not sure whether we're the right fit or not. Now he's telling me he must feel something for agreeing to do all this when he thought he was finished and just wanted to co-parent but he's scared that we will just end up fighting again.

I get his fears. I have them too. I'm just appear to be more willing to take that risk right now. Maybe with time it will help.

Thanks again for listening and responding.

[ExitChasedByAnImposter]

The grass always appears greener on the other side. The fact he’s willing to go through marriage counseling says something and might help you both reconnect and maybe you can both explore your apprehensions in the counseling sessions and you and he can work on it from there? Hopefully the marriage counselor will be able to help you both and will give more insight and maybe some tips or things to work on together or separately as homework. If you both agree that your counseling sessions are somewhere you air things out and neither person take personally, maybe things can be talked about and dealt with instead of letting it fester which can lead to harboring resentment etc. Perhaps mentioning the trial separation to the counselor would him/her a better idea of what is at stake and they might give other options to try first.

[BreakupPending]

We'd already seen the marriage counsellor for two sessions, which did help us to communicate better. We brought up the mixed messages and lack of love tonight. It didn't take long for the counsellor to realize that both of us are going through a lot and need individual (not with him) help as well as couples' help and admits being apart for this might help with this.

I've already started mine. DH ismlookong at starting his this week.

This is more than just falling out of love. It makes more sense but it is scary not knowing if we're just no longer going to work after going through our individual therapy.

Just wanted to give that update with another thank you for the replies.

[BreakupPending]

Just as an update for anyone who is interested (and partly because writing it out here and getting some outside input helped, so thank you!)

It's been another month and we're still living separately and going through marriage counselling. My DH admitted recently that it's not just me he's struggling with. The only good thing in his life right now is the children. Maybe depression? I'm not sure.

He started therapy but doesn't like his therapist so is back to the beginning. I do fear he'll just give up but he knows of he doesn't get help from someone this is never going to change and the DC will be next. He has a habit of running when things get hard.

He's opened up more but there's still a block. He admitted he doesn't want me to give up yet because part of him thinks there is an "us" when he deals with his individual stuff.

Right now, I'm just trying to stay positive and work on my own stuff. My doctor asked me today if I want medication for my anxiety but is also happy with the progress I've made so far, so we're sticking with no medication for now. Will have a check in with him in three months to see if that changes, but still have my weekly therapy sessions.

I don't really know why I'm writing all this out. Maybe saying things to strangers will just help to stay focused. I can't mention some of this stuff to people who know me.

Thank you for anyone who is just reading a ramble of thoughts.

[DroopyDaff]

It’s often trotted out on here but could there be an OW?

It sounds like The Script to me and I’d hate to think you’re tying yourself in knots trying to work things out with him and also dealing with your rape with no support from him, while he’s making you feel like crap because you apparently didn’t give him your full attention while dealing with a terrible trauma and is telling you he doesn’t find you attractive or love you anymore. He sounds horrible I have to say .

[BreakupPending]

No OW. That one I do trust him on.

He didn't know the trauma to even know what I was dealing with. I didn't open up to him so how was he supposed to know? Now he does know, he feels terrible but it doesn't change his feelings at the moment. This is going much deeper than he just doesn't love me anymore.

Now that he does know and I'm working through it healthily, he is supportive. We've been getting along great the last few weeks. But without a crystal ball, I just don't know which way this will go. He's gone from definitely not wanting to be anywhere near me to wanting the marriage to work just not knowing how yet (that's what marriage counselling is for) in the last six weeks.

And I know that could sound like I'm stuck with blinders on but I'm not going to throw away a 12-year relationship if it just happens to be that we've both been through a lot of personal shit at the same time.

[DateXY]

@BreakupPending

No OW. That one I do trust him on.

He didn't know the trauma to even know what I was dealing with. I didn't open up to him so how was he supposed to know? Now he does know, he feels terrible but it doesn't change his feelings at the moment. This is going much deeper than he just doesn't love me anymore.

Now that he does know and I'm working through it healthily, he is supportive. We've been getting along great the last few weeks. But without a crystal ball, I just don't know which way this will go. He's gone from definitely not wanting to be anywhere near me to wanting the marriage to work just not knowing how yet (that's what marriage counselling is for) in the last six weeks.

And I know that could sound like I'm stuck with blinders on but I'm not going to throw away a 12-year relationship if it just happens to be that we've both been through a lot of personal shit at the same time.

@BreakupPending

Sorry to hear about your rape

From what you describe, I commend you for trying to work on things and recognising that any relationship needs work and exploring the underlying issues. Unfortunately a lot of posters on this forum love egging on other women to divorce when they encounter any sort of marital problem. I don't know why they enjoy families breaking up . Very unhealthy. These things take time, and problems don't resolve overnight. Sounds like you're both going through a lot and need time to reflect and heal. Make sure you look after yourself too and reach out to trusted family and/or friends for support.

[BreakupPending]

@DateXY I'm sorry to miss your message! I agree that a lot of people push for the end of the relationships on here without having all the information.

Thanks you, though. I don't have many people I trust enough to talk to. But I have my group therapy for sexual assault and rape survivors and I have an individual therapist and both of these have been so great.

[BreakupPending]

The latest update is after two months my DH has finally agreed to trying things my way. So far we've been doing things that only he felt comfortable doing and he ended up admitting that he's been waiting for feelings to come back. And he's been very focused on getting the urge to kiss me again and just waiting for that instead of compassionate love. Our marriage counselor brought up that my DH needs to take action to feel desire again. He can't just be a passive part in his emotions.

My way involves being a little more active in getting the feelings back. And we've also realized that while he says he feels nothing for me, he's got no problem feeling anger for me. We're going to try to get to the bottom of all the resentment both of us have for each other.

He admitted he's scared of this. He's scared of getting hurt. So that tells me there are good feelings all buried under fear and anger. I'm trying to hold onto that. He doesn't tend to listen to my ideas at the moment unless the marriage counselor also suggests it so I'm going to bring up love being a choice in therapy on Sunday and see how that goes.

My anxiety has been through the roof to the point of being overwhelming. DH keeps saying he wants to make the marriage work and then he gives into his flight response to fear.

I'm not interested in giving up on this right now when there are signs this can work and we can be stronger than ever. This is going deeper than things that have happened over the last few months.

[CraftyYankee]

In the meantime are you living apart? You have the kids and all the responsibility, while he gets his freedom?

I know this isn't the point of your post, but make sure you are taking care of your needs, not just his. Is he ever in charge of the house and children while you get a break? It might help him appreciate you more and do less navel gazing.

[BreakupPending]

@CraftyYankee
We have the kids 50/50. It's a good split while we're apart. We're working on spending more time together as a family at the weekends rather than the split we have been doing.

The thing is he's not looking at other women. He buries himself in work right now.

But yes, I'm making sure to find ways to look after me. It's not easy with my anxiety being so overwhelmingly high right now or with going through my PTSD work. But I do get that time.

[BreakupPending]

And it's over. I've ended it.

One week he wants to come back and we're on the track of getting things back, even to the point of him saying the L word. The next week he withdraws completely and barely talks to me. I'm suspecting a few things, and I'm honestly losing a lot of trust and love for him. We have both always agreed that an affair is the worst (outside of abuse) you can do in a relationship but some of his stories just aren't adding up and I feel like I'm being gaslit. I can't keep second guessing things and deserve to be with someone I can trust.

I told him last weekend it was over. He tried to talk me out of it because he says he does still love me now and his own therapy is helping him through his own stuff and we attended a booked marriage counselling session, but the topic of trust came up and I realized that I just have so little based on current actions that it's best this comes to an end. He got the last of his stuff today.

And honestly, I don't feel that sad or angry. There's relief, which is an odd feeling right now. Maybe it's relief that I get to move forward and figure out what's best for our DDs (the 8yo has said I seemed happier this week than I have done in a while), but part of me feels relief that I can stop giving everything to a man who doesn't make a lot of sense. I know people grow as they get older, but I don't recognize any of the man I married and fell in love with.

Thank you everyone for their flowers and support. I'm going to move forward.

[CraftyYankee]

Good luck OP. Good for you for taking control, you will feel so much better moving forward with certainty. 💐