Trying to make marriage work after being seperseperated ested

[Lounew]

I seperated from my husband a year ago and it's been the hardest year of my life he was violent to me and I know everyone will.say we are better off apart but I've tried this and I am so miserable I love him so much and know we could make things work please any advice appreciated and I know some will not understand

You separated at a time when the world went nuts
Any support services available to you were stopped , contact with friends and family became impossible and any fun events or facilities like the gym etc all closed
He was violent . Full stop .
You are worth more and life will get better .. try to access some counselling , tell friends and family you need to start enjoying life again
Plan a holiday , new wardrobe .. have fun ... good luck

That isn't love it's co-dependency.

Get counselling and support. Loving someone who is violent towards you is is not a healthy or happy way to live.

Those of us who understand how you're feeling also know just how monumentally bad an idea it would be to get back together with him.

You need to seek some counselling for you, just you alone. I always think that counselling after leaving an abusive relationship is a bit like deprogramming after leaving a cult. It helps you realise you haven't seen the wood for the trees in ages, your reality wasn't real and your boundaries have been skewed beyond all that is reasonable.

Codependency is real and toxic. You've finally broken free, don't go back.

Do you have kids?

Thanks every one I am having councelling and it is helping but the feelings after 25 years don't just go away yes their was violent but also many happy memorys I know the relationship wasn't healthy but keep thinking it could be . I think the timing as been hard but I do have people around me but does not fill the space he as left .Yes I have 1 child

@Lounew

Thanks every one I am having councelling and it is helping but the feelings after 25 years don't just go away yes their was violent but also many happy memorys I know the relationship wasn't healthy but keep thinking it could be . I think the timing as been hard but I do have people around me but does not fill the space he as left .Yes I have 1 child

This is going to sound very harsh but you need to hear it. If you have a child, you have a responsibility to them before anything else. To restart a relationship with a violent man would be unthinkably selfish. Think about not just the danger in which that places children both emotionally and potentially physically in the present, but also the blueprint you are giving them when it comes to relationship dynamics. You would be letting them and yourself down if you went back to this man.

And as I don't know how old your child is I just wanted to add that even if your child is now an adult - the message to them would still be the same. That it's normal and acceptable for relationships to be violent, unhealthy and unhappy. That it's normal and acceptable for men to treat women like shit emotionally and physically. Don't make that the legacy you leave your child.

I love him so much and know we could make things work

Stop lying to yourself. A healthy relationship is impossible with a violent abuser.

No. It will always be toxic and abusive. Put your child first and protect them.

I can't believe you would even consider moving your child back into an abusive situation because you don't want to deal with your emotions.

Imagine this was your child posting. Would you really encourage him/her to return to an abuser?

You’ve already been through the hard part of separating. Look forward not back.

I understand all.your comments but belive me it's very different when its your life your talking about .

I understand, like many others, so I know going back to him would be the biggest mistake of your life. And would damage your child.
Have you heard of the freedom programme? It’s really great and might help X

@Lounew

I understand all.your comments but belive me it's very different when its your life your talking about .

Some of us have been the child in this situation. You don't seem to be acknowledging the message you give your child (whether they would still be living with you or they are now young adults) by reuniting with your abuser.

Can you see how damaging that is?

I’d suggest waiting until this time next year. Give yourself a chance. At least come out of lockdown and try when the world is more normal and you can go out and rebuild your life

@Lounew

I understand all.your comments but belive me it's very different when its your life your talking about .

I know, I've been there. 30 years. I had happy memories too but I see them now as a sham, they are just the bits that keep you hanging on so he can keep abusing you.

What advice is it you want here? How to get back with him and for him to act as a proper man and stop abusing you? You won't get it because it won't happen. He will probably become even more abusive because you have taken him back and he will see you as deserving of a beating, as he obviously already does.

Do you want your child to see you being abused until they leave home and go into an abusive relationship? Because that's what will happen. I'm not saying these things to make you feel bad, I'm speaking from experience, mine and thousands of other survivors, I just want you to try and move your focus away from this man and onto more positive things - life is so much better without abuse in it

@Lounew

I understand all.your comments but belive me it's very different when its your life your talking about .

Sorry, what did you expect us to say? "Oh cool, go back to a violent man, maybe he'll only beat you up a little bit, sounds lovely!". I'm sorry to be harsh, but if he is violent now, he will be violent in the future. If you go back to him he will know he can get away with hurting you and he may well resent you for the year apart. I wouldn't fancy my chances. I hope you can find some support and counselling and stay away from him. You love him, but that doesn't change that he was violent - there is never any need for violence.

I have seen enough domestic abuse to know it won't get better if you go back to him. I really do wish you good luck and strength in your new life without an abusive man, you deserve peace and contentment - not fear and pain.

It's not love, it's addiction and the familiar.

You're so used to the ups and downs and constantly thinking about what he wants, how to manage him, that there's a massive hole where he was.

You have to learn to fill it with something healthy for you. It's hard, but it is doable. You just need to stay away and keep staying away every day until he's no longer the first thing you think about.

Thank you that is really good advice

This isn't love, it's trauma bonding. Please read up on the subject and stay away from your abuser.

Thank you everybody I know what I need to do .

A bit of a tangent but my father was very violent towards my mother. My siblings and I all remember the various times we left in the middle of the night or saw her bandaged or on various states of healing. And we've sat through stories of the injuries he inflicted on her, either told by her or told by family members/friends.

The marriage ended because he married someone else.

It makes all of us so angry to hear her say she should have tried harder to be with him. Even today.

I wouldn't be willing to risk him being violent again towards you.

No one on their right mind is going to give you advise on how to get back with your abuser. I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through it, but the only way forward is to move on without him.