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I can't work out of this is weird or not?!

21 replies

Gobolino80 · 11/04/2021 14:49

DP has a best friend who lives about an hour away from us. We'll call him Bob for the purposes of this story. Bob is mid 40's. He's very troubled soul, pretty sure there's some untreated mental health issue going on, he drinks a lot, his family members all have problems with addictions, both alcohol and drugs and he's distanced himself from them because of this.
DP and Bob have been best friends since they were both teenagers. For obvious reasons they've not seen each other much recently apart from a garden meet up once last summer and again last weekend. Bob has a girlfriend of approx 18 months, DP has met her twice the second time being last weekend when he was chatting in their garden for a couple of hours the first for the very brief garden meet up last summer. DP didn't know her before she got together with Bob.
Not long after DP got home last weekend, Bob's girlfriend had messaged DP to say that she and Bob had argued and Bob had gone off angrily to his family home which she was worried about because it's a toxic environment. There's been some conflict at home with Bob's girlfriends teenage children and and Bob was struggling trying to manage that. DP was worried about Bob, he knows he's fragile and was worried about him getting caught up in the family environment given its full of drugs and booze. He's always been very protective of Bob, he he pointed out that Bob's a grown up and can make his own decisions.
DP called Bob's girlfriend they had a quick chat and DP kept up text contact with Bob throughout the day. When Bob eventually went home it was all played down, he said he just needed a bit of space, didn't have anywhere else to go, realised that 'home' was bloody awful and he was glad to be back to his girlfriend.
I thought it odd that Bob's girlfriend contacted DP, they really don't know each other and I wasn't sure what she expected DP to do for what essentially a pretty standard domestic argument.
Fast forward to this morning. DP told me that Bob's girlfriend had been on the phone again late last night (must have been gone 1.30am when I went to bed) to say that she and Bob had been arguing, DP called her again and tried to calm the situation. He seemed a bit baffled by it this morning, not really sure what she expected or wanted of him.
It feels weird to me?! Or maybe I'm being unfair? I wouldn't dream of contacting any of DP's friends if we'd had\were having an argument, let alone one who I'd only met briefly twice. I'd possibly contact his brother who he's extremely close to and I know very well, if I thought DP was a danger to himself or others. We've been together 7 years and no way would I contact Bob if the shoe was on the other foot. I'd be interested to know what others think. Maybe I'm overthinking it!

OP posts:
expectopelargonium · 11/04/2021 14:55

If I'd only met a friend's new partner twice in my life I wouldn't be automatically exchanging phone numbers straight away.

Who gave her your DP's number - Bob or your DP?

Gobolino80 · 11/04/2021 15:02

I don't actually know, I assumed she'd found him on social media and messaged him, but that's a good point I don't know how she had his contact details. I'm pretty sure that Bob wouldn't have given them to her.

OP posts:
whippitwoowoo · 11/04/2021 15:07

Look up drama triangle
I would try and put some boundaries in place to prevent this happening every 5 minutes.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/04/2021 15:14

The first time possibly could have been she was worried, but the second time makes it sound like she just loves drama and thinks thats what relationships are normally like.

Personally I'd bin off anyone who tried this shit with me, as a partner I mean. But sounds like Bob is happy with her... for now?

Amdone123 · 11/04/2021 15:17

You are not overthinking it at all. It's very strange. I'd sort it now ( tell your OH to speak to her, tell her it's inappropriate, etc), before it escalates. It would annoy me.

OliveToboogie · 11/04/2021 15:17

I agree with others. She needs to respect ppls boundaries. She is being unfair and inappropriate. DP and Bob need to tell her to back off. Or maybe she fancies you DH!!!

DinosaurDiana · 11/04/2021 15:19

I think she fancies your fella.

LawnFever · 11/04/2021 15:21

Yeah that is a but odd, if it was a one off I’d leave it but you don’t want this to become a habit that she’s calling your DP every time they have a disagreement, it’s not his responsibility to sort it out!

I’d get your DP to have a word with Bob and get him to tell her it’s a bit weird and stop involving him

StephenBelafonte · 11/04/2021 15:22

I agree I think she fancies him.

Am also puzzled as to how she has his phone number.

Bluedeblue · 11/04/2021 15:22

Sounds to me as though Bob's girlfriend likes your Partner. Chatting at 130am when you're in bed? Nah, that's weird.

WhoWants2Know · 11/04/2021 15:27

If she messages your partner with concerns, it would be more appropriate for him to check in with Bob, and not carry on a conversation with her.

Cockenspiel · 11/04/2021 15:30

Unless she is not neuro-typical and doesn’t comprehend regular boundaries, I’d probably think this was her trying to get close to your DH. She either fancies him and/or is a drama addict.

Cockenspiel · 11/04/2021 15:31

Also, what @WhoWants2Know said.

Why wouldn’t your DH just call Bob?

SummerHouse · 11/04/2021 15:37

I vote for drama addict. We had this for a time with DPs step mum. She seems to have a go too drama buddy and it was DP for a while. It's exhausting and perplexing. I am off to Google drama triangle...

cookiecreampie · 11/04/2021 15:37

It's weird. If I was your DH I'd just ignore her calls and not involve myself.

MsDogLady · 11/04/2021 15:42

She is trying to establish a Rescuer/Damsel dynamic with your Husband. This is a slippery slope that can lead to inappropriate closeness. He needs to disengage and set strong boundaries with her and only communicate with Bob from now on.

VenusTiger · 11/04/2021 15:57

I find it weird that she even has your DP's number tbh.
That aside, she's contacted the closest person in relation to Bob, who is DP - she's not likely to ask for advice on Bob or his mental wellbeing by contacting his family is she?
She obviously recognises the fact that your DP and Bob are like brothers, so she did what I might do, if I had no-one else to contact and I was worried about Bob - she seems caring and concerned enough to reach out.

Crimeismymiddlename · 11/04/2021 18:25

A drama Llama who fancies your husband. Get him to nip this in the bud now or you will have to put up with all sorts of dramatic behaviour.

EdinaMonsoon · 11/04/2021 18:59

I would say more likely to be a dramatic type rather than fancying your DP. He needs to establish firm boundaries asap. Had a similar experience with a friend’s partner a few years ago. She was up to all kinds - drinking, unstable, constant drama - and he seemed to latch onto myself & another friend & constantly messaged us, seeking advice. Mostly those messages were very late at night. He was expecting us to get heavily involved & support him as well as our friend. It was exhausting & in the end we both stopped responding to him.

litterbird · 11/04/2021 19:15

Oh, I have experienced this many moons ago. Drama from a woman who latched on to my then boyfriend at the time, always popping over to his house or calling him for relationship advise. She was very much the damsel in distress....major drama at every turn. Eventually he left me for her, they married very quickly and it turned sour even quicker. Turned out she was not mentally stable and had to be helped professionally. You need to ask how she got your partners number.

Onthedunes · 11/04/2021 19:27

Bob's girlfriend doesn't give a shit about Bob.

The probem is, will your husband take the bait?

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