' you are the prize..' How?

[thecolourpurpleandpink]

So much great advice on here and so as not to drip feed , I was unceremoniously dumped andrejected by my husband of 12 years, literally overnight . Naturally, there was an ow in the background that i found out about 9 months later . He left great destruction behind him. Our children, two years on are still
Recovering but are in a really
Good place right now .
I have met a lovely man. He is kind, caring, funny and interested in all
Areas of my
Life . I met him a year ago . He has only recently met my children, casually.
We click and are still in the throes of the honeymoon period . However I struggle so much with trust issues . I'm
Almost waiting to be betrayed again. He has given me
No reason to think that . I expect it from s because I was blindsided by my exh betrayal. I've had counselling , lots.

Many posters here speak of being the prize . I need to change my thinking .
I see him and a wonderful, handsome and attentive boyfriend who is patient and understanding of my family
Circumstances . We speak lightly of a short term future eg holidays / travel etc.

How can I turn my thinking around from believing that he is the prize ? Because to me he is the prize . He is not perfect but perfect for me right now .
I never expected this to happen to me. I thought I'd be alone forever - I have become paranoid and cynical since my ex walked away.

My boyfriend is so so lovely . He compliments me all the time on my personality and aesthetics even though I feel I look overweight, old, frumpy . The bar isn't that high for him. Seems like he was treated like shit in his last relationship so can't understand the lack of confrontation/ screaming matches / relentless fighting over calls and texts.
I have absolutely no energy or fight in me for that nonsense . I like to thrash things out together and put them to bed . This is new for him and he loves it .

There was no drama pre separation. My ex simply was not a good husband and father . He lived life like a single
Man with the Benefits of marriage and family and had zero respect for me . My respect had died for him
Years ago .

How to I turn my thinking. Please ... any advice or words of experience really appreciated right now . Thanks .

It’s not very clear what you are asking. Why does anyone need to be “the prize”??

By no means you should put him on a pedestal, but thinking of yourself as a prize is also a bit narcissistic

Sorry I never meant to come
Across that way .
I simply meant that on mn, rather than thinking that the partner is s ' the prize' ( figure of speech in this case) that we need to see ourselves as the prize .
Thanks for your opinion.

It means seeing yourself as a good person, worthy of love and respect, who doesn't deserve to be treated badly. Thats all it means.

I think it will just take time OP. You are still working through some stuff. You'll gain confidence in the relationships. Also keep doing what you can to raise your own self esteem and that will help too.

You need to see them as separate people, your ex acted like a single man with no respect but your new man is attentive and you feel loved by him so judge him on the treatment you receive from him.

Op, a similar thing happened to me. My stbexh left after 20 years and I met someone else. We’ve been together nearly two years and I was ridiculously insecure for the first twelve months just waiting for him to dump me.

In my case I think I just got over it, it’s hard to explain why. I started to read The Chimp Paradox to understand how my brain worked but it was a bit boring. I think that I have got to know my new partner better including his weaknesses and bad points. I think my thoughts are less along the lines of how amazing he is but are we compatible given our individual strengths and weaknesses? I do think i kind of am ‘the prize’ because it’s become obvious his last relationship was abusive and controlling but I’m by no means perfect. So without really trying my mindset has changed and it is less about ‘I’m so lucky to have found someone so great’ but ‘we’re both lucky to have found another flawed human who enjoys our company and wants to connect with us’.

Thank you .
Can I ask if he knew you were insecure ? Did you discuss it with him?

I'm not sure about "the prize" terminology, but it's about valuing yourself and having good boundaries, and being happy/confident in yourself so that you're not desperate to have a man in your life at any price. You see so many women coming on after a break-up or fearing a breaking up saying things like "but who will want me?" and to me, that's just inviting nonsense from men. I always think a relationship with a man should add value and be a bonus, not be what we revolve our lives around.

You have a healthy way of dealing with disagreement, he finds you attractive and fun to be with, so take it at face value and enjoy it. There are no guarantees you won't experience that kind of pain again, you just have to take the emotional risk.

I tried not to tell him because I thought I’d scare him away and I used to post on the dating threads or message two men I ‘met’ on the dating threads to discuss it as none of my friends really understood modern dating. A couple of times I told him off for not contacting me for a day or reducing comms (obsessed with WhatsApp) so he had an inkling of a couple of occasions where I priobably appeared crazy.

I suspect we were both emotionally unavailable at the start, but I didn’t realise it, but we are much more open now about our emotions.

What you need to work on however is your self love and trust in yourself.

You need to know that if anyone betrays you in future, then you can trust yourself to cut ties and kick them out of your life.

That's where peace of mind comes from. Not from trusting men, from trusting you.

Maybe get some counselling to avoid bringing these issues into your relationship?
Sounds like he’s bringing in his own stuff but it’s probably not ideal to try and fix each other.

I think you are overthinking this “prize” thing. I have never seen another person as a prize. Objects might be prizes, not people.