How do I stand up for myself and not engage with negative behaviour?

[Swipeleftagain]

I've had a really rough few years but I'm coming out of the other side. I'm trying to rebuild my confidence and do things differently so I don't make the same mistakes again. I just want peace and calm and as little stress as possible but life doesn't always make that easy!

I've got into a situation where I've inadvertently offended a close friend and I don't know the best way to deal with it. I've apologised but we're not speaking now and it's likely to make things awkward with our wider circle of friends.

She's done this a lot over the years, she has a way of making me feel like a bad friend and turning things round to be my fault when I don't always think they are. I wouldn't put up with this from many people but for some reason she knows the buttons to press and I don't know how to stick up for myself.

I really want to find the best way to handle this so it doesn't keep happening but she just makes me feel like I did years ago at school when I'd try to stand up to the mean girls who always managed to twist things and influence other people 🙁

If this were a partner, we’d be calling him abusive. Not speaking to you is her punishing you. Do you need a ‘friend’ like this?

You are a nice kind person who has inadvertently offended a friend and apologised

Nothing more for you to do

The group should stay out of it snd won't hate you unless you are a horrible person

You need to be tough, one apology is enough , even good friends make mistakes if dhevus your friend she will accept snd move on

Thank you, I guess what I’m asking though is how do I stop this happening? She wouldn’t do this to our other friends so why me? I always seem to come across people like this and I’m so tired of it.

@Swipeleftagain

Thank you, I guess what I’m asking though is how do I stop this happening? She wouldn’t do this to our other friends so why me? I always seem to come across people like this and I’m so tired of it.

You stop going back for more from someone who treats you badly.

Maybe one chance and they're out.

You don't have to make a big deal out of it, you just don't invest in them and keep them at arm's length, smile and act civil in group settings and otherwise don't engage.

As you've apologised and she's ignoring you, it sounds like she expects you to continue making it up to her. Is this what normally happens, you desperate to get the friendship back on track and her deciding whether or not you've danced to her tune enough?

How did u offend her?

I'm not sure how you can say you've offended her, albeit by accident but then are annoyed when she won't accept an apology and have turned it around on her??
A good friend once inadvertently called me fat after I'd suffered from an eating disorder. She was mortified and apologised. I had a choice to forgive her or not. I'd have been within my rights to not speak to her permanently let alone just for a short time.

She has a right not to forgive you even if you've said sorry. Give her some space but perhaps respect the fact you both have a right to what happens next

No I do get that, it’s just that this isn’t the first time it’s happened and it always seems to be my fault.

I offended her by not sharing some good news because it came at a time when things were a bit tricky for her and I thought it would be tactless. Unfortunately she’s interpreted that as me being ‘weird’ and thinking I’m better than her which I don’t really understand.

Ah, she's a bitch.

Just step back from her and don't bother anymore. I agree with category12.

You smile politely, make small talk in groups and give her no opportunity to put you down again. I'd just ignore the situation. If she brings it up simply invest in some non committal phrases such as
It's a shame you feel like that
Yes, you said
Oh dear
Sorry to hear that

Don't give her anything to get hold of. She's decided to have nothing more to do with you and isn't speaking. I'd be bloody grateful and accept that. She doesn't get to then change her mind and expect to be friends again.

She's being petty and projecting her negative thoughts onto you.

She doesn't sound like a good friend if she's making these accusations when she could just give you a chance to explain why you didn't let her know instead.

You've apologised, if she chooses not to talk to you then that's fine. Leave her to it.

It keeps happening to you because you let it. You wouldn't stay with a partner who did this.

Your actions around not telling her your news wasn't born out of malice, it was down out of kindness.

Ahhh having read your response, I think her reaction is over the top and you've done your bit.

Just leave her to it and perhaps she'll come round. Perhaps you could text explaining it came from a place of good intentions but I wouldn't break my back. You've tried, perhaps the friendship has run its course

Ask yourself why you want to be friends with someone who treats you this way? She doesnt see you as a friend, she sees you as someone to step on in order to make herself feel good. She is exactly like a schoolyard bully. Because she is one. You are not her friend, you are her victim. Stop apologising to her, block her and cut her out if your life.

These sorts of people are everywhere. Some of us attract them more than others and that can't be helped. But you can control who you KEEP in your life. Never keep frenemies. They do not want good things for you. That is not a friend.

Just be absolutely truthful and honest. If she tries to make it awkward among your friendship group, just speak up. If she has a sly dig, speak up.
Just say "I upset X because I didn't tell her about first. She's still pissed off" Put it all back on her.
Shrug, smile, practice.
She can only make things "difficult" if you let her!

You know why she's really annoyed? Because something good happened to you. And instead of celebrating your good news and being happy for you, she's taking the shine off your good news by making you feel shit.

I would distance myself from her tbh. She sounds attention seeking and jealous.

When something good happens to my friends I am happy for them, regardless of when they tell me.

I have a friend who isn't as extreme as your friend but our relationship is very much about her. I am friends with her because I have fun with her and she has been there for me.

She has been a good friend too but I’m tired of thinking things are fine then having a remark I made weeks ago thrown back at me.

It’s actually me who stopped the conversation, it was getting so ridiculously passive aggressive - her last text was along the lines of ‘don’t feel bad, I’ll get over it’ when I’m not sure what there is to get over. Stepping back is the only way I know how to deal with it, it gets to a point where I just can’t hear any more about what a shit friend I am whatever the reason is this time.

She’s one of those people who insist on interpreting other people’s actions in the worst possible way, even when they’ve been told their interpretation is wrong and apologised to.

You’re not being weird. She is.

Take her at her word. Don’t feel bad.

And look for new friends that assume others are acting from best possible motives rather than a “friend” who thinks the worst of you.

She is the shit friend. You don't need this in your life. You aren't the one who should worry about changing. That isn't normal in a friendship.