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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told off

43 replies

Cleanup008 · 10/04/2021 11:32

I am a 31 year old woman and I still get told off by my parents. What's worse is it's always infront of my dc.

This has now resulted in dc telling tales on me for the tiniest of things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cleanup008 · 10/04/2021 12:59

@Mylovelyhorsee I have no one else. I'm very much alone just me and my dc.

I love my parents and they are there for me when I need them but being told off still at my age and it being done infront of my dc is really frustrating and upsetting.

OP posts:
Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 10/04/2021 13:04

I'd just laugh at them and tell them you're an adult, cut it off straight away.

YoniAndGuy · 10/04/2021 13:10

Really disturbing OP - the fact that you don't even seem to think that it's an option to take them aside and say directly 'I'm an adult. You don't get to tell me off - it isn't up to you what I do or how I do it. I love you, but if you carry on speaking to me like that in front of my children we will stop visiting.'

jessstan2 · 10/04/2021 13:10

[quote Cleanup008]@Mylovelyhorsee I have no one else. I'm very much alone just me and my dc.

I love my parents and they are there for me when I need them but being told off still at my age and it being done infront of my dc is really frustrating and upsetting.[/quote]
Deal with it, CleanUp!

Your parents obviously don't realise the effect their tellings off are having on you. I'm sure they love you and wouldn't want to hurt you so tell them. They have become ingrained in a pattern of behaviour but it isn't too late for them to stop.

Mylovelyhorsee · 10/04/2021 13:15

@Cleanup008 are they abusive?

Wanderlusto · 10/04/2021 13:16

Just tell them off for telling you off infront of your children. 'Its not appropriate. I'm not a child and it undermines me infront of my child. Don't do it again'. Take them aside and have a chat with them next time you meet them. They may not realise they are doing it.

If the continue to do it, you say calmly 'I told you not to speak to me like that infront if my child so, we'll ne leaving/you should leave for today'. And then leave/show them out. And be prepared to use 'Its not up for discussion', 'I wont be spoken to like that' ect...

It also sounds like it might be worth speaking to your gp about depression. And considering whether your parents give healthy criticism or are in fact, unhealthy and toxic to you and simply bringing you down. Consider what their motives are and act accordingly.

NotaCoolMum · 10/04/2021 13:21

@Cleanup008 I’m guessing you rely on your parents still for some form of support? I’m guessing this as I used to have a similar dynamic with my parents. I realised it was because I relied heavily on them emotionally and so they still viewed me in a more childlike manner. Once I realised this I started to stand on my own two feet more and became more independent of them and the dynamics have definitely changed- now they see me as an adult and I don’t feel like their “child”.

Aprilshowersandhail · 10/04/2021 18:47

Back away and take your dc with you. It will see your mh improve quite quickly ime.

Anordinarymum · 11/04/2021 01:54

The role of a good grandparent is to support their child and help them, not to undermine them in front of grandchildren.

I would tell them they are out of order doing this in front of your child and if it continues you will stay away.

I tell my children off if needs be but never in front of anyone else and certainly not within earshot of my grandchildren.

FuckyouCovid21 · 11/04/2021 07:15

What kind of things are they telling you off for?

PhilCornwall1 · 11/04/2021 08:35

I had this once and once only from my parents. My eldest went to them complaining about something and I was confronted by an attempted "telling off". They were told in no uncertain terms to mind their own business, because the day I moved out of their house was the day that they stopped telling me what to do. I won't take it from them. They didn't like it, tough shit.

My eldest was also told that he could complain to Jesus Christ for all we care, it won't change the outcome of what we decide. He didn't like that either, that was tough too.

Original poster
Cleanup008 · 11/04/2021 20:34

@Mylovelyhorsee no they're not abusive.

I can't cope, they've been talking about me today while one of my dc was with them.

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 11/04/2021 21:23

You need to speak up for yourself and tell them this isn’t acceptable.
What sort of things are they ‘telling you off’ for? Is it that they have different ideas of parenting style?

Woodlandbelle · 11/04/2021 21:27

Honestly you need to back off away from them. This is not acceptable. Just stay away and the next time they do this just pick up your children and walk out and don't come back.

Sitchervice · 11/04/2021 21:39

I used to get this all the time, sometimes I still do.

In the end I told my parents I needed to make my own mistakes to beable to grow. Do you think you could sit down and have a word with them? Especially if it's affecting your relationship with your children?

Candyfloss99 · 11/04/2021 21:45

Please give some actual examples of what they tell you off about so we can help you talk to them about it. Is it leaving lid off the milk or is it being late or not making your bed or what?

SelkieIntegrated · 11/04/2021 21:53

Tackle it NOW. 🍷 you have all of my sympathy.
Im 50 and my parents act like I wounded them if i try to establish a boundary. And now they're 76, they use that as a reason they're too fragile (to be told not to hurt me)

SelkieIntegrated · 11/04/2021 21:57

It sounds like you're the scapegoat :-(

That is really awful, that they have created an environment where your children try to win their grandparents' approval by talking you down.

If you dont live with them, go lower contact.

If you do live with them, start looking in to moving out.

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