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Original poster

opinion please

24 replies

nanchat1 · 07/04/2021 12:35

Hi
I just want peoples opinions on this, my son and his girlfriend recently lost their baby son due to complication during birth. obviously we were all devastated. I decided to get my grandchildS name tattooed on my arm. I did not discuss it with them first as I did not think it was a big deal. I didn't tell them that I got it done and one day my sons girlfriend saw it and got pretty upset and thinks that it was a very insensitive thing to do. I know she deals with it differently then me she doesn't like anything that reminds her of the baby and I accept that. I also asked her for some hair belonging to him which again she wasn't happy about. I just don't know what I am suppose to/ not suppose to do. do ye think IABU?

OP posts:

User57327259 · 07/04/2021 12:56

I suspect that DIL feels that you have gone ahead with things without consulting her or you son. She will be feeling extremely emotional just now and probably best to watch her actions and follow her lead.
Tattooes are a very difficult matter. Some people like them, some don't. Both of these points of view seem to me to be strongly held opinions. There is also the old fashioned view that females should not have tattooes. I know some were horrified with memorial tattooes on females. A tattoo is so permanent, but you have done it and it would be very hard to change that now.

pinkyredrose · 07/04/2021 12:57

Reverse thread, YABU.

TheWaif · 07/04/2021 12:58

I would be fucking livid. It's not about you. You're not owed anything. How dare you ask for some of her child's hair?!

BumBurnerBum · 07/04/2021 13:11

It does sound like you've made it all about you when they are going through the most horrific experience of their lives.

LavenderLollies · 07/04/2021 13:20

That’s appalling. I would be raging. You got someone else’s dead child’s name as a tattoo without even consulting them? Good luck having any kind of relationship with your daughter in law in the future, if this is real.

2020Diary · 07/04/2021 13:27

You must all be absolutely devastated but I think you should have discussed it with your son and his girlfriend first. I think you can only apologise, explain and hope that your tattoo does not always cause the pain it is at the moment.

SandyY2K · 07/04/2021 13:31

I can see how it would upset her seeing the name tattooed on you. Can you keep it covered up when you're around her?

I do think that requesting some of his hair was overstepping the mark though. I would not have been impressed if I was your DIL.

Roodicus21 · 07/04/2021 13:37

I would be raging. You should've respected that she didn't want to see anything that reminded her of the baby. Perhaps this would change over time but what you've done is permanent and insensitive (and crass imo as I hate tattoos).

Tomyoneandonly · 07/04/2021 13:46

Yavu. I guess that maybe it was your first grandchild? Even so you should of helped your ds and his girlfriend through the grieving process before thinking about getting a tattoo. My dd lost her baby at 31weeks and I am not allowed to mention if I got a tattoo of my dgd name I don't think she would ever speak to me again.

notthemum · 07/04/2021 14:00

Whilst I get that you thought/think you did the right thing I'm afraid in my opinion it was definitely not.
This is their time to grieve, however they choose to do so. As a pp has said you have made this all about you. If I was either of this couple i would tell you exactly what i thought and not have any more to do with you.

EveWasReframed · 07/04/2021 14:10

My opinion, as it is what you asked for, is that what you have done is very inappropriate.

Notoriouslynotnotious · 07/04/2021 14:19

I think it is understandable that as a grandparent losing a grandchild you are upset. I think though your DIL experiences are going to be much more keenly felt and are first hand experiences for her and I think you are overwhelming her with your responses to your grief. I think you need to be mindful of your place in this process, your thoughts and feelings and grief are real and valid but your position in this is very much secondary to the child’s parents. You need to get your support for this in the background or you run the risk of being seen as interfering and overwhelming their grieving process.

category12 · 07/04/2021 14:47

Yes, it's an insensitive thing to do.

Seems like you need to think about the rings of grief:
“Draw a small circle and put the name of the person closest to the tragedy in the middle of that circle. Then, draw a larger concentric circle and put the name of the person closest to the center person–for adults, this is usually a spouse or partner, but may be children, parents, a colleague, or closest friend. Keep drawing larger circles around the other circles and add the layers of people–close friends, more distant friends, members of the community, etc. Here are the rules: The person in the center circle can cope any way he/she wants. The job of those in the larger circles is to listen and support. When talking to a person in a circle smaller than yours, remember that you are talking to someone closer to the tragedy. Your job is to help. You are not allowed to dump your anger, fear, or grief to people in circles smaller than yours. Express these emotions to those in your circle or larger circles. The concept is simple - comfort in, dump out."

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 07/04/2021 15:00

A mother's grief is 2nd to none. You have over stepped the mark. It's a bit like saying to her that your grief is stronger and it probably felt like a stab in the heart to her. If you had to have a tattoo, then a very small discreet one that you kept hidden would have been better. As you can't undo it, don't be surprised if she avoids you going forward.

Notoriouslynotnotious · 07/04/2021 15:07

category that is a fantastic analogy

IReallyNeedMoreGin · 07/04/2021 15:09

Your sons girlfriend is right. Very insensitive.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2021 15:13

Wow. I'm dumbfounded. Your behaviour is appalling, devoid of any sensitivity or common sense.

MMadness · 07/04/2021 15:40

I don't see the issue with you honouring your grandchild's existence in a way that brings you peace.

The hair thing, I'd not ask that but I don't think it justifies the umbrage directed at you here.

I see grief as a personal journey and I'd respect and not question the way people choose to cope. I'd hope the same courtesy was afforded to me.

There's no right or wrong way.

noirchatsdeux · 07/04/2021 15:59

Yuck. Tacky and crass beyond belief.

ThrowingAShellstrop · 07/04/2021 16:08

I’ve lost babies and if my MIL did this I think my head and my heart would’ve exploded on the spot.

You’re allowed to grieve, that’s understandable but there’s two people stood right in the centre of this horrific situation and they need your empathy and support, not have their grief hijacked.

SeaShoreGalore · 07/04/2021 16:14

Surely this is a reverse?

comfort in, dump out Love this

happyjack12 · 07/04/2021 16:16

YABU. you've made it about you. How selfish.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/04/2021 16:17

You’ve behaved very badly and you need to get that tattoo removed or disguised. And you need to do it as soon as possible.

Do not ask them for anything - you want to TAKE something of their baby from them?!

Sort out the tattoo and then find a way to apologise.

Slub · 07/04/2021 21:00

Yuk

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