Something a bit off with friend

[mulcher]

I have a group of friends who I've known for years as we worked together. We're now scattered around the country but meet up once or twice a year and we talk via a messenger / teams group often.

There is one person in the group who makes me feel as though things might be going on in her life which aren't right. She has one ds and a dh and she often mentions how she's 'not allowed' to do or have certain things. Or that her dh or ds 'won't let her' do something. I also feel as though some of the things she says are exaggerated or 'embroidered' a bit. Her life seems to be tough as she is on a stressful uni course, has an elderly neighbour who relies on her, and her ds seems to be quite a demanding personality. Her dh seems a bit of a waste of space and she doesn't talk about him much and my impression of him has always been that he's a bit 'grey' and dull.

I don't really know what I'm asking in actual fact but there's something in the way she talks and some of the things she says that seem a bit 'off'. I feel that something's not right in her life and that she's somehow trying to let the rest of us know.

I have mentioned it to one other person in the group and he says that she just likes a bit of drama and I'm reading too much into the whole 'not being allowed' to do things and it's just her way but I can't help but feel as though something is wrong. Like her dh (or someone) is controlling her. I want to ask the question of her but in such a way that, if I have got it wrong, it doesn't drive a wedge between her and me.

Should I broach this with her? If she discloses something to me I'm not sure how I can help as we are 300 miles from each other. If I've just misread the situation and I offend her by asking I can imagine how she might dramatise or embroider this amongst the rest of our friendship group and leave me looking foolish.

Has anyone got any wise words? I know the obvious thing is to just ask her if everything's ok but I'm not sure how to word it without sounding nosy.

I think you should go with your gut intuitions could you chat with her alone, and ask her open questions to get her talking a bit more about her home life? I agree you want to tread carefully, and not have your friend left feeling you're judging her... could you lend her an empowering book maybe to start things off, like Untamed by Glennon Doyle or suggest an empowering podcast, and then follow up on that and ask her thoughts? You're a good friend to care so much and if it doesn't sit right with you, that's enough of a sign to find out more I think.

I agree with @peanutbutterandbananas. Have a one to one conversation about your lives in general and really listen to her answers. Maybe use some follow-up questions that repeat her words back to her, so that you’re not prying, you’re just using her words to show that you’re listening and indirectly getting more detail from her. Like when she says she’s not allowed, you could say “what makes you say you’re not allowed to...” to get her to give more concrete examples. A confidential relaxed atmosphere might help and if she seems uncomfortable, you can always change the subject.

Thanks @peanutbutterandbananas and @NRE20
I clearly need to speak to her. It would be really helpful to be in the same room and I think it might be a while before that happens. Thanks for the tips on questioning and using her own words.

Don't talk about her with anyone else. Ask her directly if anything is up and drop it if she says no. Years ago I knew someone who I believe was trying to drip feed me suggestions that might have been signalling abuse but it all got complicated very fast and we are no longer friends. The drip feeding started to feel manipulative and dishonest and I was no longer sure where I stood with her. She backed off for her own reasons. I still puzzle about the whole thing now.

@Leafy12 thanks for that advice. Your situation possibly sounds similar and upsetting. I'm sorry that this happened to you. Part of the reason I'm hesitant is because I feel as though there's a bigger story that I'm not sure about, but I can see that I need to address it as I would feel bad if it turns out she's suffering and I hadn't tried to help.