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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Strategies for dealing with my mother

5 replies

Sfgm · 11/04/2021 10:41

Hi, I'll try and keep this brief. I've always had a distant relationship with my mother. I didn't tell her my worries from an early age. I think this is because she used to ignore me. She certainly changed the subject easily when I talked to her about difficult things as an adult ( depression, suicidal thoughts, redundancy, problems with the children etc). She had an affair when I was 14 and moved out, leaving me to care for my suicidal father (he's still alive thankfully). I no longer talk to her about serious issues and I try to keep things trivial around her hobbies. I have had lots of counselling over the years to try and help my deal with her. It has helped. I have let her have a relationship with my kids who love her. This was perhaps a mistake but I can't go back in time. At the moment, I struggle with her as I neither love or like her, nor want to spend time with her or her husband. They are always together, so I don't see her on her own. She's still causing me stress, all these years later. I can't go no contact, as i can't hurt my kids. What can I do? Im literally annoyed by everywhere says or does, and it really upsets my mood and saps my energy.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 12/04/2021 03:40

Minimise contact. Less visits, less phone calls. The alternative is continuing to be wound up by your mum for years, and what's the point of that?

Classicbrunette · 12/04/2021 03:55

Just bear with it. I have similar relationship with my dad, but he can’t help who he is. Parents are gutted if they don’t see their kids or grandkids, and your kids will be gutted if they don’t see her. So just contact and see her when necessary.

custardbear · 12/04/2021 04:13

As above, also just emotionally disinvest too, you can just see her for your children like she's an ex partner seeing their children
Good luck

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/04/2021 06:23

How old are your children?. Are we talking teenagers or younger here. If your mother is too distant/difficult for you to deal with it’s actually the same deal for your children as well. It would also do then no favours for them to see you being treated like this by their man.

At the very least start cutting down on your interactions with her. It may be an idea also to have a look at the Stately Hines thread on these relationships pages

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/04/2021 06:26

You cannot and actually should not use your children here as a reason to keep in touch with your mother.

What are they like with them anyway?. Probably not too dissimilar as to how they were with you as a child. Neither have changed.

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