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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Spineless partner - happy to settle for this attitude

19 replies

hp655 · 08/04/2021 12:50

I love my partner very much but sometimes he is just so spineless with his family and friends it hurts me. Let me state his divorce was not because of me, he had separated before we met but his adult kids treat him with no respect. They have had lives of being able to have anything and everything they want, they were spoiled, so much so they got into debt and had to re-mortgage several times over due to mis management of his money and keeping everyone happy with big holidays and paying for rent on properties for them to name a few things I have discovered.
My problem is now he is with me, this is still happening not to a great extent but they seem to think they can carry on as before. For example they get him to arrange for repairs on their property with the expectation he will pay for this for them because he uses his friends to do this. This has happened a few times and I know he has paid behind my back from his own money as I have seen the texts. I think it’s great he can do this for them but he doesn’t communicate this with me because he knows I think they should be independent now. If I were to raise it he’d just shut me down and lie he doesn’t pay for anything. I think it’s the undisclosed that bothers me more than anything. I think he’s kind of paying to keep them on side, keep them happy. I really wouldn’t mind but the other thing is their ingratitude and the way they treat him is appalling. My own kids are around the same age and I never get asked for anything but then again they have been raised differently without the sense of entitlement. Anyone else come across this?

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/04/2021 13:09

How long have you been together? It’s clear that, however dysfunctional and manipulative you think his DC are, he’s been happy to enable / placate them for a very long time and it’s incredibly unlikely that you’re going to be able to change the behaviour or their relationships now. Ultimately, he can remortgage his house and give them as much money as he wants, it’s his choice. Clearly it’s something which is going to cause a lot of disagreements between the two of you going forward, and you obviously wouldn’t want to share a lifestyle or finances. If you’ve not been together long (and, tbh, even if you have) then I’d really be reconsidering the relationship because you don’t have compatible outlooks and you have a lot of arguments ahead of you.

OldEvilOwl · 08/04/2021 13:17

Do you live together?

Original poster

hp655 · 08/04/2021 13:18

@ComtesseDeSpair

We have been together 2.5 years not long I know. I think it's the way he just accepts this is how he can expect to be treated and it's not normal to me that he gives them his all and get nothing but bad treatment back. We don't argue about it ever, it's just I am aware of it happening but we don't talk about it. I find their attitude so toxic. I don't know if I can carry on with someone who just rolls over each time just to keep them happy.

OP posts:

Original poster

hp655 · 08/04/2021 13:20

@OldEvilOwl

Do you live together?

Yes, we do

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/04/2021 13:26

"We don't argue about it ever, it's just I am aware of it happening but we don't talk about it".

And that is precisely why you do not argue about it. An argument would ensue if you did raise the subject. He would also likely shut down any such conversation very quick by stating that he either does not want to talk about it or that they are still his kids.

You need to remember too that he is acting and has acted towards them of his own free will here. His overriding guilt when it comes to them has driven all this within him and has thus overcompensated. That decision of his has not lead these people into respecting him more, infact the opposite has happened.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. He won't likely change his ways and you can only change how you react to him. Is this really what you want from a relationship after a mere 2.5 years?.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/04/2021 13:28

I think you’re right to question whether this will work and from what you’ve said you’re very different people, with different parenting styles and outlooks and you’re probably incompatible. That’s sad but better to be honest about it now and walk away rather than letting resentment build. It’s a bad sign you know he’d lie to you. That’s not someone I’d want to be with. And if can’t respect him you’ll find that eats away at your attraction to him, if it hasn’t already.

autumnalrain · 08/04/2021 13:51

I can see how it would be frustrating to witness but at the end of the day it’s his money and his kids so he can do as he pleases. If I were you I would try to detach as much as possible and let him learn from his own mistakes.

Original poster

hp655 · 08/04/2021 13:52

I think it's like some sort of abuse and it really upsets me to witness it happening, they really don't deserve him.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/04/2021 14:01

They probably don’t. But he’s enabled them to be like this.

Does him giving them money impact on your household finances? If he’s paying for repairs on their homes is or leaning yours short or are you having to pay more to compensate?

Original poster

hp655 · 08/04/2021 14:04

Yes I agree he's enabled them like this, no it doesn't impact but it does make me resentful as he has reduced his hours since lockdown and they don't think they are earning more than him these days!

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/04/2021 14:05

Well, long term you will always be lower in the pecking order. If you mesh your finances they will benefit from you too!

This might be the year you decide whether or not you can put up with this any longer.

Not sure I could relax in a relationship like that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/04/2021 14:06

Well, long term you will always be lower in the pecking order.

Why?

Original poster

hp655 · 08/04/2021 14:08

There's no way they'll be benefitting from me...It makes me sad because I am a generous person, we bought lots for one of the GK birthday and not even a thank you. How can people be like that?
You are right, I can't relax....that's not right is it?

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/04/2021 14:09

Read the OP! He hides his interactions, the ones where he ends up paying for his adult kids. OP is not being treated like an equal in their relationship, he facilitates his kids needs first and foremost, it is a conversation they can't/don't have.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/04/2021 14:12

@hp655

There's no way they'll be benefitting from me...It makes me sad because I am a generous person, we bought lots for one of the GK birthday and not even a thank you. How can people be like that? You are right, I can't relax....that's not right is it?

But they will, maybe already do. If you release some of the financial pressure of his living expenses then he can be more generous with them.

It isn't right, in that it should be something you can and have discussed as a possible restricting factor for your joint future. You might be willing to accept the natural restrictions of being with a man with a previous family. But that should be acknowledged, discussed, quantified. So you both know where you stand!

LatentPhase · 08/04/2021 14:16

Your DP is happy with things as they are. It’s (likely) been going on since forever. Enabled by him. Presumably you assumed (did you, naïvely?) that they would change once you moved in?

None of them see any reason to change the t&c of their relationships.

But you can.

I would move our and downgrade this man back down to BF status rather than DP.

Or cut and run.

Original poster

hp655 · 18/04/2021 00:20

So....we had a conversation. I said I felt he was concealing things that he didn't tell me because he knew I'd be upset. I said it wasn't them, they've been brought up to expect these things but that he could change how he reacts. He said they are my kids if they ask for help, I will. I said they are adults. He said he'd knew I was right but he wanted to have a relationship with them and if he didn't help theyd cut him off and he needs the relationship with them at all costs. He said it was his money, I said aren't we a partnership, that all he spends is less we have to spend.
But it's still going on, like there's a delivery next week... He's paid cash thinks I don't know...

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 18/04/2021 03:45

What kind of delivery?

To be honest I'd rather hear posts like this where fathers still want to be part of their children's life, some men show their love by practical and monetary ways, my husband was the same, not very good on the emotional front. He sounds like he's always been like this.
If he's like this financially I can't ever seeing him ever wanting to share his money with you.

He's the type to want to pass it all on to the kids.
You say they are abusive, may I ask in what way?

JorgyPorgy · 22/02/2025 11:19

hp655 · 18/04/2021 00:20

Is he able to afford things to enhance your life together while still bankrolling his adult kids? If you’re sacrificing nice holidays together , nice things for the house, good car, dinners out, gifts for you - I know I sound materialistic , I’m actually not, but my point is that your mutual finances are for your life together and financial future - not for his failed to thrive sponging children .

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