Am I being over sensitive?

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My husband has a habit of making jokes that he thinks are funny and I think are just mean. Here are a couple of examples in the last two days.

I was ordering something for the house on Amazon and asked if he thought the model I had picked looked okay. He said “But what you want, but it had better not be crap like the shoes you bought ds or the mouse you bought that didn’t work.” Apparently, this was a joke.

Today I came in with some soft furnishings for the house (I’m really trying to pick it up, we’ve spent nothing on it for years and now have a tiny bit of money). He’d looked at them before I got them and said they looked nice. When I put them out, and asked him what he thought, he said “That looks shit.” I said I could take them back. He said, “yeah, save us some money.” I got upset and said, “Take them back yourself” and was again told it had been a joke. Apparently since he said they looked nice when i ordered them, I should have known this. He also said he was using a jokey tone of voice. We’ve been married a long time and I can’t spot this tone of voice.

Apparently, at his work people talk to each other like that all the time and I am just being over sensitive. I think he’s not funny at all when he’s being like that and should just try responding with something nice instead of trying to be funny in a mean way.

I thought jokes were supposed to be funny? his are not funny so they are digs directed at you which he tries to minimise by calling them jokes. Tell him its not funny and you don't appreciate it

I do think it’s possible for someone to be over sensitive yes.
Like getting upset over a genuine opinion or taking a comment personally when there is absolutely no indication that it was intended that way.

In your examples though it doesn’t sound like you are over sensitive. It sounds like your DH has a crap sense of humour and is mistaking being a pisstaking tosser with “banter”.

Banter is good fun when every one is in on the joke and it is give and take and there are no personal digs or underhand comments / passive aggressive undertones.

It doesn’t sound like banter to me, sounds like he is either deeply unfunny and confused over what banter actually is.
Or he is actually a bit mean and enjoys making sly digs and then gaslighting you to believe it’s all in your head.

Next time I would say right in the moment “oh was that a joke - wasn’t funny / didn’t get the punchline” and walk away.
If he can’t have a serious discussion then I simply wouldn’t ask his opinion or include him in any decision making.

Dressing constant criticism up as “funny” or “a joke” is a red flag for me

No you’re not insensitive. Constant “banter” really grinds you down IMO.

Well they arent 'jokes' they are just nastiness.

How is it funny to constantly make out that your partner has shit taste? And then tell them everyone else would be ok with someone taking to them like that? Gaslighting much.

I'm sure most people would tell him to take a long walking a short pier.

Narcissists like to bring people down and then call it a joke and claim you are over sensitive. Normal people don't. Normal people don't take joy from being arseholes and gaslighting people.

So he falls squarely into the 'not a nice human being' camp. Not the sort of toxic person I'd want to be around tbh.

*walk of a short pier

They’re not jokes and nothing about it is funny. I doubt there is a jokey voice, he’s lying to you because he wants to be able to make constant digs and insults and not apologise when you question him on it. He’s making his nastiness your fault because he’d rather spend his taking pot shots at you.

Really unpleasant.

Is he ever kind, thoughtful, complimentary, loving?

The first one wouldn’t bother me but the second one I think was really rude. Would annoy me too

He's just being horrible after you've gone to the effort of making your home nice, he doesn't appreciate you. If this is ongoing behaviour, Chuck him out and enjoy all the efforts to yourself.

He is sometimes thoughtful and can be funny, though definitely has a tosser streak. At the moment, he is suffering from an illness that makes him grumpy (think like gout) and he is not usually someone who is unwell. We're arguing constantly and its hard work.

The first wouldn’t concern me at all but the second would

It doesn't matter if people talk like this to each other at work - you don't like it and this should stop. Some men who are immature or badly socialised with women speak in this way. Everything has to be a 'jokey' put down in order to avoid real intimacy and show show how macho and tough they all are. It's quite an indirect way of talking, and it really doesn't help in a relationship where's there's a lot of tension about all sort of issues and allows someone to disguise real grievances or even asshole behaviour under the disguise of 'jokes'.

Your relationship is not the time nor the place for it and he should know that.

If he is currently unwell and in pain, I'd cut him s bit if slack - for now.

But once he's well, I'd make it very clear that I'm not a fan of stupid, mean-spirited comments. And when that doesn't stop him, I'd take him to the fucking cleaners. Just be relentless. "Sorry DH, was that you trying to make a joke? Oh it was? Right. Could you explain to me what you thought was funny about it ? Right... You think it's funny when you say something that you know someone else will find hurtful. Have I got that right ? Because honestly I'm struggling here. I've never found it amusing to upset people, and I'm finding it a bit disturbing that you do. I mean I've always known you're below average intelligence, obviously, but not really to this extent." Then I'd be silent while he took the huff, then at an appropriate time I'd say "Omg DH, why are you so over sensitive? Can't you take a joke?"

You might want to stop at that point, personally I'd finish with "Not so funny now is it cuntyballs" but then I'm a sadist.

Unfortunately, he probably would find that funny and then take it as the green light to continue with his banter.

My problem is that I react to these comments as though they are serious before I realise its one of his misguided jokes. By the time I get to the point where I should be calmly telling him he's not at all funny, I'm hurt and upset.

What you’ve written sounds like him trying to undermine you. Does he do that a lot? It is the classic thing where somebody says something nasty and undermining, then when challenged tries to pass it off as a joke. Jokes are supposed to make the other person laugh though, and by no means were you intended to laugh.

He sounds like a bit of a dick, and a not very funny dick at that.

How are they 'misguided jokes' though op?
Jokes are funny. He's just being a dick.

And if you upset your wife with your attempts at 'joking' (actually just thinly vailed contempt) then surely you appologise and stop doing it? Not tell her she is wrong for not finding it funny and gaslight her. And repeat similar behaviour over and over again.

Stop making excuses for someone who is being a prat. Listen to your gut reaction,its the right one.