If you had to start again after a refuge..

[FusionChefGeoff]

What would have made a huge difference to you?

Trying to support a local lady (no kids, don't really know the story but she's starting from scratch) and I have lots of household items she's said yes to but also happy to buy / donate specific items. She hasn't replied to my question if there was anything extra as I think she's too embarrassed/ doesn't want to seem cheeky / grabby.

I'm wondering if just cash is too patronising or helpful or an Amazon voucher maybe??

Don't overwhelm her.

She has been through a lot and has a lot to process.

I can see you want to help her and so I mean this with respect and kindness but this has to be about what is right for her and what she needs in her own time. It's not about you feeling that you have helped.

If she hasn't replied to your question, respect her and give her some space. She has a lot to think about and doesn't need to be making you feel OK.

Wee bag of groceries perhaps? Tea, kitchen roll, maybe a wee cake to celebrate her new home.

She may have a fear of feeling smothered or reliant on someone else again and perhaps scared that gifts will come with obligations (as any from an abusive partner would have).

So I would not go down the route of an amazon gift card. Just keep it to 'oh I have an extra/old one of those that just lying about' ect... just like a pal helping a pal.

How about a nice bunch of flowers and a welcome card.. After being in a refuge and being practicle and starting from scratch maybe something like flowers which is something nice just for her would be appreciated. A small kindness sometimes has the most impact

Coffee and a chat?

If you are giving her lots of things now, that's enough really.

Thanks all - I'll pick up a bunch of flowers and some cake on my way round. I don't know her very well but will try to leave an opportunity for a chat to happen without making her feel like she has to invite me in!

She might now have a vase. Plant maybe better.

Might not.

Can you say in what capacity you are helping her?

I'm just thinking if she doesn't know you very well she may not feel comfortable accepting things or having a chat with you.

I was in a shit situation many years ago. When I finally moved in to my own place the best gift was a box containing flowers , wine, tea bags , milk, bananas, cake , crisps and colouring books for DC .

The extra kitchen things - a cheese grater, sieve, colander, 3 new tea towels, giant box of Surf, Fairy, 1000 teabags, kitchen roll x3 pack, foil, cling film, sandwich bags, bin liners, scourers, dish cloths, sponges etc.
All these things cost SO MUCH and won't be in her general food bill, I can tell you. Each time she uses them she will think of you.
Go round Wilko or B&M with a large box in your trolley, and fill it.
She'll be massively grateful and will probably accept as it's not a glamorous or wasteful gift.
You're a very kind friend.

If she has kids - school uniform vouchers / shoes vouchers.

OP & you lovely lot,you have moved me to tears with your kind advice on this thread.
@Cantreasonwithunreasonable, great advice, please move in next door to me !

@Cantreasonwithunreasonable

The extra kitchen things - a cheese grater, sieve, colander, 3 new tea towels, giant box of Surf, Fairy, 1000 teabags, kitchen roll x3 pack, foil, cling film, sandwich bags, bin liners, scourers, dish cloths, sponges etc. All these things cost SO MUCH and won't be in her general food bill, I can tell you. Each time she uses them she will think of you. Go round Wilko or B&M with a large box in your trolley, and fill it. She'll be massively grateful and will probably accept as it's not a glamorous or wasteful gift. You're a very kind friend.

If she has kids - school uniform vouchers / shoes vouchers.

I really like this idea.

When you're dealing with a lot of shit and have little headspace left, it can be so exhausting to not have a bunch of basic essential items like those mentioned above.

Hi being a fella in a past similar position / set up. I was to proud a person to ask for help, and helped myself to get back on top ( it is possible if you have the drive ) . I would suggest moral / reassuring support tbh.

I think wanting to help a near stranger in this way is very commendable.

Having been in a similar position once, I would agree that someone to talk to is invaluable and the ideas are thoughtful but it must be on the other woman's terms.

What jumped out at me from the op is that the OP has already offered a loads of stuff from her own home and messaged asking what else she can provide. The other woman has not responded and the OP is asking what else she can do.

Just be mindful of her feelings on this.

If she is in a refuge, life has not been kind to her very recently. It can be hard to accept generosity in those circumstances. What she needs is time, space and to feel that she is being listened to and heard. Not that she needs to make a kind benefactor feel appreciated or good about themselves.

By not responding to the message, she has set her own boundary. Don't ignore it because you think you know best

@OldChinaJug

Don't overwhelm her.

She has been through a lot and has a lot to process.

I can see you want to help her and so I mean this with respect and kindness but this has to be about what is right for her and what she needs in her own time. It's not about you feeling that you have helped.

If she hasn't replied to your question, respect her and give her some space. She has a lot to think about and doesn't need to be making you feel OK.

This ^^ 100%

OP, you said........ She hasn't replied to my question if there was anything extra as I think she's too embarrassed/ doesn't want to seem cheeky / grabby.

So leave it now and she'll contact you if she needs to.

As well meaning as you no doubt are, she doesn't want to feel like your 'project'.

I have gone through this myself and remember how weird and lonely I felt once I left the safety of the refuge. Be consistent with your friendship is all I would say as its really overwhelming when you move to a property after having spent time at a refuge. I became increasingly lonely and vulnerable and had no friends in the are I moved to. My new neighbour gave me a pot of flowers and left it outside my door and I think that was the nicest thing I received, and I now pass this gesture on where I live.

I'm not sure how you know this woman, but try not to appear patronising or make her feel she owes you something because of your kindness. I would take round a carrier bag of basic cleaning products, toiletries and loo roll, and a potted plant with a note containing your phone number.

My son's friend was made homeless (not my story to tell) and when he got his studio flat aka bedsit, he was over the moon with our old TV, it was as if we had given him a million pounds.