40something and still find friendships challenging

[OrangeSunset]

I'm feeling a bit low about female friendships, think I just need some wise mumsnet advise. I'm not completely sure where to start though, so please excuse any rambling.

I've never found it particularly easy to make friends although I do have a few close friends. I live in a small-ish place, and a few of us formed a large group when kids started school etc. Over the years, closer relationships have formed within that group, and I'm much more on the periphery. The 'rule of six' has really bought that home with various things going on that I'm not invited to. For balance, it's not just me who isn't invited, but that said I know the other 'non-invitees' have plenty of other circles and close relationships, so maybe it bothers them less.

But the paradox is, I'm terrible at making an effort. So, on a rational level I know that others make much more effort, and you reap what you sow. The issue that I think I really need to fix, is that I hold back from making an effort on the basis that it will be unwanted. That is, I don't really see why anyone would want to be friends with me, which prevents me from making an effort. Now, with the core groups forming and me not part of that, the narrative in my head is 'well, of course they don't want to be friends with you'.

Ugh. And the bit that is starting to bother me, is that my poor friendship skills are depriving DD of a 'template' for her own relationships, and I worry that I am just repeating the cycle for her.

Ultimately, I can see what the issue is - how do i fix it? I need to go easier on myself, but how? Is it really a case of 'reaching out' and having positive experiences and then gaining momentum from there?

Or, how do I make peace with the fact that my social skills are a bit lacking and be content with that?

I need to do one or the other, as this is really getting me down.

I am pondering lots of the same issues!! And killing threads today like an expert today so apologies if that happens here!

Any tips on where / how to make those initial connections, for when we have sorted our heads out?

Like some others have said, can you join a group where you have to go each week, so it's harder to talk yourself out of it? A walking group is a great idea because you are doing something incase there are awkward silences!

Just coming back to this one. Still flipping between the rational and the irrational!

I do definitely make the effort - organise things for the group/suggest things/contribute. I think it's the core who have formed and who seem to find it all really easy that I am struggling with - that feeling of being left out. Ironically, one of those who is in that group I know has talked before about how horrible it is to feel left out - I honestly think she puts most of her effort in simply not to feel left out.

The earlier poster who talked about social media, I definitely agree that can contribute horribly and I'm going to give it a rest. It's not that any folk I know are on there posting about their fabulous times, it's just people in general on there having a lovely time. So silly and such a waste of my time!

@Ginandtonic4all honestly I don't think I'm the person to give tips on that initial effort. But picking up on what others said, it seems to be about being brave (!) and if you find common ground with someone, suggesting a coffee or similar.

@OrangeSunset I think you are right. And the dreaded hobbies. I just don't and never have had hobbies. I like people, being social and being part of a group. Not easy to find a hobby group that just does that!!!