Should I give up?

[AprilFoolaround]

Ds is 6 and I've been single since being pregnant with him. His dad has a son from his marriage who is in his early 20s. We all live at opposite ends of the country. Gifts are sent at Christmas and birthdays but trying to communicate is like pulling teeth yet I've tried for the sake of ds. His brother's mum has always promoted a relationship between them although they have never met so it's been through presents and the odd card. They've spoken once on FaceTime. I keep in touch and send photos and general news. I always get a reply but the replies are very short and offer no chance for further conversation. He always sounds very negative and gloomy. They were due to meet before the pandemic hit but even once restrictions are lifted I can't see this happening. Ds has asked for phone calls but his brother has said he's busy with his gf. I know his brother from before my relationship with his dad and we got on well so it's not like he doesn't know me, and my relationship with his dad was 6 years after his parent's divorce. Distance is of course an issue to actually meeting but I get the impression he's not interested anyway and I feel protective of ds and don't want him to feel rejected. His dad doesn't have any contact with him and met him once as a baby. What would you do in this situation? Should I I just let it drift and continue with Christmas and birthday gifts and cards?

I would let it drift yes. It sounds like the brother is an adult, and so it’s down to him to do his part of facilitating contact if that’s what he wants. It seems from his actions that that isn’t a priority for him which is absolutely fair, and his choice to make.

I’d stop trying to force it, it must be difficult DS not having his dad in his life but his older brother is no substitute and frankly the more you try force it and the more DS is put in contact with an older male relative that isn’t enthusiastic about him the more he’ll notice and pick up on it which is more likely to lead to him feeling rejected.

Not all siblings get along or want to be in touch. I’d definitely keep sending xmas and birthday cards to keep some form of communication open, but leave it at that. If he wants to have that relationship he will be in touch.

You’re doing a lot here and it’s not all within your control or your purview so to speak, there’s another adult who has just as much responsibility as you if he wants to be involved and he’s making his own priorities at the moment clear. At least you know you’ve tried your best.

Thank you. Yes, he is an adult so it's up to him. I've done what I can.

I'm afraid the age difference is too great. In reality one brother is still a child while the other now an adult with a gf and his own life. I'm afraid you have done all you can. It looks like older brother has different priorities now. Let it drift and try and gently prepare your son for the fact he probably won't have his sb in his life.

It's only in the past 18 months that his brother has decided he wants to meet him. Before then he was reluctant as his dad has been negative about me and ds but since leaving home he's been in independent contact so it's tricky to do what's best for ds as he's very proud to have a big brother. It just gets to me sometimes.