I guess it has come to this: asking for advice from strangers, so thank you all in advance for reading and replying.
I was very sad and down back in 2018 (when my ex husband announced in a fight, when I asked to separate for the first time feeling suffocated and unhappy for years, that he had been in love with another woman but not having acted on it due to their work relationship), when a man entered my life. I am South European, my husband is from Central Europe and we live here in the U.K. for 21 years, married 15, two DCs 14yo and 12yo. The other man is British (BM for now on) and I met him through work. Back then, it had not even occurred to leave my marriage at all and I had decided to stay on at least for the children. The BM flirted with me (he had recently separated himself) while on a business trip and also commented very accurately and empathetically on my family life (from small hints I dropped at the trip). Since coming back from that trip, I could not get him out of my head at all and was beating myself up for not knowing how to be bolder with flirting or indeed for not pursuing a life that fulfils me and makes me happy in general and as a result of his comments. When back, he sent me a hidden (in work things) message saying that he enjoyed spending time with me on the business trip and I told him the same and that I kind of had a lightbulb moment through my interaction with him. When we eventually spoke on the phone he said he could easily spend one more week alone with me. To make the long story short: we did. We went again on a 10-day business trip which we spent every waking minute together (was overseas incl. a weekend, so a lot of work but also a lot of travelling time). By then I had asked to separate from my husband, who was in massive denial, but I could still see no real way out of the marriage, not least because I was not financially independent. The BM , when I brought up the “situation” during the trip, told me that the problem (between us) was that I was married and at another conversation he said he liked me but did not want to fall in love with me so as not to “do his head in”. And added that he could fall in love with me. Nothing sexual happened at the trip (he said he is not the type to sleep with a married woman and that he did not want to complicate my life, although he considered it), not even a kiss (though we hugged for a long time), but he was very persistent in getting to the bottom of my married life and financial dependence and gave me a lot of advice and a listening ear. He asked me whether I had a plan for the future and I said no. We had masses of fun the rest of the time, great conversations and laughs and this peace that descends when you are just with someone who is a lot like you and not much needs to be said the whole time.
Upon returning I missed him even more (and so did he) and kept in touch via emails (work) with a lot of flirting and a letter I sent telling him that I liked him . Because it occurred to me that I had not told him that explicitly at the trip adding that he is the catalyst for me ending my marriage. I also told him to tell me if he would rather be left alone... Anyway he sent another hidden message telling me not to forget him and said he liked the letter. And by the end of 2019 I asked to separate for the 3rd time from my husband and was very serious about it. Fast forward to 2020 first lockdown and I found myself alone in U.K. working and ex husband in his country with children. Because ex would not return, using lockdown as excuse and I had not consented to his staying there all the while we were seeing a marriage counselor (only so that he could explain to my ex that I am serious in my decision) and threatened to stay indefinitely there with children, I filed for divorce.
All this time I was in touch with the BM mostly via texts and DMs. He lives 100 miles away. He was and is very supportive, funny, nice, kind, warm, empathetic sending me self help meditation videos and nice music and lending a listening ear whenever I needed to as well as advice and insights from his own separation etc. Eventually, I told him I have feelings for him and should this be one sided, then he should just tell me to leave him alone once and for all, or wait for me. He never replied. We continued the DMing while I was going through separation shit storm and found a new job and made myself financially independent and I could finally move out (ex would not move out and although we are going through mediation he is still in denial...). All this time I did not call BM because a. I miss him too much after each call (last we spoke was October 2020 where he wanted to know how mediation is going), b. he seems very rules-oriented so I thought I should be on the “clear” and be properly separated before pursuing anything with him + lockdown restrictions and c. I am scared of the rejection or even worse losing touch with him. So, although he pushed me to face all my fears: facing the truth about my marriage, the financial abuse, the toxic environment my children were in, finding a good job that makes me happy, I cannot face the fear of picking up the phone, asking to meet and be told “that’s not what you think it is, I am just a friend”. This might all be in my head.
And the fear is not so much the rejection but losing him from my life altogether, even as a friend. Obviously, I have been out of the dating game for 20 years but I was never in it really, having gone from two long term relationships to another long term and then marriage. Also the fact that I can’t read whether there are cultural nuances I don’t get, also does not help. As in, are British men more reserved generally expecting the woman to make the decisive moves (like in 4 weddings and a funeral :-) )? He is shy and reserved and does get nervous initially when we speak (even face to face), yet he was not so shy eventually on the phone, or when we were on the trips once I showed him that I am generally laid back and have no big expectations or agenda. He opened up a fair bit about his separation, his children, his background, work, personal aspirations and a lot of anecdotes from his life that he normally keeps pretty private, I understand. There was a connection which was kept alive with the texting all this time. Whenever I text, he will reply very quickly and be nice and fun and make me laugh etc . What next? I can’t just stop and disappear like this- i have taken it too far. I know I felt elated these 10 days together (like I have not felt like this happy since my last serious relationship before marriage and it's not just "crush" as it's been two years now and the feeling changed from "crush" to something deeper last year). I want to give this a try but I am scared to pick up the phone and finally have this last (?) one conversation with him. Any thoughts?