support request & update, 20 year marriage ending

[MadgeMidgerson]

i posted a thread about this some weeks ago - that i was thinking of leaving my husband who contributes very little to the family in any sense and with whom i have not been intimate in a decade.

i have paid the retainer for a lawyer and am getting the papers together for her and am meeting her on the 21st. i can’t live like this anymore, and yet i feel the most overwhelming sadness.

i keep asking, what is wrong with me? i know all kinds of women who are adored by their husbands and cherished by them. i am not ugly, i’m kind, i’m interested in the world, i am loving, i am all kinds of things and i am so deeply neglected in this marriage it has broken me. why was i not enough?

and i think now, at my age (46) i will never have that.

i feel so very alone, and have done for so long; you would think it couldn’t hurt anymore but it does, it really does.

and the thought that i will be alone forever just hurts.

i don’t know why this part of life which so many people seem to have effortlessly escapes me.

i don’t know why i am writing exactly - maybe i want reassurance that this will hurt less in time, and i won’t mind being lonely as more years pass.

please don’t tell me to be active or keep busy, i have and i am, with a great many things to fill the empty space in my marriage. i have found that as long as i am in constant motion it can be borne, but at some point i stop moving and then the loneliness hits me and it is total.

no person besides my children has touched my body with kindness in a decade, no person has touched it with desire in as long. my heart is broken and i am angry as well as sad at having broken.

I'll hold your hand! Not sure which recent thread was yours, there have been a few lately with DH's not contributing anything to family life but it sounds like you are doing the right thing for you and your kids!

please can anyone give me some support? maybe someone who has been through it? please

thank you. have you been through similar? will it get easier being alone?

OP you are grieving.
You are grieving for the life you thought you’d have, the marriage you wanted, the man you wanted and you’re also grieving for the future.
The good thing is the future is still here. At the moment you can only see a bleak picture that is filled with more of the same - and that’s totally understandable.
You can’t imagine a future filled with fun and laughter and love and desire because you’ve been starved of it for so long. But that doesn’t mean it’s not possible.
Sorry to speak in cliches but you can’t see the sun when it’s cloudy but it’s still there right? The sun is still there even when it’s pissing down with rain and thunder and hailing and it’s freezing bloody cold - it is STILL THERE. There is still the potential that eventually, it will pop out again.

You have a whole future ahead and right now it looks like it’ll just be full of cloudy shite weather but it really, really won’t be.

You are grieving but even grief eventually lifts. Even the saddest, most brutal, raw grief passes in time.

Give yourself time but please don’t sell yourself a story of your future. It’s still open to so much potential

thank you for saying all that. i think i am too old now to meet anyone, sure the only men single at my age are the dumped and the damaged.

i should have done this years ago but i did not. i am exhausted by all the consequences of my choices, stil with more to come.

i have not said anything to my husband about leaving yet- i am waiting until i meet with the lawyer. i have a feeling he will be shocked and then angry that i am so ungrateful and easily dissatisfied. i have tried to be satisfied!

OP my mum was 42 when she left my dad after 24 years of marriage

She met my stepdad when she was 47 and they’ve now been together for 25 years

There is no reason for you not to meet someone but I’ll also say what my mum always said to me “better to be alone than lonely with someone else”

OP don't think you will be alone. My friend is 55 now. At 50, after unhappy years where he was cheating and belittled her and almost opted out of family life, gave her no love or support, she finally had proof her husband was cheating and they split. It was acrimonious, he fought her for every asset and told some pretty shocking lies--- it took almost 3 years to finalise. The whole time she was trapped in the family home as they couldn't sell til the terms were agreed. She couldn't move on.

Now finally it is over, she moved city, to a lovely house she adores. She has men coming out of her ears! So much interest, many are divorced too (and being dumped or damaged doesn't mean you are written off for new love). She is dating and having a great time, and there is now a contender for a new lovely relationship. Her life is great now. I completely get why you feel the way you do but it can all work out. This can be a beginning not an end.

Well done for getting out. It’s hard, but not so bad as being alone in a marriage.Who knows what may happen, Bon courage

You sound lovely. You 're going through a grieving process. Time will heal. All the best. X

Dumped or damaged?! Or widowed or perhaps someone who’s been married unhappily just like you... You are understandably depressed and unhappy due to your lonely marriage and rather than looking forward with optimism, you are apprehensive of the future. I think you’re wise to say nothing to your husband until you’ve got things sorted with the lawyer. If you think stbx will be too awful, discuss options with your lawyer at the same time. You may take some time getting used to putting yourself first, and him last. Once you are free and living your own life, I’m sure you will blossom like a flower opening to the sun. As to meeting someone new - you’re only 46! You’re still young, really you are - though you may not feel it atm! You will feel better, have a better life but it will take time to break free from these chains of fear and doubt. One day at a time, you’ll get there, and we’re all rooting for you 💐

@MadgeMidgerson

thank you. have you been through similar? will it get easier being alone?

Not the same but I was widowed at 34 and went on to get married when I was 47 so I have had a period of time alone!

If you're not getting love, support, friendship and Intimacy within a marriage I would think that must be worse than being alone!

Hi @MadgeMidgerson I have seen your other posts, and I really get how you feel. It is so awful to think that on one hand you are desperately unhappy, but on the other can you cope with possibly making your partner desperately unhappy. This is where I am too. I also look in the mirror and think, "what is wrong with me?" I am an intelligent woman, I get attention from men, I'm quite shy but people seem to like me, and I'm trapped with someone who doesn't give me a second glance. Not even a first one. I am just tired of it and want more from life than finding jobs to do around the house to avoid having to spend any time with dh. He knows how I feel, but clearly does not want to separate, and seems to be hoping I've just forgotten all about it as if I was just having a moment that's now blown over. Well, it's not. Like you, I am so lonely and I want more than this. No intimacy here for a decade either. I think it will be the hardest thing ever to go through with, but you've made a massive step in getting the ball rolling with the solicitor. I phoned a couple of solicitors earlier in the year but they were actually full, not taking any more clients, and I almost felt relieved that there was nothing I could do about it and I'd just have to stay put. But I must must must get moving with this and try again to see if I can at least find out the first steps, and like you I want to do this before I tell dh (again) how I feel and what I want. I hate the fact he'll be devastated, and I've no idea how the kids will react, but it's either do something to cause temporary pain, or do nothing and put up with years and years of misery. And it would be temporary. It might be really really painful, but temporary. Things will get better, life will go on. I really hope you do get sorted soon. Life is out there for you. I'm two years younger than you and neither of us are over the hill! We deserve partners who really want us and will show us love, and give us a right good seeing to! I could have had that, someone wanted me but because of my situation, nothing could happen, and he's moved on. I am gutted. I don't want to cut myself off from opportunities for happiness just to keep everyone else happy. As the saying goes, don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You matter! Get through this, get to the other side, and I'm sure the relief will be overwhelming. And when you do it, come and grab my hand and take me with you so I can get to the other side too. Good luck OP X X

oh you lot are bloody brilliant do you know it? and thank you

I’m following your thread with interest as I’m in the same boat

OP I split with my ex at 45 and met my gorgeous DP on OLD at 46. I’m early 50’s now. I traded up massively and am absolutely delighted with him. He’s smart, funny, kind, and absolutely adores me. There are plenty of great ones still out there.

But first you need to grieve for the end of your relationship. It’s completely normal to do so, and can take a year or two. You’ll know when you’re ready to date again.

Not being appreciated for years is very very grinding. It wrecks your self esteem. You may want to consider a few counselling sessions to help you get some closure - it’s not you, it’s him.