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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wasnt attracted to exh, sexually coercive marriage , feel awful

4 replies

designedbylife · 10/04/2021 17:04

I posted recently under a different name as I was struggling to relax sexually with mew partner.
I was in a long marriage with a man who was a sex pest essentially .
His drive, desire and expectations remained the same as when we first met all through the years .
He groped me, slapped my bum, sulked if he didn't get sex, waited up until after a night out for me to come home to coerce me into sex, just an all
Round pest . Worse , he groped in front of the kids and they started copying him.
He wanted quickies during the day when kids were in next room and did not do affection unless there was a sexual element to it . I detached completely when I did sleep with him and never once orgasmed through piv.
He repulsed me. I wasn't physically attracted to him very soon after marriage , yet I stayed until he had an affair.
He believed that because I was not sexual tap that I didn't fancy him anymore . He was right .
So my dilemma is ... why do I feel guilty ? The only guilt I feel is that the children saw some inappropriate bum slapping and started to copy him.
Part of me feels that it was my fault that he had an affair as I was visibly flinching to his touch by the end of the marriage .
He ignored me when he was at home and not working , either on his phone or asleep.
He had no interest on family life or in our marriage . The only thing that interested him about me was sexual. Help me unpick please.
Thank you .

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 10/04/2021 17:09

I doubt it is really guilt that you are feeling; emotions are complex and sometimes difficult to untangle.

Your ex husband sounds dreadful, frankly; immature and totally lacking in consideration.

Thankfully not all men are like him.

You have nothing about which to feel guilty, honestly. What you are probably feeling is wondering how you ever got yourself into a relationship with him and wishing you hadn't. It's natural to feel embarrassed about that but we all make mistakes.

Your children and you are well out of it.

I hope the future brings you good things.

Ruminating2020 · 10/04/2021 17:12

Sorry this happened to you OP, but his sexually coercive behaviour and his affair are absolutely not your fault and you have no reason to feel guilty. He is guilty of his behaviour.
This man did not love or respect you and only wanted you for sexual reasons. Have you thought about having counselling or therapy on this? I hope you can get some RL support.

billy1966 · 10/04/2021 17:51

Horrible sex pest.

Well done for getting away from him.

Well done for getting your children away.

I think some counselling would be good for you.

I think you should be so proud of yourself not consumed by guilt.
Flowers

Ardvark111 · 10/04/2021 18:17

I would say take some time out from new rship for a unset amount of time. and tell him your reasons. if he loves you he will wait and understand,!!

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