Feeling torn: Old and Frail BUT mean MIL

[Mombie]

My mil has just been round (she is part of our social bubble) and has left me feeling like a nervous wreck. This is long but I don’t want to drip feed, I just need to vent.

This is the first time she has been here in nearly 2 yrs because the last time she was here she had a go at my children for speaking to their dad whilst he was trying to eat his dinner (I know it is crazy but we are South Asian and she is very traditional and said that they were disturbing him and she of course wasn’t getting any attention). It was the last straw after 18 yrs of nit picking and controlling behaviour. I took so much of her jealous crap for 18 years and then I snapped that night as she was directing her venom at my children and I haven’t had her back since until today...
Today she:

Had a go at my daughter for not being able to cook like X’s daughter and then proceeded to imply that this was my fault because I am not interested in cooking.

Referred to every women that we know saying things like ‘Oh they are so beautiful and thin and..thin...thin’. She knows that I struggle with my weight and she made these comments very pointedly whilst smirking and made sure to include DH in these conversations too so he was reminded that ‘x’s wife is soooo thin’.

She knows that I work full time and that I don’t have time to cook certain food and she said something like ‘at least so and so’s daughter can do that, that’s all that matters.’

The worst is that she just sits and watches me and comments on everything that I do or say. It makes me feel physically sick because her eyes are always on me.

The whole time she was here, I was counting the clock until she left and now she is gone I feel so anxious to the point of nausea. I just wanted to tell her to fuck off but she is so old and frail and awaiting a hip operation. She can barely walk and I help her as much as I can but I know that she hates me. This is not in my head, she has done a lot to try and come in between DH and I.

It all sounds trivial but it’s the constant insults and comparisons and I had managed to avoid her for so long but now that she is old and ill I feel like I have to take it again and the thought of going back to that level of control is making me feel physically sick.

Is it bad to avoid her and help from a distance (send food, do shopping etc) but avoid actual conversations and interactions? I feel bad because she is in such bad health but she takes every opportunity to dig at me. My DH is happy with keeping us apart. He says things like ‘Don't let her get to you’ and ‘just ignore her’ because he is so used to her mean spirited ways but it is just not fucking normal and I can’t ignore her because she gets in my head.

Anybody dealing with this sort of thing? Even if not, I just needed to get it off my chest.

You don’t owe her anything. Your husband can look after her if she’s ill.

No, I don't think it's bad to keep at a distance. Your DH should take on the interaction, it's his mum. And get him to sort out someone to do her personal care if and when that becomes an issue because I can see she wouldn't want a son doing that but you shouldn't have to given your difficult relationship.

She sounds horrendous OP. It’s so hard when someone so close is so critical and judgemental. In my case it’s my own mother. I’ve had some counselling to come to terms with it because the fact is, whatever MN might say, there are certain relationships we can’t just walk away from. I’ve learnt to detach myself and pretend I am a carer for someone I have no emotional attachment to. It helps that DH is completely on board. Where is your DH in all this?

Thanks for your responses. To be fair since the big blow up 2 years ago DH has taken all the caring bits and she has carers too personal care now. I just do food, shop and the odd phone call. I think it was just that this was probably the longest conversation we have had in a while and she didn’t miss the opportunity to come for me. Naively, I was hoping things might have changed. Then when she left it felt like I was having some sort of physical reaction to the panic of going back to the early days of our marriage when I tried so hard to please her and she controlled me to the point that my first thought would always be ‘What will she think?’ It sounds crazy and hard to explain but I have felt so free and alive these past 2 years, like my old self and speaking to her again just made me feel really panicky.

This has just confirmed that at a distance will be the best thing because things won’t change and I don’t know if it’s me or her but I can’t be around her.

Just cause she’s frail that does not give her the right to be so disgustingly rude to you. Definitely take your DH up on the offer of keeping you apart if he won’t do what he should do and tell her she cannot speak to you like that or make these veiled digs all the time.

I would certainly keep my distance.

She’s your DH’s problem. Leave him to sort her out. I wouldn’t even do her online shopping and definitely wouldn’t call her.

My own mother is like that. I’m NC with her. So I certainly wouldn’t put up with IL’s.

I’m from a similar culture, I told my mother many years ago after she was particularly nasty to me to be nice to her DIL as I’d be shoving her into whichever home appeared first in the phone book if it ever came down to it.

Take care of yourself and your DC.
Frailty doesn’t change poisonous people.

It's not trivial.

And I wouldn't do a single thing for her. However, if doing things at a distance helps you feel better, go ahead. But there's not a hope in hell she'd darken my children's lives.

FIL can be 'challenging'. I told DH that everything was good unless the emotional safety of my child was affected. In which case, all hell would rain down. TBF FIL has respected by home and my parenting. He has a finely honed self-interest button.

I don’t think it is bad to avoid her and do the caring tasks from a distance. In fact, it sounds very sensible.

I’d be trying to work out a way to have a subtle dig at her mothering skills since she is having a go at you.

I mean, what kind of a mother would let her son marry a working woman who doesn’t have time to cook culturally appropriate food for him? She clearly failed as a mother in allowing him to marry you! And it is such a shame she is so critical of your daughter, after all, what kind of grandmother does anything other than dote on grandchildren?

You've fallen into a pattern of behaviour with her and you've let yourself believe that her opinion should matter to you. It really shouldn't. You can choose to react differently.

Keeping a distance between you is a good thing.

When she says something nasty, look her in the eye and smile and say breezily, 'Yes, but that's only your opinion.'

If you don't feel able to say that to her face yet, say it in your mind to her every time she utters a critical statement.

You can think/say what you like, I choose not to let it affect me.
Your opinion doesn't matter.
Only you think that.
No-one rational would agree.
I choose to ignore that rubbish you've just spouted.

Once you can choose not to accept her statements, it will give you more control over your own feelings and eventually all you will feel towards her is indifference.

What is your mother like?

She sounds like a right cow. I wouldn't be doing her shopping or taking food round to be honest, but if you want to keep doing that then fair enough. Definitely limit it to that though, no more visits. If your DH wants to see her he can organise it himself and go without you.

I'd avoid having her over for quite some time! CanyourDH broach this with her that it's embarrassing and upsetting you both

She's not that frail, she's amazing at hating you. I am a good person but I wouldn't help her anymore and definitely don't let her have a go at your DD. Some people are just evil.

I don’t know why you feel the need to assist her in any way. Mine is similar and I do nothing. She never misses a chance to gloat or be passive aggressive with me. I do not stop DH or interfere in their relationship but he visits alone. She rarely sees our children either because she’s as subtle as a brick and they have grown up seeing her be like this with me so they see through her sweet little old lady act.

Mine is an absolute cow too. I just ignore her as if I rise to it she gets excited ! Last thing I want to do is encourage the woman. She rang me the other day in office hours, to apologise for ringing in office hours a previous time ? The first call Left for it for to voicemail as I was working and the second I let my husband take the call. I sat 3feet away while he listened to her endless drivel . She ruined our much enjoyed coffee break together . Bitch .

Its not trivial at all.

Your own sense of overt obligation to your mother in law has done and is indeed doing you no favours at all. She really does not appreciate anything that you do for her, indeed she regards such kindness as weakness. Be kind to your own self instead now and have radiators in your life rather than drains on it. Stop with doing anything for her; its neither wanted nor appreciated.

Your H knows what his mother is truly like (after all he grew up with her) and ultimately you need to follow his lead here. Your boundaries, already skewed by her previous abusive treatment of you, are further being messed with. She being traditional (whatever does that mean anyway in this context?) does not give her the right to treat you like utter shit; she is now merely old and abusive whereas she was once young and abusive. Abusive people also come from all classes and creeds. She has not changed in all the years you have known her and you really do need to put both mental and physical distance between you and she now.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

Make a point of talking loudly about your friends who have wonderful mother in laws, who they enjoy spending time with, how loving and caring and cheerful and positive they are ... and arent they lucky!

I would carry on doing her food ordering but I wouldn’t have her in your house & tell your DH why you won’t be having her back.
I’ve no idea why some MIL’s want to make enemies of their son’s wives, it’s mean & pointless.

I was dealing with a very similar situation with my mother-in-law. I told her that I was not going to have any further contact with her and why. Of course, she became the ‘victim’, had a ‘panic attack’ and an ambulance had to be called! Before ambulance arrived, the decision was taken that actually it wasn’t needed (of course)!

Sacredspace - We have had a few of these emergency scenarios in the past - usually when it is someone else’s birthday or on an anniversary- funny that

jessstan2 My own mother is lovely but a real people pleaser. My dad was very abusive towards her and she took it for ages. I was adamant that I would never be like that and that my childhood would make me stronger but whilst I was keeping an eye out for abusive men, I forgot all about the mils.

I’m annoyed with myself about putting up with it for so long but it is so insidious. Like a little push and comment every now and then and before you know it you have changed your whole life to suit someone else. I don’t want this for any of my children so I have to break the cycle. I had a chat with my Dd this morning about it and told her she can do whatever she likes and go wherever she wants to go as long as she is happy.

I have felt really guilty these past two years about having little contact with her but last night confirmed that it is for the best. She doesn’t seem to want a normal relationship only a reaction out of me and I’m not giving her that. Thanks everyone

What a bitch! Hopefully she won't be around much longer!

Not bad at all - compassion from a distance sounds like healthy boundaries.

Its your husbands mother, and if he wishes, his responsibility. Please take your mental health seriously. When you have years and years of being drip fed that you are 'wrong' in everything you do it will also take years of medication and counselling to rewire what you have been told. This is from my own personal experience.

If you can cut off your landline and tell her she can contact your DH on his mobile if she wishes. She only is welcome in your home when DH is there and you and the children are out. DH can do as he pleases with regards to his contact but please sheild any children from this nonsense.

You need to toughen up regarding the frail/hip operation situation. This does not give anyone the right to be emotionally abusive. Either your DH deals with her, or she gets paid-in help. You should stop helping her in any way. She will likely see that as a weakness in you - which is very sad. You are clearly an empath so beware of the pitfalls.

Also regarding the criticisms - please look into projection. People who nit pick, put down and demoralize are often dealing with deep seated insecurities. Even if MIL is slim, maybe that is something she has always worked upon because she feels insecure about her own appearance - (does that make sense?). Maybe she doesn't feel like she can cook very well and has a sense of shame about it - therefore needs to point the finger at someone else. I would bet good money that there is something going on with her that she needs to project onto you, it may not be obvious, but it will be buried deep inside her.

When someone tries to give you the monkey on their back, push it straight back at them. Its not your issue - don't take it. xx