sexual dissatisfaction in marriage following affair (mine)

[darlink]

Brief details.
Have been married ten years, 3 kids.
I had a affair 6 months ago , lasted two months before getting found out.
I regret it very much.

My marriage was awful. Very little communication and faults on both sides.

The affair is over . I loved him a lot.

I want to get back with dh and a solid life with us and thekids.

Dh is making lots of effort to make things better and so am I.

BIG problem with sex.

With my lover it was wonderful beause of the emotions involved.

With dh my heart is not in it and every time we make love I am reminded of my lover and feel very sad.

Does anyone have advice?

It sounds like you are holding a very large, candle for your lover still & imo, until you have dealt with this, you won't be able to move on, therefore you won't be able to enjoy your dh as you feel you should.

Why did you choose your dh over your lover? If you loved him that much & your marriage was such an awful place to be, why choose your old life & not the new 'exciting life' that you & your lover had/could have had?
Was the affair sex really that much better because of emotions, or was it because it was illicite & exciting & dangerous & new?

The only advice I can offer is to give yourself more time. And to stop thinking of your previous lover as some kind of wonderful person, because if he was truely THAT wonderful he wouldn't have had an affair with a married woman (and yes, I KNOW it takes 2 & all that) and also you would have chosen him, not dh.

There will be many wounds on both sides & expecting it all to be wonderful after only 6 months is asking alot. But you may have to concede that this is all there is now, you may have caused unrepairable damage.

I have to go out now, but will be back later.

Hiya, I too had very brief affair from Dec last when we had our kitchen done for about 3months when it sort of fizzled out due to work committments.

I have been married 17 hrs, 3 kids and was feeling at a low ebb, he (lover) made me feel good about myself and although we did not have sex (just sexual contact) it was nice.

I enjoyed it while it lasted and still see him about but theres nothing there, I am working full-time and have learnt to forget him. He was married too but it takes two.

Op - if you had not been found out would you still be seeing your lover? woudl things have ever progressed to a point where you would have left yoru DH?

you need to decide whether you are with your Dh because you love him and wish to be in yoru marriage or if its just easier and less embarassing then divorce.

if its the latter then im sorry things will never improve.
you need to decide what you want and stick to it.

mummytoLuke - your post made me lol. it sounded as though your affair had something to do with you getting a new kitchen.

blimey!! what do you get for a new bathroom!!

Hahaha no, we just 'clicked' I think, he did a bit of flirting just for fun before anything happened, I'd taken time off work as a childminder due to the kitchen being done as a result of my eldest son burning worksurface with hot frying pan!

He was good looking and as I said was going through a bad patch with hubby. Thankfully we are happy again, I think it was him who put the excitement back into sex, it was getting stale and boring. I am on medication for underactive thyroid gland and it has an effect on libido but as I have to take it, I explained to hubby he'll have to put up with me not wanting sex sometimes.

...and to reply with what you get for a new bathroom, don't know, not tried and never will!!!

sandcastles you are completely correct but it's more like an olympic torch.
Why not chose new lover? beause much to my surprise when I got found ut my husband unexpectedly forgave me, accepted much of the blame and begged another chnce to undo his part in the damage of the previous few years.
The other man is married with chidren too andhis wife did the same. We decided we owed it to our families to give staying with them the best shot.

Yes the sex was better because of the emotions. The illicitness was not a plus point, nor the danger element

Mamazon yes we wouild still be seeing each other and yes a planned exit was a possibility.
If anyone can add to this I would be really grateful

Sandcastle I am wondering if you have personal experience? You are very wise

Hmmmm. Have you tried the Relate thing, to talk over your emotions - either alone or with DH? Are you REALLY decided to give your marriage another go? I think long term love is an act of will as much as anything else. You might still be able to find some joy/stability in your marriage but you might need some outside help. It sounds like you are still deeply emotionally involved with your other man.

mum2luke - medication for underactive thyroid DOES NOT reduce libido. having an underactive thyroid reduced libido. but if you are on medication that shouldnt be the case

sorry, just had to correct

darlink, the sex with your lover was probably good because it was new, exciting, dangerous. 2 months isnt long and the lust would have still been very fresh. after time it would have gone the path of all long term sexual feelings. you need to find the spark again with your dh. maybe relate is a good place to start. is dh up for that?

good luck

I think thats what I meant! I had a blood test to see if my thyroxine was the right dose and it was.

Everything is fine now with dh, I sometimes see him out and about as he lives in the same area and he doesn't blank me, he did say when I saw him when I was out with friends that he missed me but I said I didn't want to start again.

thanks everyone.
yes he is up for going to relate andyes i am still emotionally involved with other man