Why do I feel like this? Online dating..

[TheWaif]

I'm divorced, spilt with my ex two years ago. We'd been together for about 14 years, we split because he'd been cheating on me.

I feel like I want to meet someone, but the idea also puts me way out of my comfort zone. I have had some counseling sessions recently and she mentioned that a lot of the things I speak about seem to come from a place of fear and suggested I'm making my world small to try to protect myself (not just in terms of relationships, in general), which she said is common for people who didn't feel safe in childhood.

Recently I've been doing OLD. I've met a few men and not actually been attracted to any of them when I met them. I get ridiculously nervous before going on a date, verging on panic attack level. Then when I've met them and realised that I don't want to see them again I feel a relief that I don't have to go through the anxiety of it all.

Now I've got myself into a situation where I've been speaking to a guy for a week. I find myself more attracted to him than I have to any of the others. Not just physically. I kind of let my guard down and got into more of an intense conversation than I normally would. Not sexual, but saying we find each other attractive more than is probably sensible for someone I've never met, talking about how well suited we are, talking about 'if we were dating' etc, staying up late to talk...

Now I've got the complete fear. He seems like a really nice guy, but maybe I've got it all wrong? What if he's a complete wet blanket? He's not been out with anyone in quite a while.. maybe he's put them off? I feel like I've maybe given him the impression I'm too interested and inadvertently made him think a relationship with me is a dead cert.

This doesn't matter too much really because if we meet I will make sure to say that although I've enjoyed chatting that nothing is set in stone until we meet in person.

I just don't know why I feel like this though? My nerves feel in shreds today. I've no motivation to get anything done, I've spent most of the day staring at my phone. I feel really out of sorts about it all.

I know people say 'trust your instincts' etc, but nothing this guy has said has given me any reason to mistrust him. I think I always feel like this. I don't trust my instincts because they 100% always tell me to 'run away' from any kind of high emotion situation.

Am I just not ready for dating? Or just not suited to online dating? Or am I just trying to run away from something that could be good because of my own fear?

Have you been face timing and chatting on the phone with him?

I could have written your post. I didn’t have a very big gap between my ex cheating on me and us separating and meeting my partner online (say 6 months). I had the massive fear - it’s because you have been shat on from such a great height by your ex and you don’t feel worth it. The voice telling you that a single and available guy must be weird is your fear and possible the voice of your ex (if he is anything like mine who Left me with really low self-esteem). My partner and I chatted don the phone each night for three weeks before meeting and it was really intense - to a point where both of us had the conversation that it was strangely intense but that we both felt like we did click.
We’ve been together for three years and he is the gentlest, kindest, funniest and quietly self-assured man I know. It can be okay. You have to be prepared to let yourself go a bit and that is terrifying. It might not work, but it also might, and if it doesn’t work, then you are no worse off. Good luck!

@NurseButtercup

Have you been face timing and chatting on the phone with him?

No. Just the thought makes me very anxious. I wouldn't face time anyway because I think that's a young person's game. It adds about ten years to my appearance. I'm worried talking on the phone would compound how awkward it would be if I didn't fancy him when we met.

@russianred

I could have written your post. I didn’t have a very big gap between my ex cheating on me and us separating and meeting my partner online (say 6 months). I had the massive fear - it’s because you have been shat on from such a great height by your ex and you don’t feel worth it. The voice telling you that a single and available guy must be weird is your fear and possible the voice of your ex (if he is anything like mine who Left me with really low self-esteem). My partner and I chatted don the phone each night for three weeks before meeting and it was really intense - to a point where both of us had the conversation that it was strangely intense but that we both felt like we did click. We’ve been together for three years and he is the gentlest, kindest, funniest and quietly self-assured man I know. It can be okay. You have to be prepared to let yourself go a bit and that is terrifying. It might not work, but it also might, and if it doesn’t work, then you are no worse off. Good luck!

Thank you.

I think I do need to at least meet him but I just don't think I can let go any more than I already have without kind of leading him on and making it worse for myself if I don't like him in real life.

He would probably have given me the fear. Chatting shite about how well suited you are and coming on so strong when he has never even met you. Google 'love bombing' just incase that's what's happening.

Always trust your instincts if they tell you to run. Always. Better safe than sorry.

And do not get into deep convos (at least about anything personal) with men you dont know from Adam because its common for abusers to want to get you to over share so they can use that info against you at a later point.

Even if he is lovely, I wpuldnt take the risk of meeting him now if I had ocersharedanything too personal. Dont tell men about prior abuse for example as they take it as a sign that your boundaries may still be shite and they can exploit you.

I dont think online dating is easy for even the fearless. Theres no harm in being brace and going for it. But you have to know how to spot the signs of love bombers and abusive men. And be sure you are where you need to be mentally to trust your instincts.

Thats where peace of mind comes in when dating - its not knowing that you can trust them, its knowing that you can trust YOU to walk away at any hint of trouble.

No, we both got into that. He's not love bombing me. I haven't overshared any information, just got carried away with talking about.. nothing in particular! I've never been in anything near an abusive relationship and haven't even spoken about past relationships at all with him aside from how long we were together. Not even why we split.

This is why I'm doubting myself. I'm the most suspicious, untrustful person I know and there haven't been any red flags :/

I think I'm going to put a stop to it anyway, because whatever the reason I don't feel right about it.

Maybe you're just not ready yet. Or maybe it's not the best way for you to meet ppl. In a few months thingsll be starting up again, maybe you can take up a class or a social hobby or something and meet ppl that way.

@Wanderlusto

Maybe you're just not ready yet. Or maybe it's not the best way for you to meet ppl. In a few months thingsll be starting up again, maybe you can take up a class or a social hobby or something and meet ppl that way.

Yes, that's definitely what I'd prefer to do. Thank you

I told him and deleted my accounts on all the apps. I feel really relieved!

You're not ready, and your gut instinct was telling you so