Don't really want my friend back

[puginamug]

I fell out with a friend last year.

I promise this is not connected to the other thread about the friend who isn't forgiven!

I was very good friends with someone for a few years. We saw each other and socialised regularly, messaged every day etc.

I went through a very very traumatic time and during that time she wasn't helpful. She was just incapable of being supportive as everything had to be about her. She said some very intensive and just clumsy things and I was really hurt.

Over months the messages got fewer and fewer and in the end I kept her informed but she didn't do anything really to help.

I had a lot of other friends who really supported me and I'm eternally grateful to them.

It all came to a head last year when I asked for some help with something and she wasn't very forthcoming.

I told her that I felt let down by her and that she hadn't been supportive.

She got very angry and defensive and basically made lots of excuses and denials. I told her that I couldn't deal with her feelings, I was having too difficult a time with my own. I needed her to be supportive and not make it about her.

She basically told me she would give me some space.

Since then she's made a couple of attempts to get in touch. Sent a few messages and social media comments. But she still hasn't apologised or made any attempt to acknowledge why I was so hurt.

I don't really want to reignite the friendship. She's not a bad person, but I'm a different person now and need different things from my friends. Things can never go back to the way they were, and I'm not sure what she expects.

I don't know what to do, we have lots of mutual friends and it's been easier to avoid her in lockdown but not so easy once everything gets going again.

I don't want to be mean to her but I'd rather she either addressed what the problem was and apologised, or accepted that the friendship is over.

Just be civil when you see her; don’t reply to any messages and she’ll realise the friendship is done

Some people are nice to hang out with but cannot be supportive when the going gets tougher. Others are there for the long-haul and the urgent 3am call. Others actually revel in their friends' drama and seem disappointed when things are going well.

I have now figured out which of my friends to place in the first few buckets. And which are in the last bucket and should be treated with immense caution.

But I am happy having some people in the first and some people in the second. In the same way I have only a finite amount of time to dedicate to being there for 5-10 very close friends and am more of a fun, friendly (I like to think!) acquaintance for a slightly wider group of people.

This is a long-winded way of saying: does it have to be "close close friend" or "nothing at all?" - could you not just put her in the first bucket? May be worth considering if worried about consequences of cutting it off entirely.

And final thing on this: I have found that some people (and friendships) move between the first and second categories over the course of the years. Which doesn't mean they cannot switch back (depending on the situation).

I find that people are happy to have me support them in tough times, but they don’t want to reciprocate.

Yes I definitely have friends in both of those two buckets. I just feel, at the moment at least, that it was too dramatic a shift from pne to the other. And I'm not going to be able to go back to 'fun' friends for a long time.

I have found what FenceSplinters said. Sometimes, friends turn out to be one way traffic unfortunately and then I have difficulty considering them as friends.
I understand it’s hard to step back, but be civil, keep it to small talk. Hugs xxxx

Yes thank you, I shall remain polite for now.

I think the issue is that she thinks she should be in the 'supportive' category and is angry/annoyed that she isn't.

She was angry I was hurt by the insensitive things she said or did and thinks I'm being unfair, rather than listening to what I need.

If she was genuinely sorry for what had happened it would be different but she's not, she thinks she's given me enough time to get over it and go back to normal.