Bit worried about a friend...

[ArtisanBreadBin]

He had a whirlwind romance with someone he met in the states in Nov 19, went back to the states twice between meeting her and proposing in Feb 20. Both quite high profile with about 150k insta followers between them and posted this all over their profiles so
It was v public.

Anyway, then Covid happened and he's not seen her since Feb last year.

When he met her he pretty much cut contact with me and our other circle of friends which I kind of understand, I'd helped him through some PTSD stuff over the previous couple of years and we spoke most days before this. I get that he needed to concentrate on his new relationship so felt a bit "discarded" but I have a decent circle of friends.

Now he's drifted back to wanting to talk all of the time and messaging etc. I have no romantic notions for this bloke and the way he's treated his previous long term girlfriend has made me question how he managed to propose so quickly . I do still worry about his PTSD though.

How easy is it to maintain a super long distance relationship via FaceTime, with someone you've met 4 times? How much has he revealed about his past and the way his PTSD manifests (extreme anger). How much support can she give him remotely?

What is going on here? I should probably stop worrying but I'd assumed she would take on the support role as they're planning to get married. He doesn't actually talk about her at all so I don't know what's going on.

Just mixed up thoughts really, helping him takes it out of me and I suspect I'll get discarded again once travel picks back up. But on the other hand I worry!!

Not really sure what it is you are worried about or asking about?

I guess, do I want to let him become dependent on me for support again? Should I?

Worried his mental health will deteriorate

No.

Maybe its harsh but I epuldnt be having anything to do with a man who for ANY reason is dealing with extreme anger.

You cant even call him a friend anyway considering how easily he cut you out when he found a new fancy woman. Friends dont do that.

He sounds nothing short of a flaky, fake, angry energy vampire. Tell him to away and whistle.

Also, you know which proposes to people they barely know after 5 minutes? Narcissists and similar. Coincidentally, they also like to blame mental health issues rather than take accountability for their shitty personalities. So be aware, that could be the case here.

But either way, run.

Also, you arent a therapist. Its isbt your job to help him through ptsd. Nor is it the girlfriends.

I know someone who did the same though spent more time in the states than the person mentioned, ie two to three weeks and she came over here. They got engaged at the end of 2019 and he last went there February 2020 for a couple of weeks, was home before lockdown.

I have no idea what is happening now. They are still in touch of course but it's hardly the same. She freaks out every so often occasionally, accusing him of all sorts of things he hasn't done and will not do.

It's certainly a trying time.

Is he actually getting treatment for his PTSD? Because it's not your job, nor his girlfriend's to deal with it.

You need to signpost him to therapy, not become his support human. EMDR is supposed to be good for PTSD. Do not let him depend on you, you're not actually helping, you're enabling.

Thank you. This is all kind of confirming what I knew but needed to hear.

@ArtisanBreadBin

I guess, do I want to let him become dependent on me for support again? Should I?

I don't think you should let ANYONE become "dependent" on you except for your children.

Would you ever feel like you could depend on him for something useful?

Hell no. He would say I could but I know I couldn't. He spends too much time thinking about himself to be relied on.

Tbh I find it kind of worrying that you were taking it for granted that his gf or yourself should take up a support role to the extent he's dependent. He needs to take responsibility for his own MH not plonk it on the shoulders of the nearest woman. It's frightening to think he has extreme anger outbursts but relies on other people to manage him.

Do you often find yourself in the rescuer role to friends or partners? If you do, you might want to work out why and if it is a healthy dynamic for you.

That's a good point @category12

I don't think I've ever found myself in the position previously or since. I definitely wouldn't describe myself as a rescuer. Hmm. One to think about.