I hate being a part time Mum

[ThirdTimeIucky]

Just that really. I have an almost 50/50 arrangement with my husband. And I hate it.

I feel like a fraud. Like a fake Mum. I absolutely hate it. I find the times when I have her overwhelming, and when I don't, I just feel like a spare part and wish I was doing things with her.

I'm sure people will tell me to get a hobby or something, which has been pretty impossible over the last year. But I don't want to bloody hobby. I want to be a Mum. I carried my daughter because I wanted to be there all the time. Not part of the time. I despise it. I hate being cut from half her life. Not being able to put her to bed every night.

I am currently seeing her Dad again, a year after we separated. I still love him. He still loves me. We are living in separate homes, and are being very careful to not upset our daughter. I wouldn't say missing my daughter is my only motivation for this. But I'd be lying if I said it was some motivation.
My family will hit the roof when they find out. The whole thing is a bloody mess. But I despise where I am.

Why did you split up @ThirdTimeIucky?

@DioneTheDiabolist honestly, we both struggled after the birth of our daughter. I had PND, and honestly I think he did to. We stopped communicating, stopped touching. We had been together for 14 years. We had got into poor habits. I have real issues with hormones. I really struggle throughout the month. Something I'm much more aware of now. To the point I would reject him entirely at times. He struggled with me to be honest. And I struggled with him. We were both exhausted. Finances have always been a worry. We had picked up poor habits through the relationship. All of this culminated in arguments, anger with each other, distrust, hurt. I cried, he shouted.

The last year has really reset the situation. We have both had counselling. We have both behaved badly. We have both tried tovmake amends. We both realised how important the other person was to each other.

Why will your family hit the roof?

@DioneTheDiabolist my husband hasn't behaved fabulously over the last year. There is ancient history between them. They don't get on and never really have. I think part of it goes back to the fact that I was 17 when we got together. My husband has always had issues with the way my parents have treated me (my childhood was hideous and despite having a good relationship with my parents now, that wasn't always the case, and it has left its mark on me). My family have never trusted him. Perhaps because he has been so wary of them. There is fault on both sides, but I've always been piggy in the middle.

Unfortunately the dislike is mutual. It isn't going to be easy.

Relationship counselling might be helpful if you want to get back together. It will help you both recognise and work on the problems you have experienced and could help with the issues with your wider family.

@ThirdTimeIucky

I'm sorry you're going through this.I can imagine you feel quite alone right now.

I'd say all things considered your doing well at the moment;you've acknowledged your issues/issues with your marriage and have been working on them.From what I've read your marriage sounds like it's worth saving;I feel you could both benefit from relationship counselling to work through your issues together.

As for your family;well they dislike your DH either way so sod them;I don't think anyone behaves like a saint during a separation and it also sounds like they hold abit of a grudge.

If you want to be together and raise your family together then go for it.

I think a lot of people feel this way, I couldn’t do 50/50. I just couldn’t. I’m so sorry Op. is there anyway you can ask for more contact?

@Mylovelyhorsee. It tears me apart. It's awful. But no I couldn't do that to my daughter or her Dad. She deserved her Dad, and her Dad deserves to have as much access as me. For me, anything other than 50 50 has never been an option.

@ThirdTimeIucky

Your a lovely mum op. I’m so sorry it’s turned out like this for you. I’m sure your daughter doesn’t see you as a part time mum.

[quote ThirdTimeIucky]@Mylovelyhorsee. It tears me apart. It's awful. But no I couldn't do that to my daughter or her Dad. She deserved her Dad, and her Dad deserves to have as much access as me. For me, anything other than 50 50 has never been an option.[/quote]
Honestly, I know it brings you a lot of pain but this is so refreshing to read. You’re a great mum ❤️

Therapy with a view of getting back together sounds very reasonable given your circumstances for breaking up.

If your family don’t like it then there is every chance they are still as dysfunctional towards you as ever.

From what you have written it sounds like your ex husband had valid concerns about their behaviour towards you. It doesn’t remotely from what you have written sound like their concerns about him are as valid.

You are putting your daughter first and doing what's best for her despite your own difficult feelings. That makes you an amazing mum. Just want you to know that.

I'm not sure what age is your child but 50/50 arrangement will get easier the older she gets so if you decide to go back to your ex makes sure it's not the main reason. Although it does seem like you gave up on the relationship too early?

All marriages go through difficult times and as long as there is no deal breakers and both partners commit to work on the relationship then its worth saving.

I’d take your time with this one. Try and build a life of your own and examine carefully if it’s best to get back together if you are basically incompatible. I think it will really upset your daughter if you get back together only for it to fall part again

The worse part about splitting up for me is not seeing ds 50% of the week it's killing me