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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice badly needed

26 replies

FeeFee20 · 07/04/2021 20:52

Apologies in advance this will be long.

I'm in my early 30s, married for 5 years and have a young baby. Things with my husband are not going so well and I would really appreciate some advice as I have no one to talk to about it in real life.

In an attempt to be as brief as I can I'll try and summarise as follows:

My husband wanted to wait to have children (he's a few years younger). I didn't. I essentially got my way. Deep down I knew that wasn't the best scenario for having a baby but I still went ahead. He's a good dad. Struggled a lot at the beginning as he suffers anxiety on and off (but hugely improved in recent years) and was nowhere near as hands on as he should have been. Loves baby now and gets up with him at 7am every morning until he has to start work so I can have a lie in.

He's slept in the spare room for the past 6 months citing he needs his sleep for work (office job, wfh at the moment). Even though the baby now sleeps in his own room and more or less sleeps through and has done for a good while now. Spends a lot of evenings playing PS up there with his friends. This was an issue for years before the baby. Not playing the PS but he'd go upstairs to watch stuff and I'd be on my own downstairs.

Lately the arguments seem constant. Almost always to do with division of care for the baby and basically start when I have to "ask" him to do stuff.

Arguments around the PS have been ongoing since I was pregnant. Latest argument tonight was he said he'd bring the monitor in with him while playing tonight seeing as last night he essentially "clocked off" at 6.30 after baby was asleep and didn't want to be disturbed for the rest of the night despite being on holidays from work. So I dealt with wakeups as the baby is sometimes unsettled and wakes. This evening he didn't hear the monitor over the PS so I had to go up while making dinner. He came in with me as I was shhhing the baby back to sleep and said I'll leave you to it. After baby went back I went in to him and calmly (honestly!) tried to explain that it's his turn tonight etc. He started to get all worked up saying his friends could hear me and stormed down the hall calling me a piece of shit. I then pulled the plugs out of the PS, he came back and grabbed me roughly by the arm. I slapped his arm then. Horrible behaviour I know. Him worse I know but I'm not totally innocent either.

In the 9 years we've been together the only time he's shown aggression like this was once when I was pregnant and we had (yet) another row over the PS he sort of pushed past me. Also when the baby was tiny we started to argue in the car and he attempted to swerve it to the side, assume in an effort to intimate me?

I realise he sounds horrible with the above. What is so hard though is that when we get along we are so happy together. I genuinely love him to pieces and he can be so so good to me. Can anybody please advise me where to go from here? I think we need to try couples counselling. I don't think an automatic LTB is too helpful at this moment in time when we have such a young baby. I'm not remotely intimidated by him despite the aggressive behaviour I described.

Am I being in any way too demanding from what I've described? If more info is needed please ask. I know he struggles sometimes and god knows I'm not perfect. He has worked on himself a lot in recent years though and has made some big improvements to his life which in turn benefit the both of us.

I often feel so bad thinking I should never have married him in the first place. I think he was so into me that I almost went into it blindly a bit. My head is such a mess.

Sorry for it being so long.

OP posts:

KirstenBlest · 07/04/2021 21:07

The aggression is a worry. It is intimidation.The violence could escalate.

I'd get hold of all the legal and financial documents. You might not need them yet, but no harm in being organised.

You need to sit down with him and tell him that he needs to pull his weight, or he'll be doing all the childcare EOW.

Your baby will be growing up in a toxic environment. Is that what you want?

Italiangreyhound · 07/04/2021 21:15

This is not good, he sounds aggressive and childish.

I am so sorry. Are there other things you have not mentioned?

He sounds not really ready to be in a grown up relationship, in some ways.

KirstenBlest · 07/04/2021 21:28

In what way "He's a good dad."?

He swerved the car with you and the baby in it.
He can't be arsed to mind the baby.
He shoves you.
He shouts at you calling you a piece of shit.

Original poster

FeeFee20 · 07/04/2021 21:43

Thanks for the replies.

@kirstenblest no, that is absolutely not what I want and why I'm taking this so seriously.

Of course, when things are described with limited context they will sound very bad indeed. The nuances of a relationship, and the part that both people play, is always going to be important. I'm trying to be as fair as I can here and not paint him as some kind of monster as he's not.
But yes, he's lazy and will avoid doing what he can regarding the baby. He works hard and is successful at work earning good money. Not that that gives him any excuse for his poor behaviour.

I've threatened to leave him before and tonight again emphasised how this is clearly not working for us. He broke down (did as well a few months ago) says life isn't worth living etc. Oddly I don't feel very empathetic when he does that. It's like I know its emotional blackmail. Ultimately I know nothing will change. Things will be fine for a while then yet another argument...

OP posts:

Grumblesigh · 07/04/2021 21:49

You know you need to LTB. You KNOW it. You're just on a journey to where you can act on it.

Get there before the baby learns what an abusive relationship is.

Ignore the emotional blackmail. Get a divorce.

KirstenBlest · 07/04/2021 21:51

Thanks. Couple counselling might be the way to go.

From the outside, it looks bad. The emotional blackmail would be enough for me.

KirstenBlest · 07/04/2021 21:54

Years ago I was in a long term relationship. One day we were out in the car, and his driving scared me. I'm a nervous passenger anyway, but that time I was scared.
I told him it was over when we got home.

Original poster

FeeFee20 · 07/04/2021 22:02

You see that's the thing. I often read threads here and think, yeah in isolation of other context it all sounds terrible. But for all you know I could be a right PITA! I mean in all seriousness what I posted is accurate, but he's not a bad guy. Yes describing those one off events make him sound like a terrible father and husband but what about his other loving, normal behaviour day to day? When do you decide it's worth breaking up a family? I think couples counselling first is an absolute must.

OP posts:

Sarahlou63 · 07/04/2021 22:15

So he didn't want to have a child but you wanted a baby, so now he is a father and he gets up every morning so you can have a lie in.

Now he's showing you he resents being bounced into fatherhood and you resent him for it? Hmmm.

DeathToCovid · 07/04/2021 22:18

Any kind of aggression or nasty words should be a hard NO. In any relationship, for any reason.

He clearly wasn’t ready for a baby, you said you got your way when he wanted to wait, do you mean you talked him into it, or you had a contraceptive accident?

Either way you’ve both been really silly there as having a child should be a mutual decision not pressured by either side as it creates resentment and it sounds like that’s what’s happened here.

KirstenBlest · 07/04/2021 22:23

Then do it.

I'm generally of the 'till death do up part' mentality re marriage. We have only heard your side, his version might be different, but it does sound like he does FA.

Have you become used to being told that you nag? Got used to doing all the household stuff?

It isn't conventional to sleep in separate bedrooms. Is the physical side of your relationship OK?(none of my business obvs)

He plays games all evening, every evening?

Frustratedbeyondbelief · 07/04/2021 22:31

You wanted a baby when he wasn't ready .. you went ahead anyway..

This is the consequence...

Original poster

FeeFee20 · 07/04/2021 22:33

@Sarahlou63 yes that's an accurate summary. The reason he gets up and takes over with baby at 7 though is because from when he goes to bed (10-11ish) until baby wakes (anywhere from 5.30-6.30) he's sleeping in the spare room and doesn't deal with any wakings. Luckily the baby is generally a great sleeper and dropped his night feed at 3 months. But some nights he'll wake and need to be shhhed back. Plus goes down early and wakes early. So I handle the early wake until he takes over from 7-8.30.

@KirstenBlest the physical side is actually OK. Prob could be more but with a young baby it's fine. The sleeping in the spare room gets to me more just from a lack of support pov. Especially in the early days. I felt very alone. Have said all this to him.

OP posts:

Suzi888 · 07/04/2021 22:38

“calling me a piece of shit. I then pulled the plugs out of the PS, he came back and grabbed me roughly by the arm. I slapped his arm then.” You need to sort this before your child grows up around it. Doesn’t sound like a great relationship, to me! You think it’s worth salvaging, so go to counselling first.

It appears from what you’ve said that he wasn’t ready to have a baby yet, you forced the issue and maybe he’s resentful in a “you wanted the baby, you sort the baby” way. Even if he loves that child, he wants time to himself.
Do you work?

NerrSnerr · 07/04/2021 22:43

Also when the baby was tiny we started to argue in the car and he attempted to swerve it to the side, assume in an effort to intimate me?

What would you say if a friend told you this happened to them with a tiny baby in the car?

Do you really want to bring your child up in this situation? With a dad who puts gaming first? And a mum who stays with him so clearly thinks that behaviour is fine?

Original poster

FeeFee20 · 07/04/2021 22:48

I think that's all very true @Suzi888. I do work. I'm going to go back full time in September. However, I didn't force him to have the baby or have a contraception accident as someone else suggested. Is there even an answer to this then. I was more keen for the baby therefore I should just suck it up and stop complaining?

OP posts:

KirstenBlest · 07/04/2021 22:58

How much younger than you is he?

Suzi888 · 07/04/2021 23:07

No you can’t just suck it up. It’s not like having a puppy whereby the person who wants it can just do all the hard work for a few months and then everything calms down. A baby is life changing for both of you, for the rest of your lives. I think counselling could help, but only if he accepts his old life is essentially out the window a bit (unless you split). It could be worse when you return to work, who does drop offs/pick ups/school hols /sick days etc.
There has to be an element of compromise and you need to talk things through, he has to be on board though.
I think women generally do the majority of the chores and childcare, but most men help out to a degree. Your DH can’t expect to sit around playing games ALL the time! Wait until baby can crawl and toddle about, you can’t get a moments peace! Your DH needs to grow up a bit and he doesn’t sound ready to me, either for a baby or a relationship. I personally couldn’t stand someone messing about on a PS most nights! I’d go for the counselling and see how it goes, but don’t continue to argue/fight with a baby around .

ShutUpaYourFace · 07/04/2021 23:34

The man sounds like a teenage boy.
Did you discuss having a family before you got married and started living together?
Where your plans the same?
30 is not young to start a family and seems perfectly reasonable. It sounds like he doesn't want to grow up.
In my opinion it is unacceptable for him to be upstairs like a teenager with his mates playing on his ps every night. That has got to stop.
I would tell him if he wants to remain married then things change now. You are supposed to be a partnership. Being a parent is a full time responsibility. He can't pick and choose, if he doesn't like it tell him to leave.

MrsNewms85 · 08/04/2021 09:34

I was once in a relationship with someone who on the outside was a caring partner, doting dad and everyone kept telling me so.
At home, he was lazy, argumentative, unreasonable, immature and I gradually became a scared, embittered nag. Due to working part time and the level of role I had I couldn't leave and he knew it, even held it over me to mock me sometimes.
Then the day my child became an age she didn't need full time nursery care costs, I got a promotion and became full time, I was then able to get away and it was hilarious because he became very insecure because he knew I could go.
I made preparations and I got out of that shit show.
I don't know yours or his whole story, but to call you a piece of shit, grab your arm and swerve the car with you and your baby in it in reaction to an argument is unhealthy and if you were my friend I'd be telling you to get out of there. If you still want to try couples therapy then do it, but maybe still get some distance first? The environment you describe sounds toxic.

Most of all I hope you're ok xx

KirstenBlest · 08/04/2021 09:37

@Suzi888,
'I think women generally do the majority of the chores and childcare, but most men help out to a degree.'

Not help out, but pull their weight.

Wanderlusto · 08/04/2021 09:44

I could understand his point of view...until he called you a piece of shit. Thats an instant deal breaker. Once contempt like that has entered a marriage, I'm sorry, but it's over. No therapist can fix that.

Did he grovel and beg you to forgive him today? If so,maybe, maybe we could sit down and look at a path forwards to it never happening again. But if it ever does, or if he cant stick to the agreements made (about what you need!) - then walk away.

Shoxfordian · 08/04/2021 10:08

I don’t see any option other than ltb when he’s been physically aggressive to you. He sounds like a teenager who just wants to play on his PlayStation and not engage with you or be a parent.

Original poster

FeeFee20 · 08/04/2021 10:35

Thanks so much for all the replies, I really appreciate them.
To the poster who asked how much younger he is, he's 3 years. Turned 30 when we had the baby so not exactly crazy young for starting a family.

He's full of remorse. Was straight after. Has removed the PS from the spare bedroom and made a counselling appointment. I suppose we'll see how we go.

OP posts:

KirstenBlest · 08/04/2021 11:04

Good luck FeeFee20.
You can work through this. Won't be easy, but not impossible.

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