How would you react

[savethatkitty01]

During lockdown have gained about 25kilograms in weight over the past year. Husband has recently revealed he no longer finds me attractive & has little interest in me in an intimate way. Not sure how to feel about this revelation. Please, no nasty comments.

I would feel hurt but that’s quite a bit of weight to put on in a short amount of time so I also wouldn’t be surprised at that reaction. How would you feel if it was the other way around? How do you feel about the weight gain? If you’re fine with it then that’s good but he can’t really help his feelings and he has been honest with you.

Well naturally you're going to feel upset and rejected by this. The question is how to move forward from it.
Rather brutal thing for your husband to say and also to hear this.
I've been furloughed/shielding for the last 3 months and have gained about a stone in weight.
Easily done living on your own.
However the real challenge is reversing our eating habits. I've been just having a bowl of soup in the evenings and a light breakfast this week and have already noticed a difference on the scales.
The practicalities of weight gain & loss are straightforward enough to deal with its the emotional distress of what your husband said.
If I'm honest I'd ve considering my relationship but I would also use it as a kick start and catalyst to change myself.

Hmm, that's nearly 4 stone? I'd definitely be concerned if DH put on that much in a short period.

Whilst this is hard to hear - I’d be very concerned if I’d put on close to 4 stone in 1 year, and I’d possibly be very concerned if a dear one had put on the same amount in such a period of time.

I think it would depend on how/why I had gained the weight. If it was because of stress/trauma or just from lack of exercise in lockdown etc. How is the rest of your relationship?

Did you ask him or did he bring it up himself?

It’s a lot of weight to gain in quite a short time. Were you underweight before? How do you feel about it?

I’d be hurt if my husband was no longer attracted to me but I’d also be hurt if I felt he was no longer looking after himself and he put on a lot of weight without a reason that was beyond his control eg illness or injury. Health, fitness and our sex life are important to both of us and if one us ballooned the other would be concerned.

Not talking about these things isn’t helpful and he shouldn’t be having sex he doesn’t want so I think it’s absolutely fair enough he’s told you, hopefully he wasn’t unkind in how he did it.

Thankyou for the insightful replies. I honestly tried to ignore it (the weight). I didn't ask, he mentioned it. I actually understand how he feels & am trying to use it as motivation for change. I appreciate he told me, however difficult it was to hear.

How do you feel about the weight gain OP? Do you want to lose the weight? Do you have a practical plan?

What was the context of the discussion you had with him? Was it a calm, considered and caring manner in which he revealed his thoughts or was it nasty & vindictive? I think that makes a difference. If the former, I believe it comes from a place of kindness towards you - even if that doesn't seem likely to you right now. He's trying to be honest with you and perhaps it's a clumsy attempt to encourage you to lose the weight? What were his actual words? Rather than what you feel he said?

From my own experience: My DH is hugely overweight (similar gain to yours) & has been for some time. Over the last few years, I have tried every approach to get him to lose the weight. I have been super supportive emotionally & practically - eg no snack foods in the house, encouraging him to workout/exercise, plenty of cuddles & intimacy to show him affection etc. But last year I lost my temper and had an extremely frank conversation which I am not terribly proud of. I'm sure he saw it as cruel but I didn't know what else to do because I struggle to find him attractive and more than anything I am concerned for his health. It had zero effect on his weight loss and he continues to help himself to food that he simply doesn't need to consume (I'm talking about extra helpings etc). I don't know what the solution is.

@savethatkitty01 from your update I can see why you try to ignore the weight gain. It's bloody hard to accept it right? And it sounds like you are struggling to deal with it. It can feel like an insurmountable thing to deal with. The only way to approach it is to lose the weight for yourself and because you actually care about your own body. There are reasons you have gained this weight. Give yourself some grace. It's been a coping mechanism of sorts. Now try to see that you are worth taking care of and nurturing and that should start from you. Try talking to your DH about it and let him see that you are hurting but wanting change for YOURSELF not just whether he finds you attractive or not. I've struggled with weight gain myself in the past (due to meds) and it's not easy. But when I stopped punishing myself and being horrid to myself, I felt way more motivated to do something about it.

Saying he no longer finds you attractive if rather brutal. I have to flip this around though, in terms of weight gain. There were already emerging problems in my marriage when my ex gained an excessive amount of weight. I explained to him I was concerned about his health, although I never outright told him it turned me off. Subsequent to our split, he's been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.

I don't think weight gain is the only reason for your H's comments, I'd hasten a guess there are many underlying issues in your relationship.

I don't think weight gain is the only reason for your H's comments, I'd hasten a guess there are many underlying issues in your relationship.

It might not be directly connected to the weight gain or the wider relationship. People often say when their partner gains weight it’s not just their appearance that changes but their interests, energy levels, priorities, not wanting to do things they used to because they tire easily, having poor self image and taking less interest in self care.

It would be hard to hear. But he does need to be honest as his feelings matter too. I’m finding it hard to understand how it’s possible to gain that amount in one year, are you really over eating wrong foods? You should go to doctor.
I had to tell me dh when he gained I was getting annoyed every time he ate a full tub of ice cream and biscuits, he has lost it now but he didn’t take it bad he knew he needed to hear it.

@EdinaMonsoon thank you. Spot on

@savethatkitty01 I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this. What can we do to support you? Do you want to talk about anything? Do you know what your trigger for the weight gain was? Was it lockdown per se or are their issues in your relationship with DH?

Been there done that. My dh never really mentioned it but it floored me. I went from an 12 to an 18. I realised it was me as i was unhappy nothing much to do with any problems. I think it was pure contment. Visited slimming world and back to previous weight. Just needed motivation