I've realised that I'm a giver..

[needaholidaybadly]

But it's beginning to grate ... even on me.
I don't understand why I'm like this so trying to work it out before I end up being a doormat.
I seem to be always cooking( which I love) for my boyfriend(early 40's) picking up
Up things I know he'd like , over generous with my time, gifts even sexually.
He is also very thoughtful and generous but not at the same level
As me. Sometimes it feels like a competition . We are both givers.
Maybe we are in the rut of... He got me 'this' so I Must return the thought.
I Do not put My needs last at all but I enjoy mothering him almost.
I want to stop this as we want to be each other's partners in the future, not parents.

For context, I was left by my husband of years for an ow, quite suddenly and while I know he did me a massive favour , I was still reeling for some time.
I am Well and truly over him and hadn't loved him for years.

Any experience with this ? It's. It not my personality at all to be like this. It seems to be a new aspect to my personality .
Again maybe for context, I spent
Many years in my
Marriage being a domestic slave to my exh to try to keep the peace .
I've no reason to do this in my relationship.
It is loving and equal and harmonious and I feel very appreciated . It's like a desire to want to please him/ us.
Thanks

Can anyone give me an idea of what's going on here please ?

Your past has made you like this and you think you have to do all the things you do to keep your partner but you don't.
He should like you for you and not the things you do for him.

Matching his effort is the way to go. He doesn't sound like a giver.

I'm concerned you are doing sexual things just to please him, obviously there should be give and take but you should never do anything you don't want to do.

I would take a step back, why are you so free with your time?
Fill your life with things for you and then see where your partner fits in.

Do you live together?

If you consider yourself to be a ‘giver’ but feel resentful about it, then stop. If you can accept that you’re a ‘giver’ and continue to do so without conditions of reciprocal action, embrace it and smile. Can you think of any other alternative?

Resentment is a terribly pernicious emotion though so I would advise against that.

I really don't resent it at all, any of it .
I love to please and get as much enjoyment from giving , probably more so than receiving
It gives me pleasure.
Sexually I feel liberated and again get. Much enjoyment from
Giving . He is a generous lover .
We don't live together , only see each other eow and a day during the alternate week. It's fresh, exciting and we can't wait to be together .
I think I need to be less available although that feels like a game but I am fiercely independent too .
You are right that perhaps I feel I need to do these things to keep a partner happy. I certainly did that for years on my marriage.
Perhaps I need to unlearn these behaviours .
Thanks for your thoughts pps.

Can I ask @SortingItOut why you think he is not a giver from my post ?Trying to really absorb your post as it makes sense .
He is a giver but I know I am
Ott.

In a relationship we like to please our partners and as long as you are happy doing that what's the problem?

The sexual thing sounds fine, your first post alluded to him being coercive but actually it sounds like you're experimenting sexually and enjoying it.

If you only see him EOW and a day in the other week how can you be less available?
Do you phone and message constantly?

Are you cooking at his house or just when he comes to yours?

I think the issue is that you like mothering him, you should be equal partners and not his mother otherwise you will fall into the parent-child relationship

@needaholidaybadly From your original post it sounds like he is a taker and is only giving because you are.

If you are a giver you would not allow anyone to give more than you do.

Can you give an example of why it seems its a competition?

Are you buying each other gifts every time you see each other?

Thanks. I suppose I love to cook and am
Generous financially plus I'm in a better financial position than he is at the moment but not too much. We are always buying each other small tokens that we know each other would like .
I really don't want to go down
The road of being a mother figure in that domestic way and I am never like that in his home . I don't clean or help him that way . I cook mostly for my own enjoyment but now it's become our ' habit'.

Sexually I'm in a stage of rebirth(!) after years of coercion and a horrible marriage . I have a bigger sexual appetite than he does but I feel I'm making up for years of being ' frozen' emotionally and otherwise . He is getting those benefits I guess but it's me who is actually getting so much pleasure from the receiving but also the giving .

Could you try cooking something together one evening? Might be fun.

• We don't live together , only see each other eow and a day during the alternate week.... I think I need to be less available*

Less available? You’re hardly seeing each other as it is...

Laura Doyle is good on this. Her latest book is all about learning to receive rather than give. Keeping your own life and interests, making yourself happy, cherishing YOU, etc.

Why are you worried about this now - what triggered you to write your post? Has a friend told you that you’re doing too much?

Cooking all the time is not great even if you love cooking.
If you don't alternate houses I would alternate who is cooking.

When you say you are generous financially do you mean you give him money or is it just in the form of gifts?

I had a sexual revolution when I split from my husband so I do understand that bit.

@needaholidaybadly

Thanks. I suppose I love to cook and am Generous financially plus I'm in a better financial position than he is at the moment but not too much. We are always buying each other small tokens that we know each other would like . I really don't want to go down The road of being a mother figure in that domestic way and I am never like that in his home . I don't clean or help him that way . I cook mostly for my own enjoyment but now it's become our ' habit'.

Sexually I'm in a stage of rebirth(!) after years of coercion and a horrible marriage . I have a bigger sexual appetite than he does but I feel I'm making up for years of being ' frozen' emotionally and otherwise . He is getting those benefits I guess but it's me who is actually getting so much pleasure from the receiving but also the giving .

So what’s the problem?

Cross post there @SortingItOut .
Yes we exchange a token every time we see each other . A candle/ wine/ chocolate .. not thing very expensive but we do visit each other's houses so tend not to arrive empty handed .
It seems
Like a competition because if he gets me something or vice versa , I'm very fast to return the compliment and so is he .
I much prefer to give in general but am afraid of being made a fool of again so there is that too.
I love to receive and am gracious when receiving .
What spurred me to write this , is that after last weekend, I realised that I had spent the majority ' giving' and I could sense his frustration that I wouldn't accept payment for shopping etc or maybe that he was uncomfortable with me proving the food / wine/ coffees etc. He has said this a few times that I need to start accepting help and contributions to the basics that we get . I'm not comfortable accepting money , especially a few pounds here and there for basics .
What the hell is wrong with me ?

I think we are very similar, in my marriage I gave more than I received and I recognise I was taken advantage of.

In my new relationship I don't want to be seen as poor or taking advantage so I want to go halves on everything or even pay for it all.

I have got better now and I do let my boyfriend pay for the occasional takeaway at my house.

At my house I cook and provide everything, at his he does the same but on a Friday (extra night at mine) I either cook something easy or we get takeaway.
If its a cheap takeaway I pay and if its not we go halves or sometimes he pays in full if he really wants it and I dont.

You paying all the time will make him feel bad, you cant give all the time, feel resentful and then when he offers money you refuse.

Why cant you alternate who pays?
Where do you meet? His? Yours? Alternate?

We do sound similar@SortingItOut !
We alternate houses mostly.we always are prepared for the other visit but if I'm not working on Friday, I may cook and bring it with me. Then he will pay for a take away which I'm not comfortable with really. I do t like accepting money from him or anyone else.
We will See each other next weekend and I'm Going to plan it in terms of balancing out our contributions . It sounds pathetic but I know in the past , my generosity was abused and unappreciated after the. I don't want this to happen me
Again . We have our habits eg I cook/ he cleans ..
intimately , he always gives first and is slow and generous in that area .
He seems very in tune emotionally so if I feel I've ' given ' enough or a little too much in any given situation , I pull back a little and he steps up. That seems to be our dynamic .
I'm Afraid of being fucked over again I guess and being a fool for someone who doesn't appreciate me .

I found it hard for a long time that my boyfriend paid for things or even cooked for me when I went to his. I just wasn't used to it.

I have got so much better and relish the night I go to his, I look forward to someone else cooking for me.

I am wary of being taken advantage of too but I'm embracing the relationship and trying to get better at receiving.

Your relationship sounds a bit unhealthy with the pulling back so he gives more.

Have you had counselling since your marriage ended?

I really think you need to allow him to give and you need to graciously receive no matter how uncomfortable it feels.

Imagine the roles reversed and how it would make you feel if he gave all the time and then he refused to accept money towards things.

You are almost forcing him to take advantage of you because that dynamic makes you feel comfortable.

I wonder whether instead of questioning yourself in this relationship, you could focus on yourself outside the relationship? Are you doing what fulfills you in other areas of your life? Are you hanging in there till next time you see him, because that's the main enjoyment in your life?

For me, developing myself into an independent, fulfilled person was what made my marriage work. For me, if your life is about the other person it becomes easily unbalanced- you are very dependent on them and their behaviour, needs, actions. Being 'with' someone should add something extra to your life rather than being the main thing in it.

Does that make any sense?

It does @picklemewalnuts . I have a busy and fulfilled life but i guess that because we are each other's support bubble, we don't meet anyone else at the moment . We both look forward to restrictions lifting so we can have time With our friends and family separately and together .
He really Adds to my life, he is the sole Focus of my Social life at the moment and I've been so glad that we've had each other as we have found restrictions hard ... he lives alone and I'm on my
Own As an adult in my
Home but as far as my life outside my kids at the moment , he and I only see each other apart from our work .

These times are so far from normal! I would park your thoughts for a few weeks and see what life looks like outside lockdown.
It's something to stay aware of, so check in with yourself at intervals and see whether there's a bit of imbalance creeping in or whether actually, it's just fine.

Also, life isn't in stasis, it fluctuates all the time. You will cycle in and out of situations that impact your responses.

When my dad was ill, it took up all my outward focus and concern. My family had to start looking out for each other and for me, as I was all used up elsewhere.

So maybe this is how you feel right now, but next month you may have a work emergency that sucks up all your time and attention and he looks after you more.

We alternate houses mostly.we always are prepared for the other visit but if I'm not working on Friday, I may cook and bring it with me.

Why do you cook if you're going to his house? Not being horrible, honestly just asking!

I sometimes do "nice" things like that for secretly/unconsciously "not actually nice" reasons, like I want to control what we eat, or I want to dazzle someone with my badass cooking skills.

Please remember there is fun in providing and giving to someone you really like - don't deny him that fun! When we were dating, my DH used to bring a massive bag of ingredients to my house and cook us dinner. It was bloody bliss. He enjoyed doing it, and I loved him doing it. I never asked him to, he did it because he wanted to. If I'd cooked every time, or tried to pay him, he would've been quite deflated. It would've changed from a generous act of generosity on his part, into a chore (if I'd paid).

I once bumped into a married couple at a school fete. The husband turned to his wife and presented her with something sweet he'd just bought her. She said thanks then immediately RAN to a different stall to hastily buy him something back. It was weird. It didn't look loving, it looked like she was stressed at the thought of being indebted to him.

I'd do less if he's asking you to do less. Let him be generous, he clearly wants to.