He Left Me, Now What?

[Questions99]

For anyone following my saga, DH left very suddenly 2 weeks ago after many arguments about what I saw as his financial abuse and escalating emotional abuse. Women’s Aid have confirmed abusive behaviour and supporting me.
He said he was going for a week or so, to give me time to “see sense”and come to his point of view. (Thats he’s right and I’m wrong).
Our DCs are devastated and I was in shock for the first week. We have had one chaperoned meeting and I asked him to stay away for a couple more weeks to give me time to think straight and for the children to settle down.
He’s contributing financially (ironically for the first time in a long time) and sticking to the the rules of staying away etc. We are supposed to meet in a week to see what happens next.
I’m torn.
It is peaceful but so strange without him. I couldn’t cope (literally, ended up in hospital) with the person he was turning into and the relationship being so horribly strained, lies, confusion, arguments getting more volatile... but I also know I love him (he’s the only man I’ve ever loved) and many of his traits haven’t bothered me even though we are really different.
For so long our marriage has worked. But I’ve changed my boundaries - asked him to contribute financially properly, asked for him to stop hiding things (including money) from me, and to let me have an equal say and respect in our communication. I’ve found my long-lost confidence with him basically. And he seems to just hate me standing up to him.
RL support has been amazing and I know longer term that will probably drift away but I’m doing ok. We are coping.
But it’s like grief. I am grieving the loss of the man I love, the kids are ok, they miss him but we are managing to arrange them to meet up etc.
The man I love hasn’t been here for at least a few years but I actually crave him - and want to see if reconciliation could be possible.
Can he change? Can we go back? Can someone learn to share properly and be more open and honest? Or am I just desperate and deluded ?
When we meet I don’t know what to say. He might already have decided he likes being apart from me I guess. In which case what I want doesn’t make any difference.
Has anyone separated from a long term marriage and reconciled?
Is it possible?
He hasn’t wanted counselling and says he won’t agree to Relate or anything.. are we doomed?
I thought about writing him a letter to make sure there is no misunderstanding and I can tell him how I feel but what I need to change if it could ever work.
Any wise words? How do I go forward?

You know that feeling, that you are interpreting as love? It's not love, it's addiction.

He's done you the biggest favour he could ever do - he's set you free. I doubt that was his intention - he thinks he's setting himself free. But who cares? You are free of this man.

Have a look online for the Freedom Programme. I think it'll help you a lot.

He will never change and you would be a fool to go back. If anything, he will get worse in order to punish you for stepping out of line. Relate is pointless because you should never attend counselling with your abuser.

You're free of him now, as much as you can be. Keep it that way.

You’re habituated into a broken past. Do you spend as much time thinking about a brighter future without him or with someone else?

It's not love , it is your brain fuelled by the drama of him . Someone above has said this as well. Once you understand this you will see more clearly . To take him back is going to give him even more power. He will have made you see sense . I fear for you if you do that .

OP I’ve been following your story. I really wish you would stay strong, he’s a bully and you know it.

It’s natural to miss something so familiar to you. But in reality you miss the idealised version of him rather than the real him. Because the real him has no respect for you and would rather uproot his life and leave his heart broken wife/kids behind than change his ways.

Your relationship was spiralling into worse and worse abusive behaviour, you ended up in hospital.

As pp said, this isn't love, it's more like addiction. He's been your primary focus, anticipating his moods, managing him, coping with his behaviour, justifying it etc for so long, that of course it leaves a massive hole when he's not there to fill every waking thought.

Are you still getting support from Women's Aid? Have you looked at doing the Freedom Programme?

You'd be acting against your own and your children's interests to take him back.

You know that feeling, that you are interpreting as love? It's not love, it's addiction.

Yes, yes and thrice yes.

Like all addictions, you think you can't live without it. You think you'll be fine if you get just a little hit. You think it's life affirming and what you need. You crave it. And if you don't see it for the monster it is, and find the strength to defeat it, it will destroy you.

I'd watch Melanie Tonia Evans youtube channel. She does vloggs about narcissists. Seriously watch everything you can and learn everything you can about narcissists. The more you learn about abuse, the easier it is to break the spell.

@category12 wow! When you listed off what’s been filling the home - anticipating his moods, navigating all the emotions.. yes!!! This!! It makes me determined to try and heal and move on. He has suggested picking the kids up somewhere they walk to so we don’t even have to see each other and my first reaction was honestly ‘but I want to see him!’ but now I’m realising it just makes me remember the nice version of him, not reality.

Filling the *hole

He still thinks you’ll “see sense”.
He doesn’t see anything wrong in his behaviour.
You’re not grieving him. You’re grieving what you wished the relationship could be. It can’t be.
Stay strong and keep your distance.

I'm sorry but no, he can't change.

Once you've broken from him a few years, you'll realise what you felt for him was not love.

Good luck