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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Breakup 2 months ago but feeling at my lowest only now

17 replies

Teatimes2 · 11/04/2021 10:04

I posted before about how my boyfriend of almost 5 years told me he'd never loved me but only when I asked him. I am 2 months on now but still thinking about things all the time. I'd a few days off work recently and it didn't do me any good as I was stuck ruminating again, then last night dreamt about him. I spent most of yesterday in bed. It's not that I want him back, because I wouldn't even if he begged me, but how long more before he's out of my head?

OP posts:
Mytym · 11/04/2021 10:23

Wish I knew the answers SadFlowers

Woodlandbelle · 11/04/2021 10:24

It will get better. You deserve so much more. At least you are not living a lie with him. Let yourself wallow and be kind to yourself. Time is the only thing that will heal and let you move on.

Apricot10 · 11/04/2021 10:35

It really does take time. I am 18 months on from DH leaving for OW and I am still struggling. I think the whole Covid thing doesn't help as life is not exactly normal and has been on hold, so I think that puts things like moving on and forward on hold a bit.
2 months is still very early, give yourself time but try not to wallow too much try not to focus on questions you may never get answers to. Get up showered and dressed even if that's all you do.
It is horrible, it will get better in time.Flowers

chickenninja · 11/04/2021 11:19

I once read somewhere that it takes one month to get over them for every year you were together. So 5 months in your case. But I believe heartbreak is similar to grief which comes on like waves. The start is like a tsunami and some days will be still but then a big wave will come along and knock you over. But it will be calm again just hang in there.

Original poster
Teatimes2 · 11/04/2021 11:38

Thanks all. My main issue at the moment is imagining him with someone else, as well as missing him. It's also actually put me right off getting involved with someone in the future, that a person could be so cold after so many years together.

OP posts:
CrispsnDips · 11/04/2021 14:01

Bless you, I really feel for you ...take lots of care of yourself whilst going through the grieving process. Bubble baths, walks in the countryside - whatever you feel is your “thing” and can help you. It’s perfectly natural to go through this “down” time when a relationship ends...you have been badly hurt and you need time to heal. It can make you feel like a broken vase with shattered pieces which need putting back together again.

You will get there...

Sending hugs and 🌺🌺

Wanderlusto · 11/04/2021 14:16

I don't know what kind of person could say that to someone after 5 years. He is a right icy git and you're lucky to be rid of him.

I think life just goes on and one day there will come a day where you realise you havent thought of him in a few days... and thatll sting. And then another day will come when you realise it's been a few weeks and that will sting too. But then itll start to happen regularly and the stinging realisation will just become a sort of... empty sadness.

And eventually you hardly ever think of them. And when you do one day, you realise the sadness just isn't there anymore.

Might take a year or so...

Pity them being a wanker doesnt make it any easier. But you'll get there. And it does get easier.

Wanderlusto · 11/04/2021 14:18

Oh and, ps, getting angry at what a shit they are helps!

GreenWillow · 11/04/2021 15:01

@Wanderlusto

Oh and, ps, getting angry at what a shit they are helps!
This is quite an unfair comment IMO.

Anyone is allowed to end a relationship, at any time and for any reason, this is advice often given to women in this board so it’s disappointing to see such a double standard.

He no longer wants to be in a relationship with op, so ending it was the right thing to do. It was never going to be pretty, but to call him a shit for doing so is unreasonable.

I’m sorry you’re struggling op, we’ve all been there and it’s awful.

It does get better with time though Flowers

OliveToboogie · 11/04/2021 15:21

(((((. )))) hugs from Glasgow. Covid restrictions not helping anyone. Hopefully once we get out of lock down and summer approach you will have time to get out and about. Time is truly a great healer but by God it hurts.

Wanderlusto · 11/04/2021 15:25

@GreenWillow

It's not about the breaking up with her- he told her he had never loved her! Which us just cruel and unnecessary. Stop reading double standards into things that arent there. If he had been a woman and the op a man it still wouldnt be an ok way to break up with someone like that.

Original poster
Teatimes2 · 11/04/2021 16:50

Yes, I could understand if he'd told me he'd fallen out of love with me, but he said he'd never been in love with me for almost 5 years, that's what hurts the most. I feel he strung me along when, as he admitted himself, he should have spoken to me a lot sooner, not me asking him how he felt.

OP posts:
GreenWillow · 13/04/2021 12:20

[quote Wanderlusto]@GreenWillow

It's not about the breaking up with her- he told her he had never loved her! Which us just cruel and unnecessary. Stop reading double standards into things that arent there. If he had been a woman and the op a man it still wouldnt be an ok way to break up with someone like that.[/quote]
Breaking up is always difficult.

He doesn’t seems to have cheated, or otherwise engaged in cruel behaviour. He could perhaps have chosen his words better, but to call him a shit isn’t on.

Let’s save that for the domestic abusers, deadbeat dads, men with multiple families on the go...etc.....heaven knows there are enough of them to go around.

Wanderlusto · 13/04/2021 12:50

I think someone who feels the need to break up with someone after 5 years with 'I've never loved you' 100% deserves the title of 'a shit'. Just because there are worse people out there doesnt mean he doesnt qualify. It isnt the shit Olympics. He doesnt need to win top prize.

GreenWillow · 13/04/2021 13:16

Do you have a list of acceptable break up phrases? Only people who choose one of these are not ‘shits’?

Attitudes like this are one of the reasons for the rise of ghosting/break up by text IMO.

There is no good way of telling someone you no longer wish to be in a relationship with them, so a lot of people just avoid the whole messy business and ghost. (which does edge much close to ‘shit’ territory IMO)

He had the conversation, face to face, told op why, surely that’s acceptable breakup conduct? The fact that the reason must have been difficult to hear isn’t a good reason for not saying it.

Original poster
Teatimes2 · 13/04/2021 13:39

He told me over the phone, not of his own volition, when I asked him how he felt about us because he never talks about emotions and feelings and I felt like I wasn't a priority to him, and this is when he said this is how he'd always felt. The weekend before he was talking about going away for a bit this summer. I told him I'd felt used, discarded, and was only a convenience. That's why I'm so devastated. I was strung along and believe I would have continued to be so. So in the end I too believe he wasn't a nice person to do this.

OP posts:
GreenWillow · 13/04/2021 13:59

What would you have preferred him to do in that moment though?

He can’t at that point turn back the clock and have told you sooner, he maybe hadn’t realised until then.

I’m sorry you’re hurting though OP, we’ve all been there.

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