Coparenting after Domestic Violence. Not coping.

[ChuffingHeck]

We’ve been separated 6 years and during our relationship my ex was violent towards me a number of times. I tried my hardest to keep a relationship between him and the kids because I felt it was best for them. I’m really kicking myself for this because now they adore him and I’m finding it really hard.

He was/is not abusive towards the children or obviously I would never have let him see them. My DC are 11 and 6 and the eldest child has SEN. They both love their dad and look forward to when he can bother himself to see them which is usually once every 4-6 weeks. He pays the bare minimum for them and does not ask me anything about them between their visits. I’m not even sure he knows what schools they go to. He is in contact with the eldest over WhatsApp calls on the iPad.

What I’m finding hard is that the eldest especially worships him. Thinks he is the best, most fun dad ever. It’s easy to be the fun parent when you don’t have to do any of the work and can just plan fun things for a couple of days a month.

He wants to FaceTime his dad most days at the moment and I’m finding the sound of my ex’s voice in my house every day so triggering and upsetting. It’s almost like he is here and it’s so intrusive.

Ex also tells the children things like it’s my fault they can’t do x y or z while they’re together because I’ve said no when actually all I’ve said is I’d like him to adhere to covid restrictions and not meet up with multiple households while it’s not allowed.

The kids are happy and that’s what I’m trying to hold on to but i most definitely am not. I know it’s about their right to a relationship with their father and that’s why I have tried to promote this but I hate that he is such a huge presence in my life still. I hate that he only has anything to do with the kids because I initially insisted that he should do and yet they worship him.

It feels like there is no justice. He has broken me and yet he can carry on as normal, playing Disney dad to his new partner.

I’m sorry this is so jumbled but I’m very upset.

Sorry you're having a tough time op.

All you can really do is shower them with love. And learn to say no. They don't have to facetime every day. Sometimes your children will get mad at you if you say no but that's all part of parenting. Try not to take it personally.

Have set days and times they can phone dad. Eg: tursday and Friday night at 7. Just tell them those are the times. If daddy doesnt answer, they can try once more that same night, if he still doesnt answers, 'he is busy so we'll call on friday again like usual'.

You need to break the habbit of letting them call every day. You dont need to give a reason. Just 'because mummy says so'.

Get tough. You are entitled to protect your space and peace of mind. Even if you get made out to be the bad guy, your kids will always love you.

Thank you so much for replying @Wanderlusto.

I’m trying to implement set days but my eldest seems to struggle with this as it’s a “new” rule. People tell me that one day the kids will see him for what he is but the eldest is very emotionally immature due to his ASD and I don’t think he ever will. He takes everything at face value and his dad is very good at charming people.

I love them so much but I can’t give them the constant fun days out their dad does and it just leaves me feeling so empty.

He's still being abusive through your children. He's not a good Dad. So sorry you're dealing with this. No advice, but much sympathy!

I don’t believe he’s a good dad either. He plays the victim and says it hurts him that we can’t be friends because he’s changed and he wants me to see that. I never want to see him again. I’m no longer afraid of him but I utterly despise him.

He gives them fun days out but that’s it. When it was one of the DC’s birthdays he rang me the week before to ask what he should get them because he “didn’t really know them that well”.

And yet they completely love him and talk about him all the time. It kills me. But i suppose that’s my consequence for having children with him. I just wish he would go away.

I'm so sorry. Why is it when you do the best in a bad situation people take the piss. You clearly want whats best for your dcs and I'm sorry your ex is still a pest in your life. Like other pp said it is not the norm for him to phone everyday. Have set days and time for when your dcs speak to their dad. Don't let your ex phone everyday put you foot down and put a stop to it. As for the fun times you can create fun for yourself then your dcs will pick up on it. Their dad will see that to. Sounds that he is desperately trying to be better then tho

Would your son use a headset (earphones+mic) to talk to his dad on the ipad? That way you’d only have to hear his half of the conversation and not your ex’s voice.