Anyone else’s childhood messed up their relationships Trigger Warning

[Hadtonamechangeforthis21]

Had to name change for this, regular poster but tied to other posts could be outing.

Looking back I had a very traumatic childhood and as the years have gone by it only seems to affect me more. This has been heightened by lockdown and having no distractions. Memories have surfaced that I had buried and struggling to come to terms with what they mean.

Basically my father was very abusive, he would beat my mother to a pulp and smash up the house regularly. All whilst myself and my siblings were at home. I constantly carried the worry of not only sitting listening to the ordeal but when he would next kick off and how much damage would be done. I look at my little one now and I cannot imagine them having to deal with such trauma so regularly.

I was encouraged to lie from a very young age, about how my mum hurt herself and the type of man my father was. I still now as an adult find myself tempted to little about the smallest and insignificant things and I have no idea why.

As a partner I am cold, I am rarely interested in sex. I put this down to listening to my father force my mother in to it. I am trying to be better but at times I am just so snappy. I still feel constantly on edge, I will jump at the slightest noise and after all these years it’s exhausting.

I guess I am just looking for advice, I am looking in to therapy but I am also worried about what I will uncover and if I can deal with more and more memories coming back. Does anyone have any other advice? I am tired of feeling this way and find it very difficult to talk about this in person to anyone I am close to.

I read your post with a tear in my eye. I can relate to alot of what you have written, I too grew up with violence in my home and abuse of varying natures. I am now in my mid forties, married and with two young children. I find life is hard even though on the face of it I/my husband and I are successful, have lovely children, a nice home etc... I put much of this down to my sad and difficult childhood. It's as though I had no happiness within me as a child and as an adult it is so difficult to feel joy and happiness. Don't want to derail your thread so to specifically give you some advice, I have gone down the therapy route many times. I have seen different types of therapists, explored scheme therapy, pyschodynamic thereapy and am currently trying to find an EMDR therapist to see if that helps in any way. In total I have seen 4 different therapists over a span of something like 25 years. Do i think it was worth it? Yes without a doubt. I found it very helpful to talk about things I had kept within for a long time. It helped me go some way to accepting my childhood, explore it which I think is a healthy thing to do however, it has not healed me. I am now sure anything will to be honest but I do know that I would probably not be here were it not for those interventions. At times (when triggered) I am still raw inside and can be very anxious. I am currently a SAHM which in hindsight I should not have been as like you, have struggled hugely with lack of distraction. When I was working I was much happier but since being at home with my two children I have definitely felt weak mentally as i dwell on my sad/lonely feelings. I am looking to get back into work in the next year which I hope will bring me some respite . I too struggle with relationships. There is little to no trust there, not because of DH but because of me. It's caused huge issues between us. I find it hard to love because I don't trust. The anxiety that I have means I have to control everything otherwise I feel like the world it ending. It's a daily battle to let my DH and kids personalities not be affected by my inner world. I am an anxious person, always on the look out for danger. I have to be very self aware so as to not lash out verbally to DH when he does something that triggers me. I have started to explore some medical research on trauma (see the book 'The Body Keeps the Score', it's a fantastic book, can't recommend it enough and I am learning alot from it. Your childhood was traumatic, like mine. I am hoping it will help me further) in addition to attachment theory as this is part of the problem too. I am hoping that these t wo angles will help me heal further. I think it is a continual process, like a journey. I'm not sure it has a final destination but happy to be proven wrong by any subsequent posters. I hope someone will come along shortly with some advice that might be a bit more positive than mine! Its shit that we have to deal with these awful memories, can't tell you how many times I have wished that I didn't and could just get on with living my life. Hang on in there and thinking of you

@FluffyMcWuffy thank you for your reply. I am sorry that you can relate to my post and also experienced trauma as a child. It does help to know that I’m not alone though. I think in “real life” the few people I have ever opened up to just cannot relate and you start to wonder if you are just broken.

I am mid thirties and like you from the outside looking in we have a nice life. My issues over time though have only got worse despite me hoping they would improve and I think now is the time to tackle them head on. Which is daunting in itself.

I too rely largely on control, I don’t like change. A set routine makes me feel somewhat safe although like you, I am always on the lookout for danger.

Your advice was just what I needed to hear, I’m sure therapy won’t heal me. I will still carry the pain but it will help and right now I could use a little help processing things. Thank you 💐

So sad how many of us there are out there. EMDR therapy was life changing for me. You don’t have to go into the details of the past, it reprograms your mental pathways. I was trapped in fight or flight and constantly flooded with Adrenalin. Total change within 4/5 months. I couldn’t recommend it more.

Yep.

@Hadtonamechangeforthis21 I also nc as I would not be matched to my past.

I went through most of what you did too although an only child until 15 and then it was kind of worse as I felt I needed to protect the little one so started to try to stop the beatings happening.

Going to primary school pretending everything was great when I'd been awake all night listening to bearings or having spent the night with family after being woke in the middle of the night to get out.
My mum would disappear and I'd be taken on night drives out looking for her. Once she disappeared just before my birthday when I was 9 or 10.
My dad would take me to spy on her and make me promise not to tell.
She would smoke and tell me not to tell him as he'd go mad.. but at home they did drugs...?
As with you I'm sure, the list could go on and on.

It's so clear when I think about it and still so upsetting.

You have made me question if that's why I also lie, like you.
I'm in a great marriage but I will often press buttons or cause an issue or argument.
I play games sometimes and can be passive aggressive. I can be so much like my dad I hate it but it's almost embedded in me. I suppose I always saw him as having the power and he was ok so without realising I now want the power he had as I was taught (in a backwards way) that's what makes a person ok.

@Sonrienta thank you, will certainly look into EMDR.

@lostlittleone regards to lying it’s something I can’t get my head around. It’s nothing major always silly little things but there’s no reason and that’s the only thing I can relate it to. When you learn these behaviours so young it’s very difficult to try and re train yourself. A lot of the time I’ve told the lie before I’ve even processed the thought if telling the truth. I think I must be difficult for our partners as one minute I feel alright and the next I’m angry at the world. But it’s certainly time to address it and try get back some control.

Thank you for your posts. I hope we can all manage to control our future without too much interference from the past.

I have had a similar childhood, have had EMDR and lots of counselling but at the moment I am reading a new book called How To Do The Work by Dr Nicole LePera and I’m actually finding it very helpful in understanding myself and how to overcome some of my patterns. TBH this book is helping more than my current counselling with Mind.

How To Do The Work: The Sunday Times Bestseller www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1409197743/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_QY5RGDNKT2BD64KD8Y73?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@DancesWithFelines thank you, I’ve just purchased it on Amazon. Will start reading as soon as it arrives.

Yes this experience can cause complex PTSD have a read online and see if this resonates with you.
I've been diagnosed with it for the same reason and currently having psychotherapy for it. I cannot have relationships as a result.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky I have often wondered if I do have suffer from PTSD. I go through phases of being tortured by recurring nightmares of the past. Definitely contacting my GP tomorrow to discuss further.