How to break a dry spell

[Outofplacetoday]

Kinda embarrassing but there's no one to ask in RL.

We've got 2 LO's, both under 5. I've got anxiety atm. We both work long hours and so our sex life has completely died. I've put weight on because I'm just not looking after myself with all the pressure.

It's been a couple of months since we've DTD, and I'm not sure how to initiate it anymore. It feels awkward.

I've been subtly mentioning how it's been a while, I asked for a cuddle in bed this morning when we both woke up before the kids but nothing.

I'm afraid to just go for it I guess, incase he rejects me. At the minute it feels like we're both ignoring it but if I put it on a plate and he refuses I think I'd he quite hurt.

Sex is important to me too. It makes me feel close to him and keeps me happy in our marriage. He knows this so must know I'm feeling a bit put out.

@Outofplacetoday - sorry no answers but I'm in the same boat. For me it's the menopause though. I told my DP that I wasn't interested and he was great about it and didn't pressure me. However, the longer this dry spell goes on, the more I worry and it would now feel awkward to instigate anything. I feel I should make the first move but am totally lacking confidence and not feeling at my best. I know I should just talk to him but the problem is my libido hasn't really woken up. I miss the closeness as without sex, it's just like being best mates.
Can anyone have your kids for a few hours so you can plan some alone time? Then just go for it? No over thinking it, a glass of Dutch courage?

He didn't give you a cuddle after you asked for one?

If he didn't cuddle you then that is awful.

If he did then why don't you get a takeaway and a bottle of wine on friday and get affectionate and see where it leads?

@danceswithcatsndogs that's exactly what I feel like without sex. We're just room mates who co parent.

@sakurami he did give me a cuddle it just didn't go anywhere. I was hoping by lying up against him it might encourage something to happen.

Well I braved it, and it didn't go well. He was enthusiastically telling me about his day, I made it very obvious we could have sex and he went from talking normally to talking in this fake sleepy voice in the space of 5 seconds.

Claimed he was too tired. I said I know, we both are but it's been months. He said he was too tired again. I had a bit of a rant about how this wasn't a marriage and then he changed his mind and suddenly said we could have sex. Obviously the mood had well gone by then.

No idea why he couldn't have just accepted my advances, had a nice 30 seconds and then went to sleep.

Instead I'm here at 2am because I can't sleep and I'm married to someone who just doesn't put the effort in unless it's under duress

He seems to be actively avoiding sex. Is he also stressed/depressed? Does he feel under pressure to perform? How was your sex life in the past - any problems he might be dwelling on? Stress can lead to a downward spiral when it comes to sex for us man - you can't perform because you are stressed and this inability makes you even more stressed. Happened to me in the past - the remedy is to refrain from all sexual contact (and masturbation) until you are so desperate that desire overcomes anxiety. But this would not take two months, two weeks would be more like it.

I think you need to talk to him openly about it, you need to be able to to discuss sex just as you discuss other aspects of your relationship. Problems will not solve themselves, you need to agree how you are going to approach them. I'd suggest you do this outside the bedroom, not under circumstances when sex might be in the cards. You both need to understand each other's position and then you can try to find a way forward.

Thank you for your advice. I agree he's avoiding it.

He is stressed, and we have no time really together to encourage intimacy. I agree though, it's the length of time that's worrying me.

He doesn't have a very high drive and I respect that, I've explained to him why sex is important to me and he always agrees to put more effort in. It used to be once a week which was a happy compromise I think.

It's not a performance problem, he can switch it on at the drop off a hat. He just doesn't feel the need. I'm 99% sure he's not relieving himself, he's a bit of a prude. He wouldn't watch porn for example (I know it sounds like I'm blinkered but he doesn't like it).

I'll talk to him again later, I don't want to make it worse by having a go but I'm not old enough to be happy going months without it.

Men can avoid sex or not be in the mood for a host of different reasons, we are just people after all.

sounds a bit like you miss the closeness and being wanted rather then the actual sex maybe?
you may need another conversation, (outside of the bedroom) but to steer it away from sex and towards “togetherness time”, (or some other phrase), maybe once a week, telly off early and no phones in the bedroom, and see what happens.

As for the rejection, it happens, don’t take it to heart too much, and you may have to initiate more frequently

As for dry spells, my longest was about 2.5 years, at the end of my marriage, but I didn’t like her much by then, so why even bother trying ?

Currently not had sex for about 3.5 years, but I’m a single old man now, so probably won’t have it again ever !

not taking rejection to heart is very hard - particularly if it's not just a one-off (or if it's just a hard "no", and not a "not right now, but what about...")

and ultimately, if it's the intimacy you crave rather than just general "affection", eventually cuddles won't cut it

that's where i am right now - no intimacy at all, hard no any time i try and initiate (which isn't often).

DW still wants closeness (she loves having her legs stroked while we're sat on the sofa, or her back stroked if we're snuggled watching tv in bed). but it's all very one-way.

leaves me feeling very convenient, and unvalued. like i'm providing a service.

It sounds like you’ve always had quite mismatched sex drives. I think asking for a cuddle first thing in the morning hoping it’s going to turn into sex is a mistake. It ends up with him feeling pressured that any physical contact is then going to mean you expect sex.

Coming right out and saying it has also put a lot of pressure on - you saying you don’t understand why he didn’t just do it when you said you could have sex doesn’t show much consideration of his sexual desire.

I don’t know what the answer is but the massively mismatched sex drives is a huge issue. You feel unfulfilled, he is making excuses and then saying you can have sex because you’ve got angry - who wants to feel their partner is only having sex because it’s their duty or to keep the other person happy?

Even a once a week ‘compromise’ just sounds depressing. You’re having it less than you want so feel undesired, he’s apparently having it more than he wants so is having sex when he doesn’t want to. I don’t know how you overcome this fundamental incompatibility tbh.

You've got it one @PriestessofPing. He never used to be this way. He said the first couple of years he just did to make me happy so I felt like we were compatible. By then he'd become everything to me.

Then it slowly drifted and we agreed a frequency that took the pressure off. I didn't make a move when we had a cuddle I was just hoping he would. It's been a while since we've even just laid close to each other.

I did notice though when he had his arm over me, he had his hand clenched and sort of hovering over my body. Like he wasn't comfortable placing his hand over my tummy the way his arm would naturally fall.

It's hard when we're 15 years into a relationship, two kids and entwined families.

Ultimately I'm not happy and he's content with things as they are. I don't want to throw our family away over sex but it really is difficult to feel happy when there's no closeness or sense of feeling wanted.

I did get frustrated at him last night but I don't usually take that approach.

I know there's not much I can do. Just need a vent I guess.

@DiscontinuedModelHusband,
Yeah it’s tough, my Ex was this like this - on her terms only - didn’t cause us to split, but made it easier in the end

TBH I think it’s better on your own than being with someone who doesn’t care about your needs - but that’s just me.

I agree, if it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't be here anymore.

I did say to him last night that I'm young enough to find someone who could want me and be happy again and if he has just fallen out of love to be honest and let me know. He just insists he does love me.

Actions speak louder than words sadly.