Finding closure

[Blue2262]

I was dumped in January after my GF of 1.5 years moved home abroad. Her family life is very dysfunctional and moving home was hard for her and probably still is. The plan was for her to apply for a visa back to the UK after covid. It was not an easy relationship and I did absolutely everything for her while she often treated me badly due to her mental health. After 2 weeks of moving back she out of the blue blocked me on everything for 3 days and when she unblocked me she text to say it was over. She wouldn’t speak to me over the phone and I said she owed me a conversation at least but she refused.

I immediately went no contact to try and salvage some dignity as the way she ended things was extremely traumatic for me. Who does that to someone after living with them for over a year? She messaged twice over a couple of weeks to ask me to post some stuff but she called me names and swore in the messages so I ignored. She blocked me on and off during the first month and I didn’t retaliate. She also deleted every photo of us off social media which I felt was dramatic. She then messaged “are you okay” but she deleted it before I replied. I didn’t respond. She then messaged my friend asking about me and then 2 weeks later messaged my housemate asking if I’m okay. Then last week she messaged the same “are you okay” to me and then phoned me half an hour later. I didn’t answer the call or reply to the text. She has also started watching the instagram stories of my ex GF before her - a little strange as they never met but she was always insecure about her - unfounded I should add. She doesn’t watch my stories and I have not watched hers but a mutual friend said she posts lots of memes about relationships.

I still miss her very much but at the same time I feel like I am owed an apology for the way I was discarded. I am not sure if I should have ignored the call as now I am wondering what she wanted to say so now I’m thinking about that! It was probably just breadcrumbing or an attempt to ease her guilt over how she treated me? It was 4.30am in her time zone so I figured she was likely intoxicated anyway when she phoned but the “what ifs” are now creeping in.

I feel I am going backwards and I’ve started dreaming about her regularly which I think indicates that all this is playing on my mind due to poor closure and I don’t know if I should swallow my pride and respond for the sake of letting go?

I honestly didn’t think I would ever hear from her again because she has been quite hurtful and due to the distance she could easily leave things now and move on with her life. A part of me still wants to be with her but the distance both physical and emotional just seems too much to overcome now - it’s not as if we can just meet up and talk - she’s on the other side of the planet and when I think about this I feel overwhelmed.

I don’t want to break no contact and end up in an argument or lose the position of self respect that I have created but I can’t stop thinking about it all and it’s doing my head in and I’m wondering if she will contact me again.

Does anyone have any advice that could help me move forward or does anyone want to take a punt on what her behaviour might indicate?

What an absolutely awful way to be treated. She sounds very immature, selfish and a bit unhinged (sorry).

Going through a breakup myself; I know how hard it is to turn off your feelings for someone even when you know they are being unreasonable or treating you less than you deserve. You love this person. But sometimes you don’t need closure. The only closure you need is the fact ended things and didn’t want to be together or make it work. Effort shows interest and there is nothing worse than being someone’s toy who they can pick up and throw away whenever it suits them. It’s demoralising and it affects your self esteem and confidence (I know this).

In hindsight what I should have done, and everyone told me to do so, and I didn’t, and now wish I did was to block your ex, on everything, including WhatsApp. Prevent her from contacting you because she lost the right to know what you are doing and how you are when she treated you so badly. You work so hard on yourself then suddenly out of the blue they pop back up and ruin all your progress and then you spiral. Look at the relationship objectively rather than with rose tinted glasses. She is breadcrumbing you. My ex did the same, he wanted to talk after 8 weeks, and I wanted to more than anything but out of self respect for how he treated me I had to move on. I told him no, and within two days he was on Tinder. Block her and move on

Her behaviour indicates that she is a toxic mess and someone to be avoided in relationship terms. If a possible reunion turned on whether or not you answered a text sent in the middle of the night, then again that’s an indication that a relationship with her would be hopelessly unstable and toxic. So you can stop torturing yourself with “what ifs”. She’s bad news in a relationship. That’s all you need to know.

As for closure - often the only real healer is time. IME there’s no one moment where everything falls into place and you suddenly feel completely comfortable with how a relationship ended. Relationship endings are often messy because feelings can be very messy. Life is full of loose ends but you move forward and the loose threads which you have left in relation to her will over time become less significant to you. You will spend less and less time looking back at her and your relationship and more time looking forward. And in due course, someone else will become more important to you.

Just one thing: from what you describe of your relationship, do you think you might have “rescuer” tendencies? If so, you might find you attract dysfunctional people (functional people don’t tend to need rescuing) and that could have an impact on you and your ability to form stable relationships. Just a thought.

Block block block. Unfriend her friends on SM. Consider coming of SM for a while. You’ve been treated v badly and she is still trying to keep you unbalanced - she wants to know if she still has power over you - it’s a power trip for her. Pack up all her belongings - every single one of them and send them to her. This sounds very harsh, but it’s like ripping off a plaster and the sooner she is not in your life in any form, the sooner you will heal.

No wonder you are thinking about her if she keeps on with this irritating "are you OK" drama. Sounds like she hopes you are really upset?! Or maybe trying to keep you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out as great as she thought with her new partner? I'd block her and ask my friends not to let me know if she was contacting them.

In every relationship, each party will have a different version of what happened. Even if she told you her version, you'd probably disagree with it. Your version of what happened is truth enough for you.

She blocked me on and off during the first month and I didn’t retaliate.
Blocking wouldn't be "retaliation", it would be pragmatically putting a stop to the drama.

We think we need closure as if we have more information we can then make sense of it. We also think we need and apology and acknowledgment from them of how they treat us.
Their reasons will NEVER follow our logic. Even if they spoke to you about what went wrong, you will not be satisfied because it doesn’t line up with your interpretation of reality.

Your thoughts are creating all of these feelings. Stop believing them. You need to accept reality, it couldn’t have happened another way. Then and only then will you find closure.

Closure can only come from you.

Well done on keeping up the no contact and not falling for her BS.

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Thank you everyone for your comments. It really helps when strangers are able to talk straight and call out her behaviours by unemotionally offering advice. I clearly need to reframe my story so that I am no longer the victim and I am instead able to tell myself that I am lucky that this has happened to me. Best wishes to all of you.

You are soooo lucky this has happened to you! There is a lovely woman in this world who will adore and love you.

She is toying with you to see if she can still get a reaction. As you quite rightly say you have retained your dignity - please don’t have a moment of weakness as that is what she wants. Once she’s had her fix of ‘he still wants me’ she will go back to ignoring you again. You are better than this. Avoid bitches in the future and look for an equal partnership.

Block her and find your own closure ! She’s seeming to be looking for attention . Blocking , unblocking , deleting messages , phone calls . She wants you to chase her . I think you need to take yourself off this merry go round of attention she’s craving .