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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I be upset or am I overreacting?

15 replies

shorty912 · 09/04/2021 19:40

My fiancee and I have been together around 2 years now and were split up for several months but have been back together around 5 months now. He has never lived on his own and never really had no real responsibility. He makes decent money but has his own bills like I do mine. When we first started living together again we didn't go open a joint account but he was giving me his money to put toward bills. We just moved and rent and lights are higher now. He also knew I was getting a tax return and stimulus money so since we've moved I feel like I've paid most of the bills and even tho he spends money on us it's still not the same as putting it on the bills. He now will hand me money for bills but then says he has to pay his out of it also, so really there is none or not much left after he pays his. So it feels like he gives me money but mostly for his stuff. It took me awhile to get my taxes and I finally received them last Friday. We haven't been on good terms and so I haven't mentioned it to him as I know that the money needs to go toward my kids and things I need to pay off. It's not my fault he owes back child support on his kids and does not receive one. My stimulus money has mainly went to bills also. So last night he asked if I had received them. I said yes but trying to not even touch it right now. We were eating dinner at a restaurant and I could tell his attitude changed instantly. I asked if that made him upset and tried to explain I did not want to blow through it and his voice changed and he says I thought we were suppose to be on the same page with our money and bills etc so it kinda hurts you didn't mention it. I said again I'm trying not to bother that money. So he got a little better and we were having another convo and he turns around and I think intitnally says something where now my feelings were hurt and we started arguing a little and the next thing I know he is getting up and saying he is going to the car. I pay the bill and we leave without speaking on the way home. Arrive home and he says I'm going to bed I love you and did not kiss or hug me like usual. I woke up early this morning throwing up and he wakes up and starts getting ready for work 2 hours early so I ask what he is doing, tell him I'm sorry if I woke you and that I had gotten sick. He ignores me and goes outside to our pool house in his work clothes. I later start feeling okay so I get ready for work and he is still home. I arrive at work , text him like always and said made it to work.....I finally hear back from him 2 1/2 hrs later saying he stayed home and was assuming I was also. Now he seems like everything is fine while I'm sitting here at work angry and sad. Should I be upset about this or just let it go like he is apparently?

OP posts:
ParadiseIsland · 09/04/2021 19:44

All that sounds hard work.

Why did you split the first time?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/04/2021 19:47

For fuck's sake, do not marry this man. Get rid of him now and save yourself an enormous amount of aggrevation.

SeeYouInAnotherLife · 09/04/2021 19:47

He sounds awful OP. Doesn’t pay his fair share of the bills, you argue a lot, he’s not very nice to you....really, why are you with him? He’s not a keeper.

Templetreebalm · 09/04/2021 20:18

So he is with you so that you subsidise his life.
Hes pissy with you as he thinks you should share your money
Get rid
What is stimulus money btw ?

expectopelargonium · 09/04/2021 20:31

You were having dinner in a restaurant? Are you not in the UK then?

Doesn't really matter I suppose. Dump him anyway.

shorty912 · 09/04/2021 20:40

We broke up the first time for the same reasons shaking my head. He let go of responsibility, he gives up really easy. If he feels like he is failing then he pushes away because he says he cannot get anything right. Usually every time we fight he throws in my face he is going to pack and leave....just to get my attention or he thinks I'm fixing to end things so he runs. I guess I was still in love with him and in denial wishing he would grow up or mature some. He likes to manipulate the situation so I then feel guilty or question myself. It is a lot of hard work(stressed, not eating well, got sick this morning)....I work hard for what I want and I usually love hard once I fall and care for someone. I usually have to hate them to be done. I'm getting to that point with this situation. All he can say now is he is sorry and he was just hurt and should not have made it a big deal and that his work said they didn't really need him today......oh and stimulus money is economic impact payments.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/04/2021 21:28

Come on, op. You know this relationship is all wrong for you. Why are you still wasting time on him?

shorty912 · 09/04/2021 21:35

I really don't know to tell the truth, maybe because of the heartache of knowing its over and the hurt it brings months after. We really can have a good connection...one like I've never found when things are good. Not scared of being alone really just the hurt and depression that comes with it. But I do have an appointment to see a counselor for myself and why I accept this behavior from anyone.

OP posts:
PixelatedLunchbox · 09/04/2021 21:45

(OP must be in USA with restaurants open and the stimulus cheque)

WildfirePonie · 09/04/2021 21:59

Dump him. He's a leech.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/04/2021 22:07

The hurt of a relationship ending is just a part of life, but it always pales in comparison to the anger and resentment caused by wasting years of your life with someone you knew you should have left. When the bad outweighs the good, and it definitely does here, it's time to do the hard thing and walk away.

NotaCoolMum · 09/04/2021 22:46

You’ve only been together for 2 years- in that time you’ve been broken up for several months. The first year or two is usually the honeymoon phase- it sounds like a shit show OP. If you (as many would- he sounds like a twat) feel like this after only two years (minus the months you were apart), imagine how this will feel in 5,10,20 years- can you REALLY see yourself living like this for the rest of your life? 💐

expectopelargonium · 10/04/2021 15:41

@shorty912

We broke up the first time for the same reasons shaking my head. He let go of responsibility, he gives up really easy. If he feels like he is failing then he pushes away because he says he cannot get anything right. Usually every time we fight he throws in my face he is going to pack and leave....just to get my attention or he thinks I'm fixing to end things so he runs. I guess I was still in love with him and in denial wishing he would grow up or mature some. He likes to manipulate the situation so I then feel guilty or question myself. It is a lot of hard work(stressed, not eating well, got sick this morning)....I work hard for what I want and I usually love hard once I fall and care for someone. I usually have to hate them to be done. I'm getting to that point with this situation. All he can say now is he is sorry and he was just hurt and should not have made it a big deal and that his work said they didn't really need him today......oh and stimulus money is economic impact payments.
In other words, every time you pull him up on anything, he throws a strop and threatens to leave you, so you end up falling over yourself to make things right again. Talk about manipulative.

Call his bluff and say OK, off you go then.

shorty912 · 22/04/2021 19:46

Thanks for all the replies! I have my first appointment in about an hour with a therapist and I hope she can help guide me into taking steps for a better me. We have not broke up yet and he knows of my appointment today. I asked him what if my therapist suggest that I'm in a toxic relationship and its not a good idea to continue. He replies with I thought you were not going about us, that needs to be for couples counseling. I guess if that is what she thinks and you agree then I guess we will separate then......WOW! He is so upset that I'm fixing to be discussing our relationship.

OP posts:
BlueDahlia69 · 23/04/2021 05:01

He sounds like a manipulative controlling gas lighting cocklodging Prick.

You don't need anyone to tell you this, you know it.

Find your boundaries and stand by them .. please stop subsidising HIS entire life.

good luck at therapy lady 🌸

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