Obstructive parent - advice sought

[MrsCaplan]

Advice please! My DDs BFFs Mum is rude, cold and obstructive. Example: left us waiting an hour in the cold/rain at NT gardens without apology, explanation, or even a friendly hello upon (eventual) arrival. Worse: sent a declaration of intent text much earlier, when there was still oodles of time to get ready, saying "I have to be honest, we're never on time." Big, fat lie. ALWAYS punctual for people she deems useful/important/worthy of respect. She is wealthy. We are very ordinary. May be relevant? Can't be sure. (I had to get there on time because of the pre-booked parking slot).

DD was v cold and v sad. BFF also v v sad that they'd lost an hour. (They attend different schools; playdates are extra precious, esp. since Covid.) I'm a warm, kind, friendly person, always lovely to them both. But she makes it so difficult for the girls to connect. It's heart-breaking. The girls adore each other. They literally pine! They've resorted to letter-writing since the Mum makes it so hard to meet up. Neither have phones yet (aged 9 and 10; bit too young).

Any ideas? I'm a softy and crap at assertiveness. And boy, does this Mum know it. Please help me to help DD hang on to her lovely BFF somehow! I suspect some of the frostiness is because DD is a boffin (we never mention it but her DD has a lot - calls my DD a genius, fondly) and this lady is hugely, hugely competitive. She doesn't want to drop us (she would have no qualms about cancelling us!), but wants to keep us dangling, desperate and under her complete control. Gah.

Thanks so much in advance.

I think you're very over invested in this. You'd have been better off to explore the gardens with DD and make light of her friend arriving late. This woman only has power over you because you're so fixated on her and her daughter. I'd just invite the girl over to your house in future keep it light hearted and a kids play date not a family day out. I'd bet she's not given any of this a moments thought.
I'd also invest time in strengthening your dds resilience, being v sad because a friend is an hour late and pining for a friend are very over the top, if I was the other girls mother I'd be discouraging such an intense friendship.

Thanks, Kate, Helpful to hear another viewpoint.

Unfortunately if I just 'invite her over', the Mum pisses about and is too busy etc. The day out was the only thing she was prepared to do. All has to be on her terms. The kids are extremely fond of each other (her kid's probably more keen on mine, truth be told). If they were at the same school, I would also have concerns about intensity. But thanks anyway.

Oh, and of COURSE I made light of the lateness and explored the gardens. I always do. But DD knew what time they were due, and due to the Mum's past form, started to worry.

Suggest another day out but offer to take the child as a playmate for DD. Pick her up on the way so you don't have to wait around.

Honestly, stop pandering to people like this.

If her dd wants a friendship with yours, she can nag her dm to make the effort. Keep inviting BFF etc, but state clearly what is planned and if they get there late, carry on without them and if you’ve had your fill of whatever’s on the agenda and they still haven’t appeared, then just leave.

Never make anyone a priority who only ever sees you as an option

This dm is getting off on the power of having you on the hook

Fuck it, fuck her and show your dd that you’re nobody’s chump

Invite on your terms and make it clear to her you won’t wait

Thanks, folks. You are absolutely right. I am pandering. (In my mind, I was trying to 'facilitate', and also failing to wrap my head around why people are mean = pointless!). But it is pandering. Pure and simple. Thank you!

I have a friend who has a similar ish situation

It’s been really awful to watch her turn herself inside out for someone who really doesn’t give a shit about her or her dc- the last time the dc went there she was treated so badly, but friend just said just enough to communicate her displeasure and vowed never to let dc alone there again.

So make your plans, go at the time you say, if she’s not there, leave. Carry on with your programme.

Every. Single. Time.

Don’t let her ruin another day with your dd.

It will teach your dd a valuable lesson in valuing herself - and you her mother, and she won’t put up with this crappy treatment in the future

In answer to your question why are people so mean?

People treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

You’ve had your eyes opened today, looking forward to see how you manage this going forward

Good luck

Encourage your daughter to have friends in her school, take them out and invest your time in those who value it. It’s an important lesson for your daughter

Very wise words - I really appreciate your thoughts. Thank you. I felt I had to accept crappy treatment in order to safeguard a friendship that DD considers to be precious. But it is equally important that DD doesn't see me being treated as a doormat. Lots of food for thought. Thank you.

@user1471462428

Encourage your daughter to have friends in her school, take them out and invest your time in those who value it. It’s an important lesson for your daughter

This is exactly what I have encouraged my friend to do, it’s bloody hard atm with Covid restrictions etc, but it can be done

Gradually she’s making new connections with other mums and their dc and it’s great to see how she’s discovering what a good friendship feels like.

Some of us really struggle with female relationships and this whole raising kids thing becomes a minefield when you factor in the cliques, the politics and some of the crap that goes on

MzHz, you are so right. Thank you again for your help. I (clearly!) battle with self-esteem and so exclusively choose soppy, softy friends for myself. DD, however, is far more self-assured - hooray - and her pals mostly have very confident parents. The sort of folks that pre-kiddies I'd have steered clear of, to be blunt. Over-confidence, I can manage. Meanness/rudeness/game-playing is more of a challenge...

DD started a small, rural new school last year (in Year 4) with closed friendship groups. Hard, but not impossible, to break in. But today I've just given myself a much-needed kick up the bum and organised a play date with a girl from the new school. I CAN do this! Thank you.

You absolutely can and I’m so pleased for you!

Be brave, but be firm too! Well done you!