Apparently I deserve to be treated like this because my dad was worse!

[gazeratstars]

Last night ended in an argument with my boyfriend.

I don't like it when he swears at me and recently he's not been helping out with any housework or shopping and just being miserable . We're both furloughed and I think the stress of that is making things a lot worse.

During the argument he said that my dad was useless and that's where I come from so basically that's all I deserve.

I was shocked at this. My dad isn't perfect and he knows I had a tough childhood. I just thought it was a really horrible thing to say.

We've been together 8 years and he's never said this before but now I'm thinking all along he's thought this and therefore thinks he can treat me badly.

How would you have reacted to this?
I ended up just going to bed and I haven't spoken to him since.

Wow, what a horrible abusive man. Be grateful (at least) for him revealing his true self before you have children.

In books about abuse it's said abusive men justify their behaviour with "faulty thinking" and you have just had an example. He is a lazy selfish git and rather than take responsibility for his negative traits he is trying to transfer responsibility to you.

Please don't accept a weak apology for this. He is showing who he is and he is very unlikely to change his thinking.

Well there you go OP, by his own admission he's not creating an atmosphere and refusing to pull his weight at home because he's stressed or depressed, he's doing those things because he thinks "you deserve them" What a prick.

Also, what an idiot - if you're so terrible, why hasn't he left!? (Answer: because you're of course not actually terrible at all, but he'd like to use that as a stick to beat you with to make him feel better about himself. You are quite right that for some twisted reason he thinks he can treat you badly.)

As always, abuse doesn't happen in a vacuum so I'm not surprised to hear that he also (regularly?) swears at you, which is verbal abuse. Time for a reassessment of your relationship, I would think. I couldn't be with someone who used my difficult childhood against me. What do your friends and family (maybe not your dad) think about him?

How would I react ? I would leave initially then have a conversation once I was ready.

He’s very unkind
Don’t stay with him

He shouldn't be swearing at you.
He has no respect for you.
Time to move on.

I would dump him if he thought it was OK to diss my family in that way.

Listen to what he’s saying to you. Really listen. Don’t second guess it.

He has ZERO respect for you. Thinks you DESERVE to be spoken to like that. Makes comments that compare his behaviour with your dad’s to JUSTIFY his abuse.

Please leave. It’s only going to get worse.

I’d dump him because he thinks that housework is “ your job “ and he’s doing you a favour by “ helping “.

As well as for the swearing and abuse.

I don't think there's any coming back from a comment like that. Sorry OP.

It's unusual to have it explicitly stated by the person, but yeah, abusive lowlifes often seem to home in on people with traumatic backgrounds or previous abusive relationships. Benefits to them - expectations of them will be low so "I don't hit you", "I don't cheat on you" etc are portrayed as points you should be grateful for, rather than default baseline expectations. They can also exploit your vulnerabilities to keep you compliant without the work of breaking down your boundaries first, because they're already a bit damaged or non-existent.

You might find the shark cage analogy useful www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Usually I'm of the opinion that you shouldn't place too much emphasis on cross words said in the heat of an argument.

But that was such a genuinely awful thing to say that I think maybe the above doesn't hold. Surely it wouldn't even occur to most normal people, however angry they were?

Im really shocked by his comment.

I could not tell my dad what he's said. All my family think my boyfriends a great man.

Do you think it could have been said in anger and he didn't necessarily mean it?

He verbally abuses you regularly and doesn't share the load at home. Such comments don't come out of nowhere and are backed up by his actions.

I think he has maybe decided that he's hooked you to him so now he can let his good guy front slide. How does he treat you normally? Do you find yourself changing your behaviour because you know he wont like what youre doing? Do you both contribute financially and domestically?

Well, that's horrible of him. But now at least you know what he thinks of you. Obviously this is how he justify his behaviour to himself.
Get rid op.

What he said combined with being a lazy fuck is more than enough reason to leave. Is this new behaviour or has he always had the potential to be a bit of a selfish shit?

He definitely meant it.
I appreciate 8 years is a lot to chuck away (sunk costs and all that), but it's a lot better than then next couple of decades of your life.

Find someone who respects you and who can actually be arsed to pull their weight around the house!

Please don't dismiss this by thinking it was said in anger. There are some things that should never be said , even in anger. Personally I feel that when something pops out like this in am argument its already been in their head.

My DP father was actually awful and a truly horrible man. No matter what the situation if I ever brought him up in an argument like that it would be a line that could never be uncrowded and I guarantee DP would never ever forgive me.

He crossed a big line. Don't minimise this.

The writing is on the wall here, OP.

Read it and react accordingly.

The rare awful thing said in temper, followed by a swift, thorough apology (not something like oh I'm sorry you feel so sensitive, or I'm sorry you made me do that), I would forgive.

Someone who is looking for the most hurtful thing they can think of to say in order to win an argument and then follows it with excuses, justifications, or looking to share blame for it with you, should get in the bin.

And I also agree with others, there are some things you just don't say during arguments if you have any love or respect for your partner. And this is one.

So let me get this right- He, for whatever reason, thinks you are not worthy of respect and deserve to be treated badly?

Its a bit like when women are gaslighted into thinking they deserve to be beaten by their partners.

Leave! Make him leave. He has just told you what your life will be if you stay

"I'm really shocked by his comment".
Its more of the same from him really along with the verbal abuse. He has NO respect for you whatsoever.

I could not tell my dad what he's said. All my family think my boyfriends a great man.

Abuse thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open. They do not live with him and many abusers as well can appear to be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

Do you think it could have been said in anger and he didn't necessarily mean it?

He meant it alright, he meant every single word.