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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating is like pulling teeth

22 replies

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 11/04/2021 12:27

Don't want to out myself but I'm part of a niche group where it's hard to find partners and there are not many of us.
So this guy on the facebook group exactly my age, my interests, and as it turns out only 10 miles away - a perfect on paper match so worth at least one date you would think.
Has been posting almost everyday bemoaning the fact there is nobody out there for him.
So I message and say hey why don't we meet up, I'm new to this area and it would be great to make new friends here. Nothing heavy to make him run for the hills. He hasn't seen a photo of me so it's not that.
He takes himself off the group and is never heard from again!!
What's with that? Why are single men so pathetic, this isn't the first time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 11/04/2021 12:29

It's a dating site so not just some random facebook group.

The last one in this vague area wanted to endlessly message and when I suggested meeting up just vanished into outer space.

OP posts:

Mintjulia · 11/04/2021 12:32

Quite a lot of men think they deserve girlfriends that are 'younger models'. Maybe that.

Most of them don't

Original poster

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 11/04/2021 12:35

You could well be right Mint, I'm going to send a pic of a 20 year old model next time

OP posts:

seensome · 11/04/2021 13:02

It's nothing to do with age and if he hasn't even seen your photo he can't possibly judge if he finds you attractive. If he was that actively trying to find a date, he would basically try harder despite him moaning about it, maybe it's his confidence that puts him off finding a date.
Maybe you should have more pictures of you to increase your chances?

Original poster

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 11/04/2021 15:07

I did get a reply check this out, bear in mind this guy knows nothing about me and hasn't seen a photo but is clearly assuming I'm a munter. He'd be wrong.

"Me...but I'm picky, and aesthically attracted.
But I've been alone so long, I don't think I'd make a good companion.
But I decided that I'm going to look beyond my immediate circle and area. I'm tired of settling for what, or who, is in the area, and available. I want to look for someone who checks more, or different boxes. To that end, I'm in an LDR with a woman in Philippines, and hope to meet her someday (if this pandemic
ever ends)
It would be my second visit."

Also bear in mind he is no oil painting, old with nasty grey stubble.
I need a great and short put down people, any ideas?

OP posts:

katy1213 · 11/04/2021 15:15

That's fine - completely understand and would hate to stand in the way of a woman who would marry you for your looks.

Itlod1982 · 11/04/2021 15:15

Sounds like a lucky escape OP!!!!
wouldn't take it personally at all!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/04/2021 15:18

"That's nice, dear"

Original poster

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 11/04/2021 15:18

I spat my coffee when I read that. Lucky escape indeed.
I send my picture when asked, I don't leave it up there all the time in case anyone from work sees it.

OP posts:

Ardvark111 · 11/04/2021 16:38

Mans pov here, most guys like the thrill of the chase and bottles it when a RL meet is mentioned,!! 😂 stop trying to hard when the time is right love / rship will find you...

JustAnotherOldMan · 11/04/2021 17:11

@Ardvark111

Mans pov here, most guys like the thrill of the chase and bottles it when a RL meet is mentioned,!! 😂 stop trying to hard when the time is right love / rship will find you...

Yep, meeting actual real women IRL is much more “real” then than just sending messages

Sandra15 · 11/04/2021 18:11

@Ardvark111

Mans pov here, most guys like the thrill of the chase and bottles it when a RL meet is mentioned,!! 😂 stop trying to hard when the time is right love / rship will find you...

Yes indeed! When I arranged to meet up with one (note this was not OLD, I had been speaking 'to him for my research and he started saying he had feelings) he hid inside his apartment and sent his friend to the door who said he (the friend) lived there and he didn't know the man I had been talking with. I knew who the friend was because I'd been sent photos of them together at a barbecue in the summer. He ghosted and ignored me since then.

Then he posts this on his married ex's Facebook page.

Happy birthday gorgeous
Looking fabulous as always
Have a fantastic day 💋

Bizarre.

Original poster

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 11/04/2021 18:12

Stop trying to hard when the time is right love / rship will find you...

Stop trying so hard!!!! This was on a dating site. What do you suggest? Set up a profile and ignore all messages and never send any.
I asked someone who put their profile on a dating site looking for a partner if they wanted to meet up in the most casual way possible. I didn't send him a pic of me naked and beg me to marry him for fucks sake.
What are you supposed to do on a dating site, please enlighten me. I will enjoy the mansplaining.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 11/04/2021 18:14

And relationships do not "find you" you have to work darned hard to meet anyone these days. You either have to go on dating sites or go out and that's not possible at the moment with covid.

OP posts:

Sandra15 · 11/04/2021 18:26

My post was agreeing with the previous poster about blokes liking the chase, not the last bit.

Ardvark111 · 11/04/2021 19:34

@shehasdiamondsinthesky. Jeez with a defensive attitude like that no wonder your single,!!! From what iv read here on MN Online dating is a minefield and thanks @sandra15 for seconding what i said re * thrill of the chase

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 11/04/2021 19:41

Well I'm single because too many men are like that ^^ and I don't like being mansplained to

There's all sorts of weird out there op. Looks like you found one. Lucky escape

CirclesWithinCircles · 11/04/2021 22:10

This is hilarious, its so bad! I had a cracker of one once. I arranged a date with him on POF (years ago before I met DH) and since we were both into cycling, we arranged to meet up to go for a cycle. He was very quiet when we met at the pre-arranged spot, nevertheless, we started cycling together. After a couple of silent miles, we headed up a very long steep hill, and he disappeared into the distance, never to be seen again. Didn't contact me on the site to apologies or anything, it was clearly deliberate.

That was bizarre enough, but we had quite a lot of mutual friends in common, and about 6 months later, he started turning up at some organised training events where he knew I would be. I completely blanked him, fortunately he got the message and stopped turning up!

Lampan · 11/04/2021 22:25

If it’s a dating site that you’re both on, maybe your lack of a picture is putting him off? I wouldn’t agree to meet (and probably wouldn’t even message someone) who had no photo on their profile. I understand your reasons for not having a picture up but the guys viewing your profile probably don’t and just skip onto the next one.

Sandra15 · 11/04/2021 22:37

@CirclesWithinCircles

What a weirdo!

averywittyusername · 12/04/2021 09:02

@Shehasadiamondinthesky I certainly don't think you did anything wrong and I have no investment, so to speak, in this situation but his reply to you has somehow made me irrationality furious, it sounds like he has an 'incel' attitude.. and to put you in your place by whining about local women and saying he's so hard done by that he's had to select a woman from the Philippines (out of a catalogue no doubt.. Ok I might be wrong and it's true love the poor woman) but in any case I would really be tempted to challenge him on this. This festering misogyny is not healthy in our society.

Best of luck to you in your search for a real, human connection.. not a man who wants to treat a woman like a subservient object!

DeadlyMedally · 12/04/2021 09:17

I assume people on dating sites with no picture are hiding something (usually that they are not very attractive).
Most people are nice enough and you're bit dating to find friends. If you message someone, it's presumably because you like their picture (because why would you even click on their profile in the first place), hut they should invest time in you sight unseen?
It just doesn't do you any favours.
If someone who knows you sees you in a dating site, it's because they're also on a dating site and probably doing the same as you. It is not weird to want to find a partner.

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