Why do I keep pushing men away

[Ceriane]

I don’t know what is wrong with me, but in some ways I want a relationship more than anything and I needn’t be on my own, but when it comes to dating etc I find myself making excuses and even being relieved to find a reason not to date people. It’s like I’m absolutely terrified of men, or just have no attraction to them at all. Surely this is not normal...I’m in my 30s and have been on my own for a really long time and I worry obsessively about what people must think. I’m just such a mess and I’ve completely messed my life up. Why can’t I just be normal!!!

Relationships are not compulsory. You say ‘in some ways’ you want a relationship more than anything - so there must also be reasons you don’t want one? I think you need to unpick exactly how you feel and then work out what you want - it will make it easier to identify suitable partners. Do you just want someone to date? Are you looking for marriage/kids etc?
Personally, I love being single but would be up for dating, as in someone to do fun things with - day trips, weekends away etc. But the moment I sense someone is looking for something serious straight away, I run for the hills. Being clear about what you need can be helpful, even if you are just clear with yourself.

Fuck what other people think. There is no 'normal'. There is nothing wrong with you other than you think there is. Stop trying to force yourself into some weird straightjacket that no one is trying to make you wear. Be you.

I heard someone say the other day that a good way to approach this is to ask yourself what is more scary to you/

1. Being alone?

Or

1. Being rejected?

If you fear being alone more, you will crave a relationship. If you fear rejection more, you will push people away.

The kicker is you can be both at once.

And depending on what situation you are in, or what else is going on in the rest of your life, those fears can keep up an ultra competitive neck and neck race vying for the top spot.

And fear isn’t a healthy basis for you you structure your social relationships anyway.

So find out what the underlying fears are rooted in, and work on those, to give yourself breathing space and room to grow. And as you grow, connect with people in the basis of that positive growth, not because you are driven towards or away from them by fear.

"It’s like I’m absolutely terrified of men, or just have no attraction to them at all. "
Is it LIKE you have no attraction to them, or do you actually have no attraction to them? I think you need to figure that out because its quite important. But not every women fancies men and thats fine...

Do you have abandonment issues (dad, Exes etc?) if so you my have a fear of opening yourself up in a relationship. I have this fear so I like dating but then am relieved when relationships end (which sounds really weird but it’s because they cause a level of anxiety) having said that I have a dh now but it is still a bit hard. I’m having to face my fears and work through them

Thank you. To be honest I think I have a lot of issues from when I was growing up, and could probably do with therapy. I also grew up in an extremely conformist family and had some quite extreme messages about relationships from them, to long to go into but very misogynistic and I think it has made me not be able to see the wood for the trees with what I want. I honestly don’t know what I want. I just feel like such a train wreck at the minute.