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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend issues

24 replies

rrf · 07/04/2021 07:54

Iv3 been with my partner for 2 and a half years. He has ADHD and is medicated. Lockdown has been particularly hard on him and I've noticed that he has become more and more anxious in several ways, but stayed very loving towards me up until recently.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer late last year, and, quite frankly, the constant appointments and new information about the cancer being larger has caused me a huge amount of emotional upset. My ex husband has been a huge help at this time. He atcually moved next door (rented)to hp look after our two children, and to come to appointments with me. My partner could never come, and, duexto covid, I wasn't able to have a family member with me (vunerable). I almost fell apart. It was dredful. After initial op I was told I needed a masectomy, but I had to have help at home until I got better. At this point, my ex offered to move in, sleep downstairs and help for the first few weeks, until I could walk again (had a reconstruction at the same time). My partner agreed, and we did this. We all knew it wasnt ideal buat my partner is not good at helping, and was getting overwhelmed with keep and the kids and the house etc. It allowed him to continue to go to work, and me to have someone to help me do the day to day stuff. He moved out a week ago (3 weeks after op). My partner, who had been talking with me about marriage and moving forward with our lives, moved out the very next day. He is having a big meltdown with his ADHD, and said h needed space.
I am absolutely devastated. We agreed on this together, and now that we are coming out the other side of a shitty situation, he has totally bailed. Gone into silent mode, and run away. I'm so scared I've lost him and I dont know what I can do. My health is suffering and I feel so lost x

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 07/04/2021 09:00

I think he should have as much space as he wants; he couldn’t support you at all and he doesn’t sound like he contributes much to your happiness. Your ex sounds much more supportive.

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 07/04/2021 09:14

So sorry about your diagnosis. Your partner sounds extremely self centered. He couldn't step up for you when you needed him most. Tell him to stay away. You've likely got a rocky road ahead. You have a supportive ex. You don't need the partner's tantrums. This will likely become a pattern in your life and he'll drag you down eventually. I know everything must seem really scary but if you are having to go through all this without him then what's the point in the relationship?

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 07/04/2021 09:20

anunexaminedlife · 07/04/2021 09:24

You had cancer and yet it was still all about him

miltonj · 07/04/2021 09:32

If he can't step up and put you first when you've been through what is likely the biggest emotional and physical ordeal of your life, when will he?

For what it's worth I don't think it's anything to do with his adhd but everything to do with selfishness and immaturity.

Hope you're feeling better and starting to recover

Windmillwhirl · 07/04/2021 09:35

Yes, he totally bailed on you. It sounds like he did nothing to support you. Is this his default in times of crises? I'd think long and hard about committing to a life with him. It's during the tough times that we need partners we can rely on.

Original poster

rrf · 07/04/2021 10:34

Thank you for your support. I feel so very alone. He went to his sisters house for his space, even though we have had some issues in the past ( think they stem from me being older than him) I just feel that this was the worst thing to do, as it feels like he just gave up. My kids are so upset. I'm in total shock that this was even on the cards. He professes to love me so much that its unreal tovme he could just leave. Any chance this is temporary? Or am I just in a flap?

OP posts:

l2b2 · 07/04/2021 12:18

He may 'profess to love' you OP but his actions show the opposite.
I'm really sorry.

finished31 · 07/04/2021 12:22

Who's house is it?

He sounds like a nightmare, he should be there to support you regardless.

You really need to LTBL let the bastard leave

Original poster

rrf · 07/04/2021 12:28

@finished31 It's my house entirely. The day before he left he asked me if I fancied moving to a different part of the city we live in. Also, we talked about getting a new bed! Then he was up and put the next morning. I think the stress really got to him, but perhaps I'm making excuses for his awful behaviour.

OP posts:

autumnalrain · 07/04/2021 12:36

OP your ex seems more supportive and suitable for you than your current boyfriend. That should tell you all that you need to know.

It sounds like now you have one less child in the house. I think you should be counting your blessings and use this time to focus on you.

Opentooffers · 07/04/2021 12:38

So he stayed for as long as your ex was there, because he doesn't want to help look after your children, but wanted to be able to check that nothing untoward was happening between you and your ex. So, before this, was it just you looking after the children while he lived with you? Did he stay in the background? It's not just abou the lack of support for you, when you have kids and chose a partner, you need to chose someone who is happy to bond and be involved with your DC's lives also. You come as a package, there is no point trying to have a relationship with a man who can't relate to DC's. He's showing you that he's not the right man for your family and you should do better by your DC's, it's not just your feelings for him that count.
He's a man that will never fit your life, so chuck this man back and give him all the time in the world. Vet a future prospect more regarding their experience and attitude to DC's before you even consider getting serious.

finished31 · 07/04/2021 12:46

[quote rrf]@finished31 It's my house entirely. The day before he left he asked me if I fancied moving to a different part of the city we live in. Also, we talked about getting a new bed! Then he was up and put the next morning. I think the stress really got to him, but perhaps I'm making excuses for his awful behaviour.[/quote]
That's even better as no finances to separate.

Being ill is probably one of the biggest things you need support from a partner and if he can't even step up whilst you have Cancer then he don't deserve you!

You sound like a nice person who is worth so much more. Don't let this prick back into your life.

Mylovelyhorsee · 07/04/2021 14:21

Whaaaaat!? What!? Why are you pining after him? You should have kicked him out. He’s not supportive of you when you had cancer! Come on op. Come on.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 07/04/2021 14:24

@anunexaminedlife

You had cancer and yet it was still all about him

This ^^. He's a shit boyfriend. You deserve so much better! Honestly, get rid. He's selfish and you're not a team.

Wanderlusto · 07/04/2021 14:50

@anunexaminedlife

You had cancer and yet it was still all about him

Yup.

Why on earth would you consider marrying someone who couldn't/wouldn't be there for you during your hardest of moments?

I'd end it and walk away. I know it's a horrible time to have to think about doing this but I'd rather be on my own being a warrior than have a flaky, useless, selfish first mate at my side.

Original poster

rrf · 07/04/2021 15:18

I can not tell you how much better I feel hearing this from you all. I am still very shocked that he has decided to do this, please tell me that I will look back at him and wonder what the fuck I was doing putting up with this behaviour . I think he is so wrapped up in his own issues, I dont even come in a close second in his brain. I know he is going through something, but, selfishly, I just want him to realise what he has lost. I dont know why that's so important to me. Maybe its because I'm a bit fragile right now

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 07/04/2021 15:39

Sometimes we have to stop and take a step back and really look, to realise people arent 'going through something' - they are just self absorbed asshats.

Everyone wants their feelings to be acknowledged and to be loved and respected by those that they care about. That's completely normal. Unfortunately, HE is not completely normal. You can't get orange juice from an apple.

Whether it's linked to the adhd or not doesnt matter. What matters is it isn't ok for him to treat you like this.

You don't need anyone in your life that is incapable of caring about you. There is literally no point in them if that's the case. Because all they will ever do is take. And right now you need to conserve all your energy for yourself and your kids and getting healthy again. You dont need a drain like him about.

QueenOfDart · 07/04/2021 23:16

OP so sorry for your diagnosis. Your bf has done you a favour by leaving, I'm so shocked by his behaviour. If a friend let you down like he has then you'd let them go? He is meant to be a boyfriend, yet he has let you down terribly. This isn't about his needs, your needs should come first at the moment and he has walked away. You deserve so much better

SeaShoreGalore · 08/04/2021 01:40

What kind of man would let his partners ex move in just so he doesn’t have to help out?! This man is not marriage material.

heyday · 08/04/2021 07:48

He obviously has a lot of problems and appears to be somewhat overwhelmed by his own difficulties and totally unable or unwilling to help you with your enormous troubles right now. He has left and is somewhere where he can get the space etc that he needs so now you have to focus 100% on your own needs and that of your family. Hopefully your ex can continue to support you and the children whilst you take time to regain your strength and rebuild your life.

Original poster

rrf · 11/04/2021 11:23

Well, he left me. Via a text message. Saying that he has been very emotional and he loves me very much but we want different things. Also, I can chat to him in the week, as we work together and he wants to be professional at work. I was shocked, but I didnt answer the text. As much as I wanted to either scream, kill, or beg him to stay, I've decided to just stay silent and really think about what he has put me through in the last two weeks. His text never asked me how me or the kids were doing, it was simply a list of requests on how we move forward at work. Oh, and he loves me. And he sill collect his stuff asap. My mind is reeling. I go from devastated to anger to almost hatred very quickly.

OP posts:

l2b2 · 11/04/2021 13:23

That's awful Op and to do it by text is even worse.
I wouldn't dignify his text with a reply either. Be kind to yourself and your children OP; you've been through absolute hell and you only need people around who actually care about you.

Original poster

rrf · 11/04/2021 15:01

Thank you x I am having g terrible difficulty coming to terms with it all.

OP posts:

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