Why does my Dad have this emotional hold over me?

[HopelesslyDevoted2u]

Why do I let my Dad have such control over my emotions?
When I was around 12 my relationship with my Dad went bad. He's a controlling man and was extremely over protective. We bickered all the time and I grew to resent him. When I was 18 I couldn't wait to leave home.
I'm in my early 40s now and although he can't control what I do he always has to give his thoughts and opinions. He's very negative and always questions what I've spent my money on, why I've done something, etc.

I don't see him very often but I see my family on occasions like Easter, birthdays, etc.
My parents also have a very toxic relationship. I don't know why they are together. They spend most of the time in different rooms. My Dad controls what they watch on tv, where they go, etc. He constantly puts her down, telling her she's useless and unattractive.
I get very worked up before seeing my parents and offer break down afterwards. It's a very negative environment to be in.
My son is also getting affected by him. He's 12 and my Dad constantly has a go at him, telling him to smile and talk. I told my Dad yesterday that he needs to leave my son alone as he's pushing him away. But then after that conversation I felt bad and maybe I shouldn't have said anything.
Why do I let him do this to me? He's affecting the relationship with my Mum because I simply do not want to go visit them

I think your mum has an equal degree of control over your emotions as well but you have got to let go of any and all hopes here that either will change or that they will say sorry. Abusive people and enablers never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.
This is who they are and their relationship with each other works for them on some level. They remain together for their own reasons; both get what they want out of it and theirs is an abusive and codependent relationship.

These people were not overall good parents to you when you were growing up and neither has really changed since that time. They are furthermore now poor examples of grandparent figures to your son; a young man of 12 who is also like you being affected by them. You both need to stay well away from them going forward and further cut down on the number of social interactions you have with either.

Would you tolerate this from a friend, probably not, but your boundaries here re both your parents have been skewed because of your dads abuse and your mum's enabling behaviours. Your dad as well as your mum still have a hold over you and your mum failed to protect you at all, let alone fully from your dad/her husband. She may well also never be able nor actually want to get away from him (she has been that ground down and or otherwise conditioned into accepting life with her H as her lot in life). BTW do you know anything about their own family backgrounds as that often gives clues. They have likely both gone on to replicate what was done to them with you as a now adult.

You have a choice re them and your son does not. Deal with your FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re them through seeking therapy (BACP would be worth looking at) for your own self. Do for your son what your mother never did for you i.e protect him and your own self from such malign influences. You did the right thing in standing up for your son when you last saw your dad and you are his mum.

You do not need such people in your life and I daresay you would never tolerate anything like this from a friend either. Your parents are no different.

OP, there is no law that says you have to visit your father! Why continue to have contact with someone so unpleasant and controlling, who is not only making your own life miserable but is now affecting your son?
Couldn’t you see your mother separately, and simply go no contact with your father?
I went NC with both my parents many years ago, when I was pregnant with DD1, and didn’t even attend their funerals, after years of emotional abuse. I never regretted it. I didn’t want them to treat my DC the way they treated me.

Read up about FOG. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It’s a recognised way of behaving when you have a dreadful parent.
You also need to change your behaviour in order to protect yourself and your son. Could you go to counselling to discuss it with someone who could help you do this?

I think you need to Stately Homes threads OP (for the adult children of abusive parents) here's a link to the latest one www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4182916-March-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-thread

Hi OP, I could have written similar to your post about my parents. The only thing that has helped me is therapy, and it has been bloody difficult and lonely but I have regained or gained a sense of self and now have better boundaries for myself and my kids. I have had to release friendships with people who aren't willing to see their own FOG as well, that has been very hard but I don't see how I can sympathise with someone who won't question why they feel so obligated to their parents when I have been trying t challenge this in myself. Good luck. You can do this.